recap:
got a laptop, and it's brand new and MINE. that's the most important thing; that it's mine. i finally have a portal to the electronic world that i can access at any time.
i love this thing :D
that is not the point of this entry however, i would like to think that i may have come up with a new sc2 name. at first i cringed at the sight of my initial capitalization, but i don't know how i'll do it right now any way. at least i'm not sure. the word however, is
revolution.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
something about
his character that's so irreplaceable.
i flipped through one of ben's FB picture albums today. it was pretty simple; he was riding a bike through some "erwin park" with shelly, but it was like i could see him there in person and feel his character right through the picture. idk what it is...
feels kind of like he could find something fun in anything. even the simple stuff. i really don't think anybody else has that kind of quality around here. everybody else needs tech or money being spent to have fun, and that's including the feeling you get when you've spent money.... you HAVE to have fun; otherwise "it wasn't worth it."
i think it helps him that he grew up poor and suddenly found a way to live with a lot of money, which is seen in his general dislike for xbox after a while, and his gradual drift back to basic stuff. for a while, he downloaded so many demos on xbox that he filled up 20gigs worth of hard drive almost instantly, but then the trend faded. i'm definitely jealous of that; to be happy around anything, even when times suck/are boring/don't have much around.
all he needed was a car. that's it. the ability to change places and he was set. that didn't bring anything for me, i still don't abuse it like i should.
don't know if i'll ever be that easily satisfied. can't really see it happening, especially since i hate most things in this world and get pissed off really easily at the little stuff, no matter how marginally imperfect.
i flipped through one of ben's FB picture albums today. it was pretty simple; he was riding a bike through some "erwin park" with shelly, but it was like i could see him there in person and feel his character right through the picture. idk what it is...
feels kind of like he could find something fun in anything. even the simple stuff. i really don't think anybody else has that kind of quality around here. everybody else needs tech or money being spent to have fun, and that's including the feeling you get when you've spent money.... you HAVE to have fun; otherwise "it wasn't worth it."
i think it helps him that he grew up poor and suddenly found a way to live with a lot of money, which is seen in his general dislike for xbox after a while, and his gradual drift back to basic stuff. for a while, he downloaded so many demos on xbox that he filled up 20gigs worth of hard drive almost instantly, but then the trend faded. i'm definitely jealous of that; to be happy around anything, even when times suck/are boring/don't have much around.
all he needed was a car. that's it. the ability to change places and he was set. that didn't bring anything for me, i still don't abuse it like i should.
don't know if i'll ever be that easily satisfied. can't really see it happening, especially since i hate most things in this world and get pissed off really easily at the little stuff, no matter how marginally imperfect.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
i didn't ask for this
BS. i came home to watch my brother play orchestra on GLEE/pizza/roommate bonding night (which i need to catch up on, they continuously watch things and do things without me) and end up having to put up with an annoying mom, obnoxious dad, and my grandparents. wtf?
i wish i would have stayed at college. screw home life. this is dumb. why should i put up with this?
my mom asked if i was hungry. i said yes. she goes downstairs. my dad ISN'T hungry so we don't go eat. apparently his vote counts more than mine. (troy is probably preparing for his concert, he isn't home.) then i go downstairs where i can get a snack since i can't eat at a decent hour because of my dad, where it's sprung on me that my stupid grandparents are coming. i hate being "pleasant" when i don't have to. screw this. i want some time where i don't have to be my public self. at college i can do this.
i swear my mom didn't tell me that they were coming but she said she did. my fucking dad now has the nerve to butt in and say "why are you so moody all of a sudden?" why do you think? not only can i not eat when 2 out of 3 present people are hungry, my grandparents are coming over and everything will be awkward (to the point of strange) for the night, until i leave. you're right, i don't have a reason to be angry. none at all. actually, i prefer this situation where i can just eat JUNK food versus having a real meal which would be healthy, and have sub-par company to boot! especially at my brother's concert, where i have nothing in common with the music that's being played except my brother. i don't even think he would care if i came or not, i don't think this concert is particularly important.
my brother is the only reason i don't just commit suicide today. i do not give a shit for anything or anyone else in this house.
also, i've reached a moral point that even surpasses my dad. i realized this after receiving our new phones. i like mine, don't get me wrong. i don't love it; i realize that we WILL find glitches, so i am trying to not go too hard on the drooling side of things.
unlike my dad, who every single time i've seen him since i got the phone has mentioned it, saying this exact line: "yeah, i think it's a really cool phone. you can do a lot with it." yes, facebook, internet, stupid scrabble-like games, and even a magic touch screen with "Swype" technology.
STILL JUST A PHONE. it's just a material thing. the next generation one will come out and blow you away just like this one did. except apple probably did it first and better, unlike our cheap knockoff version. but damn, we got a better deal, yes we did.
i'm really tired (as you can probably imagine) of all the small talk people do over stupid things like phones. they're phones. you use them. once my dad even said "you use the phone, don't let it use you" as he caught me texting while i did my homework. (i still made As that year, like every year, so he can fuck off, again) the thing is, he's letting this "smart phone" use him. he's on it all the time. i don't even care about mine. smart phones have been around since the iphone. it's not new to me. i still prefer real people to technology, and even though tech is a great substitute, it will never be the same.
the (edit:second to) last thing i will mention in this entry is the difference of being oppressed by someone else's plans and having so much freedom you don't know what to do with it. the prior sucks, that's really it. if you go too much against the trend, they ask you why you are doing that and you can't just say "well, i just didn't want to." you are literally stuck doing whatever is going on that night, like NOW.
on the other hand, being so bored that you don't know what to do can be fixed the instant you find something. however, it can be pretty mind-dulling as well.
the difference (and also the point i'm getting at) is that you can CHOOSE. like the underground man said, "even the most advantageous thing is not as good as doing things YOUR way. this is because it's YOUR way."
that is all for tonight, my dad just said "are you sure you don't want anything to eat? it could be a while before we eat a real dinner."
who's fault is that?
i wish i would have stayed at college. screw home life. this is dumb. why should i put up with this?
my mom asked if i was hungry. i said yes. she goes downstairs. my dad ISN'T hungry so we don't go eat. apparently his vote counts more than mine. (troy is probably preparing for his concert, he isn't home.) then i go downstairs where i can get a snack since i can't eat at a decent hour because of my dad, where it's sprung on me that my stupid grandparents are coming. i hate being "pleasant" when i don't have to. screw this. i want some time where i don't have to be my public self. at college i can do this.
i swear my mom didn't tell me that they were coming but she said she did. my fucking dad now has the nerve to butt in and say "why are you so moody all of a sudden?" why do you think? not only can i not eat when 2 out of 3 present people are hungry, my grandparents are coming over and everything will be awkward (to the point of strange) for the night, until i leave. you're right, i don't have a reason to be angry. none at all. actually, i prefer this situation where i can just eat JUNK food versus having a real meal which would be healthy, and have sub-par company to boot! especially at my brother's concert, where i have nothing in common with the music that's being played except my brother. i don't even think he would care if i came or not, i don't think this concert is particularly important.
my brother is the only reason i don't just commit suicide today. i do not give a shit for anything or anyone else in this house.
also, i've reached a moral point that even surpasses my dad. i realized this after receiving our new phones. i like mine, don't get me wrong. i don't love it; i realize that we WILL find glitches, so i am trying to not go too hard on the drooling side of things.
unlike my dad, who every single time i've seen him since i got the phone has mentioned it, saying this exact line: "yeah, i think it's a really cool phone. you can do a lot with it." yes, facebook, internet, stupid scrabble-like games, and even a magic touch screen with "Swype" technology.
STILL JUST A PHONE. it's just a material thing. the next generation one will come out and blow you away just like this one did. except apple probably did it first and better, unlike our cheap knockoff version. but damn, we got a better deal, yes we did.
i'm really tired (as you can probably imagine) of all the small talk people do over stupid things like phones. they're phones. you use them. once my dad even said "you use the phone, don't let it use you" as he caught me texting while i did my homework. (i still made As that year, like every year, so he can fuck off, again) the thing is, he's letting this "smart phone" use him. he's on it all the time. i don't even care about mine. smart phones have been around since the iphone. it's not new to me. i still prefer real people to technology, and even though tech is a great substitute, it will never be the same.
the (edit:second to) last thing i will mention in this entry is the difference of being oppressed by someone else's plans and having so much freedom you don't know what to do with it. the prior sucks, that's really it. if you go too much against the trend, they ask you why you are doing that and you can't just say "well, i just didn't want to." you are literally stuck doing whatever is going on that night, like NOW.
on the other hand, being so bored that you don't know what to do can be fixed the instant you find something. however, it can be pretty mind-dulling as well.
the difference (and also the point i'm getting at) is that you can CHOOSE. like the underground man said, "even the most advantageous thing is not as good as doing things YOUR way. this is because it's YOUR way."
that is all for tonight, my dad just said "are you sure you don't want anything to eat? it could be a while before we eat a real dinner."
who's fault is that?
Thursday, December 2, 2010
time to start
controlling my reactions to things.
losing starcraft pisses me off more than anything. especially when basel is laughing at the match, when it's his fault we're losing. no, i will not take it easy, i take this seriously. getting better isn't something you just "take easy." you don't get better that way.
it's 1:09am and i have no class tomorrow, so that's how i have time to write this blog.
since this is my blog (and therefore not designed for viewing pleasure but a list of my thoughts), i will now list things i need to improve on:
---swinging back from being harassed.
---multitasking
---find a decent answer to siege tanks without using siege tanks. -_- expand and add barracks?? works on big maps.... but on steppes what do i do? just default tanks against terran? :(( that's so boring. maybe a huge marauder push?? :P cloaking??? :) i like that... ghost, hmm. idk. nuking. entrenched position buster. idk. thor + marine + medivac??
---late game transition. what the hell do i do against late game armies like protoss?? colossi pretty much (sorry day9) HARD COUNTER marines. and i love marines. drops are too slow, and toss can simply warp in units as they feel necessary. vikings help my cause some, but apparently marauders + concussion grenades are the only way??? maybe tanks? thors? not hellions... raven!!! PDD vs stalkers. that sorta helps.
oh, and there IS critical mass of ravens. :)
how many marines does it take to kill one thor?
that is all for now, i need sleep. and a workout.
losing starcraft pisses me off more than anything. especially when basel is laughing at the match, when it's his fault we're losing. no, i will not take it easy, i take this seriously. getting better isn't something you just "take easy." you don't get better that way.
it's 1:09am and i have no class tomorrow, so that's how i have time to write this blog.
since this is my blog (and therefore not designed for viewing pleasure but a list of my thoughts), i will now list things i need to improve on:
---swinging back from being harassed.
---multitasking
---find a decent answer to siege tanks without using siege tanks. -_- expand and add barracks?? works on big maps.... but on steppes what do i do? just default tanks against terran? :(( that's so boring. maybe a huge marauder push?? :P cloaking??? :) i like that... ghost, hmm. idk. nuking. entrenched position buster. idk. thor + marine + medivac??
---late game transition. what the hell do i do against late game armies like protoss?? colossi pretty much (sorry day9) HARD COUNTER marines. and i love marines. drops are too slow, and toss can simply warp in units as they feel necessary. vikings help my cause some, but apparently marauders + concussion grenades are the only way??? maybe tanks? thors? not hellions... raven!!! PDD vs stalkers. that sorta helps.
oh, and there IS critical mass of ravens. :)
how many marines does it take to kill one thor?
that is all for now, i need sleep. and a workout.
Monday, November 29, 2010
so far:
i've experienced:
loss
defeat
anger
anxiety
shock
joy
ecstasy
winning with a great team
success
losing with awful teams
eating various good and bad food
being betrayed innumerable times
learning, both good and bad
tons of life truths (and lies)
strategy
stupidity
laughter
hard work and it's benefits
being lazy and having a terrible mental state
having my life screwed over by someone else's poor decision
stupid people, over and over again
pain
deceit
great music
shitty music
cool people in strange places
the concert scene
the party scene (the concert scene is way better)
a sense of family
a sense of great friends (which are still second to family but great nonetheless)
a lot of sub-par company
whores (just social, not sexual interaction)
how girls can be frilly and stupid and still make thousands of friends
how guys can be leagues ahead and still be left in the dust by this terrible thing we call SOCIETY
stereotypes
how nerds can be cooler than anyone you've ever met
how the secrets you keep (such as videogames) can open up friendships
how going after somebody's sister really does make it awkward
how girls are apparently the choosers in society, after the honored place we guys put them on
how many lessons need to be taught to people
work
the drudgery of everyday life
the worthlessness of pretty much everybody
people stealing my things
people lying to my face
knowing when you can't trust someone
revenge
evil thoughts
unusually decent thoughts
people's awful hygiene
bad habits
the power of belief
the juvenility of everyone, even college kids or my own parents
being ignored unfairly
the frequent rightness of my dad
the grace of my brother
the resiliency of my mom
and a ton of loneliness.
what else is there? what am i missing?
death
loss
defeat
anger
anxiety
shock
joy
ecstasy
winning with a great team
success
losing with awful teams
eating various good and bad food
being betrayed innumerable times
learning, both good and bad
tons of life truths (and lies)
strategy
stupidity
laughter
hard work and it's benefits
being lazy and having a terrible mental state
having my life screwed over by someone else's poor decision
stupid people, over and over again
pain
deceit
great music
shitty music
cool people in strange places
the concert scene
the party scene (the concert scene is way better)
a sense of family
a sense of great friends (which are still second to family but great nonetheless)
a lot of sub-par company
whores (just social, not sexual interaction)
how girls can be frilly and stupid and still make thousands of friends
how guys can be leagues ahead and still be left in the dust by this terrible thing we call SOCIETY
stereotypes
how nerds can be cooler than anyone you've ever met
how the secrets you keep (such as videogames) can open up friendships
how going after somebody's sister really does make it awkward
how girls are apparently the choosers in society, after the honored place we guys put them on
how many lessons need to be taught to people
work
the drudgery of everyday life
the worthlessness of pretty much everybody
people stealing my things
people lying to my face
knowing when you can't trust someone
revenge
evil thoughts
unusually decent thoughts
people's awful hygiene
bad habits
the power of belief
the juvenility of everyone, even college kids or my own parents
being ignored unfairly
the frequent rightness of my dad
the grace of my brother
the resiliency of my mom
and a ton of loneliness.
what else is there? what am i missing?
death
SC2: When you are WINNING:
DON'T push for the win. keep denying expansions, take extra bases yourself, and extend your lead. when you are ahead, get more ahead.
oh, and get detection depending on what race you are, at the right time. top korean pros lose because of not getting detection. you're going to need the upgrade station anyway. :) cloaked banshees... well, cloaked ANYTHING is imba, because of their ability to hold an opponent in his base until he has mobile detection, or a shitload of scans, which aren't really necessary :P lol.
also; hold vision as much as you can. you'll spot drops, incoming attacks, etc etc. :)
oh, and get detection depending on what race you are, at the right time. top korean pros lose because of not getting detection. you're going to need the upgrade station anyway. :) cloaked banshees... well, cloaked ANYTHING is imba, because of their ability to hold an opponent in his base until he has mobile detection, or a shitload of scans, which aren't really necessary :P lol.
also; hold vision as much as you can. you'll spot drops, incoming attacks, etc etc. :)
Friday, November 19, 2010
SC2: When you are LOSING:
don't panic, first and foremost. and stay in the damn game. don't quit so early. makes you looks stupid.
trust your build, but don't be afraid to deviate: if they rush, and you're teching/FE'ing, you have to deviate. or die. but dying is less fun.
"When you've lost all your SCVs, there are two options: one is to make a 2 base death army giga-push. the other is to buy time by getting snappy with drops and quick, small units like marauders and marines with the occasion medivac." -- day9
Tanks are good in middle to large numbers! not really small ones. Marines work well in smaller numbers. this is because you need less medivacs to support, and they're quick to produce, meaning you can have more quicker than waiting for tanks. plus, if you're under the gun, you need it now, and anything helps.
also, having a shitty computer really hurts your chances to micro. can't play at all if it won't even install the program correctly. pretty simple process, and my computer simply can't handle it. can't wait for a new computer. i'd easily sacrifice a phone for a computer. facebook would be nice on the go, but man, i lose because my computer can't handle the game. can't wait to play in FO tonight. ugh. i HATE this thing.
trust your build, but don't be afraid to deviate: if they rush, and you're teching/FE'ing, you have to deviate. or die. but dying is less fun.
"When you've lost all your SCVs, there are two options: one is to make a 2 base death army giga-push. the other is to buy time by getting snappy with drops and quick, small units like marauders and marines with the occasion medivac." -- day9
Tanks are good in middle to large numbers! not really small ones. Marines work well in smaller numbers. this is because you need less medivacs to support, and they're quick to produce, meaning you can have more quicker than waiting for tanks. plus, if you're under the gun, you need it now, and anything helps.
also, having a shitty computer really hurts your chances to micro. can't play at all if it won't even install the program correctly. pretty simple process, and my computer simply can't handle it. can't wait for a new computer. i'd easily sacrifice a phone for a computer. facebook would be nice on the go, but man, i lose because my computer can't handle the game. can't wait to play in FO tonight. ugh. i HATE this thing.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
SC2: attacking versus expanding.
do not try to win the game instantaneously. --- day9.
i believe this means in this game, attacking is used to set your opponent back, but the real idea (and it's pretty abstract) is to blow your opponent away in a combination of resource collection rate, food, units, and tech :D
apparently killing them is secondary, because eventually you will kill them with a food difference of 150 to 4.
also, the difference of tech and macro (having more STUFF) is that the macro player WILL WIN if he can hold off the lesser "based", teching player. the NEXT STEP: you should probably be grabbing a tech piece; you have a base up on him already.
with this in mind: 2 rax FE means stability through 2 rax (obviously.) after being up on 2 base, and STABILIZING, get a tech choice going.
ASIDE: on a different note, speedlings are the key ingredient to ling/bling. NOT blings. get the surround and you're good. delaying tech is powerful!! do it!! :) delaying gas, tech, but speeding to an expo = super powerful as of late. of course, keep in mind the metagame :)
i believe this means in this game, attacking is used to set your opponent back, but the real idea (and it's pretty abstract) is to blow your opponent away in a combination of resource collection rate, food, units, and tech :D
apparently killing them is secondary, because eventually you will kill them with a food difference of 150 to 4.
also, the difference of tech and macro (having more STUFF) is that the macro player WILL WIN if he can hold off the lesser "based", teching player. the NEXT STEP: you should probably be grabbing a tech piece; you have a base up on him already.
with this in mind: 2 rax FE means stability through 2 rax (obviously.) after being up on 2 base, and STABILIZING, get a tech choice going.
ASIDE: on a different note, speedlings are the key ingredient to ling/bling. NOT blings. get the surround and you're good. delaying tech is powerful!! do it!! :) delaying gas, tech, but speeding to an expo = super powerful as of late. of course, keep in mind the metagame :)
Monday, November 15, 2010
DAY[final]: Foot Surgery.
(Alright, I just typed this whole thing, and then accidently hit the "refresh" button. It's 12:46AM and my patience is running thin.)
Today will be the last day I really write anything, mainly because the healing process is really coming along now.
Today's entry begins yesterday, at my apartment's bathroom, where my mom was so appalled about the level of hygiene that she began to clean it for us. This really did make the place much better, and my roommate even took a shower that night (actually he does that as part of his daily/nightly routine). This is great and fine, except he sheds everywhere. This is also fine, until I have to take a shower the next morning with near-open wounds on my feet (stitches, remember?).
You may not understand the level of badness this implies. I think he intentionally sheds or something, because when my mom cleaned the bathroom initially, the place was absolutely clean, it was spotless. When I took my shower, there were hairs covering just about the entire tub. I don't know how he does that and still has hair on his head. Not only is it disgusting, he doesn't pick it up. I know, I know, I'm supposed to talk to my roommates about what I'm not happy with them doing. But what does one say to that? "Hey, I'm sick of you shedding. Pick it up, dog." I'm doubtful as to that working.
Other than the hygiene fail, today was pretty excellent in literally getting back on my feet and finding that my balance wasn't really affected by the bones being shaved, and also that it really doesn't hurt at all to stand. Only when I am flex my foot does the soreness really come on, and it's minor at that. Combined with the pain pills, this should be no problem.
Stitches come out Wednesday, I can already wear socks, and shoes will be coming along soon. Today (I'm referring to Monday) was also the heaviest walking day, so tomorrow will be even easier. I'm probably going to begin working out tomorrow and see if I'm up to that. It's definitely going to be an uphill climb to get back into game shape for the Spring but with my feet cooperating it won't be a problem.
Concluding this risk, I learned that this whole exercise was really a giant self-discovery project. I learned that I am deathly afraid of horror movies and the things in them, and also am afraid of situations in which I am vastly unprepared and unfamiliar with (which there really aren't too many, but scare me when they arise). Music does not help when the unskilled nurse is unsuccessfully jabbing a needle into your arm. I'm going queasy thinking about it. Also, slowing your life down is quite hard once you've been accustomed to living it so fast. Luckily, I won't have to transition too hard coming back because finals are coming up soon and mainly reviews and brushing up on course material is the main objective, not cramming in new things; most of my professors have done a good job.
Time for bed.
Today will be the last day I really write anything, mainly because the healing process is really coming along now.
Today's entry begins yesterday, at my apartment's bathroom, where my mom was so appalled about the level of hygiene that she began to clean it for us. This really did make the place much better, and my roommate even took a shower that night (actually he does that as part of his daily/nightly routine). This is great and fine, except he sheds everywhere. This is also fine, until I have to take a shower the next morning with near-open wounds on my feet (stitches, remember?).
You may not understand the level of badness this implies. I think he intentionally sheds or something, because when my mom cleaned the bathroom initially, the place was absolutely clean, it was spotless. When I took my shower, there were hairs covering just about the entire tub. I don't know how he does that and still has hair on his head. Not only is it disgusting, he doesn't pick it up. I know, I know, I'm supposed to talk to my roommates about what I'm not happy with them doing. But what does one say to that? "Hey, I'm sick of you shedding. Pick it up, dog." I'm doubtful as to that working.
Other than the hygiene fail, today was pretty excellent in literally getting back on my feet and finding that my balance wasn't really affected by the bones being shaved, and also that it really doesn't hurt at all to stand. Only when I am flex my foot does the soreness really come on, and it's minor at that. Combined with the pain pills, this should be no problem.
Stitches come out Wednesday, I can already wear socks, and shoes will be coming along soon. Today (I'm referring to Monday) was also the heaviest walking day, so tomorrow will be even easier. I'm probably going to begin working out tomorrow and see if I'm up to that. It's definitely going to be an uphill climb to get back into game shape for the Spring but with my feet cooperating it won't be a problem.
Concluding this risk, I learned that this whole exercise was really a giant self-discovery project. I learned that I am deathly afraid of horror movies and the things in them, and also am afraid of situations in which I am vastly unprepared and unfamiliar with (which there really aren't too many, but scare me when they arise). Music does not help when the unskilled nurse is unsuccessfully jabbing a needle into your arm. I'm going queasy thinking about it. Also, slowing your life down is quite hard once you've been accustomed to living it so fast. Luckily, I won't have to transition too hard coming back because finals are coming up soon and mainly reviews and brushing up on course material is the main objective, not cramming in new things; most of my professors have done a good job.
Time for bed.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Starcraft things to remember:
Reapers are probably the most IMBA scout ever, not including scans, which are costly in a race-advantage way.
Scouting kills the need for "knowing timings" such as when a certain unit will come out, whether it has cloak or not, or is just annoying.
Proxy 2 gate is actually powerful. pull 4-5 scvs off to repair.
Tap your hotkeys often just to check their progress. More tapping = better Macro.
Do I need a new hotkey setup?
Current setup:
123 units
4567 Production structures
890 ?? temporary things...? like EBay, tech labs? need to use more
don't be afraid to attack early. if you both play a perfect macro game, you have the same number of units. if you rushed, let him have it.
1 soldier to each base to check and "scan" is so powerful.
pulling people is easy: attack anything new or something they need. drops are ok, maybe they have their place but pulling people with ONE soldier (because they one group control syndrome, they'll pull the whole army to deal with your one soldier. then you a-move your army right into their main.)
xel'naga watch towers = imba and worth fighting for.
builds i know:
fastest bunker rush (6 depot, 6 rax)
6 rax clinton cheese
no gas marine FE
1 rax FE
2 rax FE
3 rax push
MMM
1-1-1 fast thor
1-1-1 banshee hellion marine
1-1-2 2 port banshee with cloak
2 rax 1 fact MM+siege tank
that's all for now!
Scouting kills the need for "knowing timings" such as when a certain unit will come out, whether it has cloak or not, or is just annoying.
Proxy 2 gate is actually powerful. pull 4-5 scvs off to repair.
Tap your hotkeys often just to check their progress. More tapping = better Macro.
Do I need a new hotkey setup?
Current setup:
123 units
4567 Production structures
890 ?? temporary things...? like EBay, tech labs? need to use more
don't be afraid to attack early. if you both play a perfect macro game, you have the same number of units. if you rushed, let him have it.
1 soldier to each base to check and "scan" is so powerful.
pulling people is easy: attack anything new or something they need. drops are ok, maybe they have their place but pulling people with ONE soldier (because they one group control syndrome, they'll pull the whole army to deal with your one soldier. then you a-move your army right into their main.)
xel'naga watch towers = imba and worth fighting for.
builds i know:
fastest bunker rush (6 depot, 6 rax)
6 rax clinton cheese
no gas marine FE
1 rax FE
2 rax FE
3 rax push
MMM
1-1-1 fast thor
1-1-1 banshee hellion marine
1-1-2 2 port banshee with cloak
2 rax 1 fact MM+siege tank
that's all for now!
DAY[9]: Foot Surgery.
Good day, took the first shower since having surgery. We went to Fry's electronics (my family's favorite "techie" store) and I basically walked the entire time. It was great to not have to use the wheelchair, I was banana grinning the entire way there and back because of being able to walk again. The stitches still scare me, but I just leave the wraps on my feet and they're fine after that. Mornings are usually rough as everything sort of stiffens back up and is sore, just like any other injury, bones being shaved off or not.
Monday I go back to school, and I may just be able to WALK to class, which would be great. Definitely don't want to have mom around my social life more than I have to, got to be independent eventually, no offense to her. Time to put some SCII concepts into practice and then head to bed, chao.
Monday I go back to school, and I may just be able to WALK to class, which would be great. Definitely don't want to have mom around my social life more than I have to, got to be independent eventually, no offense to her. Time to put some SCII concepts into practice and then head to bed, chao.
Friday, November 12, 2010
DAY[8]: Foot Surgery.
Today's a pretty dang good day. Today, at 9:15, in Richardson, Texas, I found that MY feet are significantly skinnier than they were. This means a couple things. I can wear soccer shoes (expensive $200 pairs) for a long time without breaking them in one year, and also have stitches in them.
I hate horror movies, and almost threw up at the sight of the stitches in my feet, especially along with the bruising that ensued. I currently look like a horror victim, and even though the doctor said I could shower and wear socks, both actions will remind me (by gross kinesthetics) that I have thread weaving throughout my feet's skin. I believe I am currently developing a fear against medical equipment that is inside the person for any length of time (IVs, needles, or stitches) mainly because of how they feel. not only are they painful, but they don't feel.... human. I hate developing fears, because they lead to stupid, insecure actions that make people less of a "person" than they actually are.
Anyway, I said today was a good day. It may seem like I sort of reversed that, but actually the truth is that the bad often requires more explanation, something people avoid, because not only does it kill the conversation, but also because nobody knows anything about it. (More bad stuff right? Anyway.)
I'm going to be able to walk into restaurants soon! But until then, it's really not a walking world for me because I feel the stitches when I walk. (I can walk anywhere I want in the house, including the stairs, but I generally don't because I don't want to feel the stitches. I guess a great way to face my fear would be to simply walk.)
Other than that, nothing much today. I found the CS1325 class I'm taking absolutely makes homework near pointless with the grading scale putting weekly assignments at 15% and everything else much more "weighty." Other than that I really don't have much to do, and I'm dreading having my mom push me around campus coming monday. Everybody will pretty much see me, and people today don't really harass you for that, but it's pretty much going to alienate every girl on campus.
Today after the doctor's appointment we toured the campus to find all the handicap accessible spots for easy access and pathing on monday, and as my mom pushed the wheelchair, I found more good looking girls on campus than I had ever seen before. Before long I just put my hood up and tried futilely to sink into my jacket. Ah well.
I hate horror movies, and almost threw up at the sight of the stitches in my feet, especially along with the bruising that ensued. I currently look like a horror victim, and even though the doctor said I could shower and wear socks, both actions will remind me (by gross kinesthetics) that I have thread weaving throughout my feet's skin. I believe I am currently developing a fear against medical equipment that is inside the person for any length of time (IVs, needles, or stitches) mainly because of how they feel. not only are they painful, but they don't feel.... human. I hate developing fears, because they lead to stupid, insecure actions that make people less of a "person" than they actually are.
Anyway, I said today was a good day. It may seem like I sort of reversed that, but actually the truth is that the bad often requires more explanation, something people avoid, because not only does it kill the conversation, but also because nobody knows anything about it. (More bad stuff right? Anyway.)
I'm going to be able to walk into restaurants soon! But until then, it's really not a walking world for me because I feel the stitches when I walk. (I can walk anywhere I want in the house, including the stairs, but I generally don't because I don't want to feel the stitches. I guess a great way to face my fear would be to simply walk.)
Other than that, nothing much today. I found the CS1325 class I'm taking absolutely makes homework near pointless with the grading scale putting weekly assignments at 15% and everything else much more "weighty." Other than that I really don't have much to do, and I'm dreading having my mom push me around campus coming monday. Everybody will pretty much see me, and people today don't really harass you for that, but it's pretty much going to alienate every girl on campus.
Today after the doctor's appointment we toured the campus to find all the handicap accessible spots for easy access and pathing on monday, and as my mom pushed the wheelchair, I found more good looking girls on campus than I had ever seen before. Before long I just put my hood up and tried futilely to sink into my jacket. Ah well.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
DAY[7]: Foot Surgery.
Tomorrow's the day. Bet you've never heard that before. But yeah, thursday is today, and therefore tomorrow is known as FRIDAY, otherwise known as the best day of the week. However, to me, it's the day to actually see my feet for the first time since the surgery.
For some reason today I made this bet with my mom about the state of my feet; I took the side that surgery actually made them worse than they were in the first place. I don't know why I made this bet, but maybe I did it to say later that this decision to get surgery at least turned out neutral and/or better in some areas than just flat bad. I don't know. It upset her that I said that (she always get upset over nothing or especially things that aren't her fault.).
Has this blog become a diary now? Pretty much, I guess. At least for sure through this foot surgery thing. I don't know how many more or how long the future entries will be, but I'll be sure to let everybody know the last day. I'm guessing about DAY[10] but I'm entirely unsure, there's always the possibility of relapses in recovery as always, and I'm continually walking before I'm really able to, I probably shouldn't be since the doctor said to lay in bed all this week. Tomorrow we can reorder medication if we need to, I hope we do because sometimes the pain is intense enough to require it. I just took the last dose and as I've said before it does sometimes make me hallucinate, which is by far the best part of this experience. To be given ideas without having to consciously create them or have them be altered out of their true state by the conscious mind is really a gift.
More to come later, going to play computer games with Troy. Later.
For some reason today I made this bet with my mom about the state of my feet; I took the side that surgery actually made them worse than they were in the first place. I don't know why I made this bet, but maybe I did it to say later that this decision to get surgery at least turned out neutral and/or better in some areas than just flat bad. I don't know. It upset her that I said that (she always get upset over nothing or especially things that aren't her fault.).
Has this blog become a diary now? Pretty much, I guess. At least for sure through this foot surgery thing. I don't know how many more or how long the future entries will be, but I'll be sure to let everybody know the last day. I'm guessing about DAY[10] but I'm entirely unsure, there's always the possibility of relapses in recovery as always, and I'm continually walking before I'm really able to, I probably shouldn't be since the doctor said to lay in bed all this week. Tomorrow we can reorder medication if we need to, I hope we do because sometimes the pain is intense enough to require it. I just took the last dose and as I've said before it does sometimes make me hallucinate, which is by far the best part of this experience. To be given ideas without having to consciously create them or have them be altered out of their true state by the conscious mind is really a gift.
More to come later, going to play computer games with Troy. Later.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
DAY[6]: Foot Surgery.
I skipped a day, but nothing really happened yesterday, I basically griped about the fact I couldn't walk. Oh well, everybody gets a gripe day. Today is going to be slow also, although we're going to get to see Manchester United play Manchester City! (Cross town rivals in England :D) Other than that, life as a surgery victim really is just a lot of waiting. And I mean waiting for the next exciting thing, the next event that you care about, never being able to go out and say "man, I'm sick of this. I'M going to do something exciting today, and better, RIGHT now."
I really think that any Americans who are stuck vegetating at a desk job (which actually probably aren't all bad) 24/7 are going to die before their bodies give out; I mean that their brains are literally going to shrivel up because they literally do NOTHING fun all day. This week I refused to do homework because I didn't want to die in misery and further lower the serious mental deficit I'm already in. Screw making yourself more miserable when you already can't do what you exist to do (for me, that's being independent and really inventing new things to do and changing up this "routine").
Right now I'm sitting with an empty plate in front of me from breakfast as both of my parents are at their jobs and my brother is having fun at school and I'm sitting here either playing starcraft/listening/watching videos of starcraft. (I do want to get better at the game, and it's a complex one.) The problem is, I've done it all morning, so after this I'm going to go exercise. (just go to the living room floor and do crunches or push-ups or something.) Monotony sucks.
I feel the need to justify my life at this point, because I'm not doing exactly what I want. I really hope the rest of my life isn't like being a surgery patient; that would suck.
I really think that any Americans who are stuck vegetating at a desk job (which actually probably aren't all bad) 24/7 are going to die before their bodies give out; I mean that their brains are literally going to shrivel up because they literally do NOTHING fun all day. This week I refused to do homework because I didn't want to die in misery and further lower the serious mental deficit I'm already in. Screw making yourself more miserable when you already can't do what you exist to do (for me, that's being independent and really inventing new things to do and changing up this "routine").
Right now I'm sitting with an empty plate in front of me from breakfast as both of my parents are at their jobs and my brother is having fun at school and I'm sitting here either playing starcraft/listening/watching videos of starcraft. (I do want to get better at the game, and it's a complex one.) The problem is, I've done it all morning, so after this I'm going to go exercise. (just go to the living room floor and do crunches or push-ups or something.) Monotony sucks.
I feel the need to justify my life at this point, because I'm not doing exactly what I want. I really hope the rest of my life isn't like being a surgery patient; that would suck.
Monday, November 8, 2010
DAY[4]: Foot Surgery, and Hallucinations.
(Aside: "Hallucinations" is a great song by Angels & Airwaves also! You should give it a listen.)
Seriously, I did have hallucinations while trying to sleep last night because of these drugs. It seriously is scary to have voices in your ear trying to say freaky things, but it's... kind of cool. It makes my life less boring. I almost want to keep these pills for when I need a creative boost, because I seriously think I am not creative enough on my own. Also, I never get nervous on the pill. This would eliminate all sorts of fear on the soccer field. One negative side effect is having my hearing somewhat.. impaired? while on them. It sounds "stuffy," even though I don't currently have sinus problems. Idk. Just something to think about; I need to experiment and just take one pill to see the difference (the dosage is two pills).
Early entry, but I felt this needed to be noted.
Seriously, I did have hallucinations while trying to sleep last night because of these drugs. It seriously is scary to have voices in your ear trying to say freaky things, but it's... kind of cool. It makes my life less boring. I almost want to keep these pills for when I need a creative boost, because I seriously think I am not creative enough on my own. Also, I never get nervous on the pill. This would eliminate all sorts of fear on the soccer field. One negative side effect is having my hearing somewhat.. impaired? while on them. It sounds "stuffy," even though I don't currently have sinus problems. Idk. Just something to think about; I need to experiment and just take one pill to see the difference (the dosage is two pills).
Early entry, but I felt this needed to be noted.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
DAY[3]: Foot Surgery.
Right now I'm confirming my addiction to the magic white pills: I feel strangely down and dejected while off them. I think I'm going to start only using them as a "time to go to sleep" sort of tool, instead of a fight-the-pain tool. For that I'm switching to the Motrin IB.
There really isn't much else to say (I'm pretty much just sick of people waiting on me. I hate being treated differently.). Sorry this wasn't as good per se as a real "risk." I'm going to call the doctor tomorrow about recovery times. I hate not being able to exercise and just MOVE AROUND and get comfortable. As of right now I'm at my own kitchen table twisted sideways trying to blog while my body faces one way and my hands have to participate and think in a different direction.
Maybe this wasn't so much a risk as a self-discovery process. I say this because I now know that I do not like user-unfriendly items (such as a poorly designed phone or wheelchair), can't stand being bodily uncomfortable, and definitely do not enjoy sleeping with anything on my feet (such as bandages which I cannot remove).
If I had taken a real risk I may have gone for asking a girl out on a date first try. I've always been able to pull lots of long-term things off but never something so quick and connection-less. Actually, on second thought, that would be something only difficult (and potentially embarrassing). Not very risky. (At this point my spine, hips, butt, heels, ankles, balls of feet, and toes [?!] hurt. This concludes the blog entry.)
There really isn't much else to say (I'm pretty much just sick of people waiting on me. I hate being treated differently.). Sorry this wasn't as good per se as a real "risk." I'm going to call the doctor tomorrow about recovery times. I hate not being able to exercise and just MOVE AROUND and get comfortable. As of right now I'm at my own kitchen table twisted sideways trying to blog while my body faces one way and my hands have to participate and think in a different direction.
Maybe this wasn't so much a risk as a self-discovery process. I say this because I now know that I do not like user-unfriendly items (such as a poorly designed phone or wheelchair), can't stand being bodily uncomfortable, and definitely do not enjoy sleeping with anything on my feet (such as bandages which I cannot remove).
If I had taken a real risk I may have gone for asking a girl out on a date first try. I've always been able to pull lots of long-term things off but never something so quick and connection-less. Actually, on second thought, that would be something only difficult (and potentially embarrassing). Not very risky. (At this point my spine, hips, butt, heels, ankles, balls of feet, and toes [?!] hurt. This concludes the blog entry.)
DAY[2]: Foot Surgery.
So this is a later entry than I'd usually put in, but I wanted to make sure I encompassed the whole day in this one.
I woke up in a wreck. At 4:03am, I was in a withdrawal rage. By sleeping for more than 3 hours (The duration of the pain meds), I was at the point "off the drug." I hated life. Also, my patience were definitely not cooperating as I sat still doing nothing for the longest week of my life. However, when I got my pills, I was fine. This is not good. I think I am already addicted. (Another reason why "doing the bad stuff is bad.") I hate dependence (as you may have divined by now) and yet for now I need them. Another thing, when I'm on this medication I don't feel hunger, sadness, but I do feel very sleepy, and yet happy at the same time. It definitely falls into the "positive feeling" category. It also destroys all critical thinking and focusing abilities I have, and thus no homework is getting done this week. (That, my friends, is a plus. No busywork for a week? I guess I can cope :D )
Another aspect: This morning I hated having to sit still and watch my fitness wither away, but after a good hour of whining (internally) about it, I said "Well, that's the way it's going to be. Might as well make the most of it." That (plus the drugs) pretty much turned my day around, and was also the reason I held off this blog entry until now.
In other news, nobody wants to text or in general talk to the kid in recovery. Yay. However, tomorrow I get to watch my brother play soccer in a wheelchair (I'm in the wheelchair, he's playing legitimately), and he's going to be playing against my ex-best friend, who pretends he's still my friend. He (Ben from now on, and that is his real name) is my age, but my brother is 3.5 years younger than both of us. We'll see how this goes.
I woke up in a wreck. At 4:03am, I was in a withdrawal rage. By sleeping for more than 3 hours (The duration of the pain meds), I was at the point "off the drug." I hated life. Also, my patience were definitely not cooperating as I sat still doing nothing for the longest week of my life. However, when I got my pills, I was fine. This is not good. I think I am already addicted. (Another reason why "doing the bad stuff is bad.") I hate dependence (as you may have divined by now) and yet for now I need them. Another thing, when I'm on this medication I don't feel hunger, sadness, but I do feel very sleepy, and yet happy at the same time. It definitely falls into the "positive feeling" category. It also destroys all critical thinking and focusing abilities I have, and thus no homework is getting done this week. (That, my friends, is a plus. No busywork for a week? I guess I can cope :D )
Another aspect: This morning I hated having to sit still and watch my fitness wither away, but after a good hour of whining (internally) about it, I said "Well, that's the way it's going to be. Might as well make the most of it." That (plus the drugs) pretty much turned my day around, and was also the reason I held off this blog entry until now.
In other news, nobody wants to text or in general talk to the kid in recovery. Yay. However, tomorrow I get to watch my brother play soccer in a wheelchair (I'm in the wheelchair, he's playing legitimately), and he's going to be playing against my ex-best friend, who pretends he's still my friend. He (Ben from now on, and that is his real name) is my age, but my brother is 3.5 years younger than both of us. We'll see how this goes.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
DAY[1]: Foot Surgery.
I didn't sleep a wink, and I think this is due to the drugs (pain meds mostly). Not only do they seriously dehydrate you, they make it impossible to shut your brain up. I literally spent the entire night with Starcraft II strategies pouring forth. Now, this isn't bad, I played a Free-for-all and beat my brother, my roommate, and a computer at the same time, but it definitely has it's downsides.
I am never hungry. I literally feel no need to eat anything, except drink tons of water to counteract the ridiculous thirst brought by the pain meds. However, that's quite the vicious circle; I have to use the restroom all the time. This seems pretty straight forward, but not to somebody who has to sit in a chair all day long. I cannot walk when I am not on meds (it simply hurts too much) and must scoot backwards on the ground by using a combination of my backside and my frustrated fists. If I do not resort to this (highly embarrassing) method of travel, I am stuck IMPOSING on somebody else, either a parent or my brother, and I absolutely loath people who impose on others, even in times of disability like now.
I really don't feel much fear (or much of anything right now) but I still do not know what my feet look like, and that is the one twinge of fear I've got right now. After the procedure yesterday, my feet were bandaged and that was that; the doctor said I couldn't take the bandages off, even to shower. (For bathing purposes, he said to just put plastic bags over them.)
I really miss being able to walk around and just get up and grab things (i.e.: the remote or water or anything really). Hope this is worth it.
I am never hungry. I literally feel no need to eat anything, except drink tons of water to counteract the ridiculous thirst brought by the pain meds. However, that's quite the vicious circle; I have to use the restroom all the time. This seems pretty straight forward, but not to somebody who has to sit in a chair all day long. I cannot walk when I am not on meds (it simply hurts too much) and must scoot backwards on the ground by using a combination of my backside and my frustrated fists. If I do not resort to this (highly embarrassing) method of travel, I am stuck IMPOSING on somebody else, either a parent or my brother, and I absolutely loath people who impose on others, even in times of disability like now.
I really don't feel much fear (or much of anything right now) but I still do not know what my feet look like, and that is the one twinge of fear I've got right now. After the procedure yesterday, my feet were bandaged and that was that; the doctor said I couldn't take the bandages off, even to shower. (For bathing purposes, he said to just put plastic bags over them.)
I really miss being able to walk around and just get up and grab things (i.e.: the remote or water or anything really). Hope this is worth it.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
DAY[0]: Foot Surgery.
I was scared s***less this morning. To say I was anxious would be a sick understatement. I even took some music to help me calm down, but by the time I'd been pushed from room to room on the hospital bed my worst fear had been realized(being useless/helpless). I hated the feeling of NEEDING medication and NEEDING be pushed from room to scary room. (Some rooms were nice and cheerful, but the guy pushing me around was extremely creepy and scary, especially when you're about to have the bones in your feet shaved down.)
Also, they only apparently shaved the bones on the ball of each foot down, I guess breaking the bones wasn't necessary. The big right toe was "corrected." Don't know how that fits into what really happened. However, the doctor and the nurse were both cool and cut the tension a lot. :) All I remember is going into the final room with serious tension turning slowly into mild tension, then waking up in a different room feeling EXTREMELY comfortable and warm under some sheets. The foreign-ness of the people before hand were drastically contrasted with the amiable asian lady who eased me back into consciousness.
It's about 3 hours after the surgery which started at eleven and took 31 minutes per foot, so it's 4:14pm right now. Apparently anesthesia takes tons of your hydration from you, so we went to starbucks afterwards, possibly the greatest thing we could have done.
I wish I could have blogged in the hospital to more accurately describe the feelings of fear I experienced pre-surgery.
Another interesting point, nobody in my family seemed to care yesterday (when I started to feel some anxiety) but now everybody's being really nice to me, and asking how it went and that sort of thing. It seems strange that there was such a change of heart. Maybe they knew I could handle it, but earlier this morning I really felt like ripping the IV out and running screaming from the room. Right before the lady said I couldn't take my music into the surgery I nearly cried, not because of the loss of music, but because of the strange/newness of the situation. Generally I get into "high stress" situations (doing timed sprints for some coach or giving a speech) and come away smiling and satisfied, but this was too much. I was going to be helpless while people pulled my limp body apart. If you've seen the horror movie "The Crazies," you know what I mean. If not, there's a scene where a "crazy" has a pitchfork and goes into a hospital and stabs everybody to death while they're pinned to their respective beds.
MAN this is a long entry. I hope this surgery was worth it, I don't know if I'll miss UTD homecoming. I was planning to use that occasion to get to know a girl better. (I don't know which one, but it's just a good opportunity that shouldn't be missed if one can avoid doing so.) *sigh*
Time to play Starcraft II drugged :D
Also, they only apparently shaved the bones on the ball of each foot down, I guess breaking the bones wasn't necessary. The big right toe was "corrected." Don't know how that fits into what really happened. However, the doctor and the nurse were both cool and cut the tension a lot. :) All I remember is going into the final room with serious tension turning slowly into mild tension, then waking up in a different room feeling EXTREMELY comfortable and warm under some sheets. The foreign-ness of the people before hand were drastically contrasted with the amiable asian lady who eased me back into consciousness.
It's about 3 hours after the surgery which started at eleven and took 31 minutes per foot, so it's 4:14pm right now. Apparently anesthesia takes tons of your hydration from you, so we went to starbucks afterwards, possibly the greatest thing we could have done.
I wish I could have blogged in the hospital to more accurately describe the feelings of fear I experienced pre-surgery.
Another interesting point, nobody in my family seemed to care yesterday (when I started to feel some anxiety) but now everybody's being really nice to me, and asking how it went and that sort of thing. It seems strange that there was such a change of heart. Maybe they knew I could handle it, but earlier this morning I really felt like ripping the IV out and running screaming from the room. Right before the lady said I couldn't take my music into the surgery I nearly cried, not because of the loss of music, but because of the strange/newness of the situation. Generally I get into "high stress" situations (doing timed sprints for some coach or giving a speech) and come away smiling and satisfied, but this was too much. I was going to be helpless while people pulled my limp body apart. If you've seen the horror movie "The Crazies," you know what I mean. If not, there's a scene where a "crazy" has a pitchfork and goes into a hospital and stabs everybody to death while they're pinned to their respective beds.
MAN this is a long entry. I hope this surgery was worth it, I don't know if I'll miss UTD homecoming. I was planning to use that occasion to get to know a girl better. (I don't know which one, but it's just a good opportunity that shouldn't be missed if one can avoid doing so.) *sigh*
Time to play Starcraft II drugged :D
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
DAY[-1]: Foot Surgery.
Ok, I admit it, now I'm dreading tomorrow. Or at least very anxious. I don't know how they plan to do this job: does it require a saw? a big hammer (with precision laser sights)? (They have to break my feet to reconstruct the right foot's big toe; it's twisting inwards)
Today I caught myself doing scissors walking back from breakfast. (scissors explanation: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4oQiiFfYac just watch the opening dribble tricks. those are scissors.) I guess it's a nostalgia thing, like I know I'll miss it once it's gone. Of course it will come back, but not being able to dribble around my room and embarrass people is going to be really annoying.
However, I totally gave in to human nature this morning and didn't go run like I normally do every other day or so. Kind of ironic, since today is the last day I'll be able to walk for a while. Recovery will be even harder I think, 'cause whenever I'm injured I ALWAYS want to play before I'm ready. I once snapped my ankle in half but continued playing and schooling people, awesome feeling. I miss it just talking about it, being that midfielder that controlled the game, whether it was with both feet or just one.
Oh, I've totally forgot to include the reason why I'm doing this surgery so early. Normally it was planned to go down around new year's, but if I had done that I wouldn't be able to play with my brother's team (or at least be in shape.). I've never played soccer with my brother, and have always wanted to. He's always had this curse that he could never find as good a coach as I had (dad rules), but finally he's found one, and I want to play (and play well, meaning in shape) for them this spring. So it's not just a medical procedure really, it's for a personal goal and a family cause. More to come later, I'll probably take my laptop home tonight after my math exam so I can freak out on this blog tomorrow morning before checkin.
By the way, check in is at 10:00am, surgery at 12:00pm I believe. Later.
Today I caught myself doing scissors walking back from breakfast. (scissors explanation: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4oQiiFfYac just watch the opening dribble tricks. those are scissors.) I guess it's a nostalgia thing, like I know I'll miss it once it's gone. Of course it will come back, but not being able to dribble around my room and embarrass people is going to be really annoying.
However, I totally gave in to human nature this morning and didn't go run like I normally do every other day or so. Kind of ironic, since today is the last day I'll be able to walk for a while. Recovery will be even harder I think, 'cause whenever I'm injured I ALWAYS want to play before I'm ready. I once snapped my ankle in half but continued playing and schooling people, awesome feeling. I miss it just talking about it, being that midfielder that controlled the game, whether it was with both feet or just one.
Oh, I've totally forgot to include the reason why I'm doing this surgery so early. Normally it was planned to go down around new year's, but if I had done that I wouldn't be able to play with my brother's team (or at least be in shape.). I've never played soccer with my brother, and have always wanted to. He's always had this curse that he could never find as good a coach as I had (dad rules), but finally he's found one, and I want to play (and play well, meaning in shape) for them this spring. So it's not just a medical procedure really, it's for a personal goal and a family cause. More to come later, I'll probably take my laptop home tonight after my math exam so I can freak out on this blog tomorrow morning before checkin.
By the way, check in is at 10:00am, surgery at 12:00pm I believe. Later.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
DAY[-2]: Foot Surgery.
So I just realized how messed up my feet really are. My left isn't as bad as my right, but my right foot has the toes bent out by about a good 35 to 40 degrees. It may be just a number for everybody that doesn't have my feet, but when you make your toes point straight and realize that your heel is pointing to about the 4:30 position, it starts to affect the way you think.
(yes, of course there's the whole ego booster ["How did I make all those killer passes with these messed up feet??"] but more than that [well, about the same] is the feeling that I need this surgery. )
Also, I won't be able to sprint back from the dining hall in case of pouring rain while carrying popcorn like I just did. Just saying.
(yes, of course there's the whole ego booster ["How did I make all those killer passes with these messed up feet??"] but more than that [well, about the same] is the feeling that I need this surgery. )
Also, I won't be able to sprint back from the dining hall in case of pouring rain while carrying popcorn like I just did. Just saying.
i really believe
that every seriously dirty, ugly, messed up person with every single flaw known to man has something that i can learn from. maybe it will be negative learning (as in don't do that, that'd be worse than how i am now) but so far every single person i've come across has something that can be picked up. pretty sweet, to think there are valuables everywhere, EVEN in stupid people. makes life a little less hard.
"hey, uh, i think we're going to be making a run to walmart soon." lmao kyle's reaction at my joke made my monday.
I NEED A HAIR CUT! i may go to the plano mall and see what they can do. maybe they can make me look like a true asian :D lol. until then, i'll be laddering :P
another thing!! the truth, i believe, is never told. only either our perception of it (which CAN be quite accurate,) but mainly our real thoughts are suppressed. (i just did it, i was going to write something on here but refrained. i don't remember what it was now, so don't ask lol. but it made an interesting contribution! :)) )
"hey, uh, i think we're going to be making a run to walmart soon." lmao kyle's reaction at my joke made my monday.
I NEED A HAIR CUT! i may go to the plano mall and see what they can do. maybe they can make me look like a true asian :D lol. until then, i'll be laddering :P
another thing!! the truth, i believe, is never told. only either our perception of it (which CAN be quite accurate,) but mainly our real thoughts are suppressed. (i just did it, i was going to write something on here but refrained. i don't remember what it was now, so don't ask lol. but it made an interesting contribution! :)) )
Monday, November 1, 2010
DAY[-3]: Foot Surgery.
It really didn't cross my mind today. Nothing serious out of the ordinary really affected my mental state today, and I really think it will be one of those things that you don't miss until it's gone, like shampoo or FOOD. The only time this momentous future occasion came into my thoughts today was when everybody reminded me that I needed to blog about it today.
The reason I think this is occurring is that I can't yet visualize the saw cutting into my feet or anything yet, there really isn't a reason to fear just yet. Once it gets closer (just like a project or paper left to the last minute), the good old fear will be there.
Until then, video games and the regular daily drudgery (homework and the like.). Maybe I'll dream about it, who knows.
The reason I think this is occurring is that I can't yet visualize the saw cutting into my feet or anything yet, there really isn't a reason to fear just yet. Once it gets closer (just like a project or paper left to the last minute), the good old fear will be there.
Until then, video games and the regular daily drudgery (homework and the like.). Maybe I'll dream about it, who knows.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
alright, so i've accomplished:
- destroying lindsay armistead.
- pissing off kelsie kile. (who has both of her names hilariously misspelt.)
- blowing off some girl that was talking to me after the vball game.
mission definitely accomplished, when asked if i had done what i intended to do today: punish stupid people.
the reason i am so sad though, is that i haven't changed a thing. no progress has been made. it seems almost like you have to be adolf hitler to actually change the world, or some dictator equivalent. and i say change the world as in change it to my liking, not just change some dumb aspect.
i mean seriously, after being alone for all those years, i came out of my (carefully crafted ninja) shell and discovered the world. i hate everybody, with the exception of a handful of people. what the hell gives? being smart is a curse? inflicting suffering is a talent of mine, but being really happy isn't. :P
- pissing off kelsie kile. (who has both of her names hilariously misspelt.)
- blowing off some girl that was talking to me after the vball game.
mission definitely accomplished, when asked if i had done what i intended to do today: punish stupid people.
the reason i am so sad though, is that i haven't changed a thing. no progress has been made. it seems almost like you have to be adolf hitler to actually change the world, or some dictator equivalent. and i say change the world as in change it to my liking, not just change some dumb aspect.
i mean seriously, after being alone for all those years, i came out of my (carefully crafted ninja) shell and discovered the world. i hate everybody, with the exception of a handful of people. what the hell gives? being smart is a curse? inflicting suffering is a talent of mine, but being really happy isn't. :P
don't tell me...
i spent my whole life steeling myself for this moment where i could literally go up to people and say 'GO TO HELL!' and now i can't do it?
F THIS D:
F THIS D:
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
i have irrefutable proof
that UTD is just as retarded as high school, and no less trivial.
case one: humanities teacher, Joan A. Mortensen. she has taken points off one of my papers for GRAMMAR, when only a few TYPOS were made. not GRAMMAR mistakes, or even really spelling mistakes. and then she writes
"not good written english"
on the side. fuck you, joan. wherever you are from, they must not good write THERE english either.
also, in engineering, the professor intentionally misleads us with the directions he writes, and blows through the lab overviews at top speed (also intentionally) so that we have to "work on our own."
idk about you, but for me, it really seems like engineering is a lot of "BS" and very little actual skill and knowledge, and that is not a career choice for me if that's the case. i have an obligation to be actually skilled and knowledgeable about the job i am responsible for, i am not a politician.
oh, and the trivial side of this comes from the engineering chapter (which i have to outline) called "numbers."
one line reads: "One use of numbers is for counting things."
i believe some genius Econ teacher at wakeland created a term called "13th and 14th grade?"
case one: humanities teacher, Joan A. Mortensen. she has taken points off one of my papers for GRAMMAR, when only a few TYPOS were made. not GRAMMAR mistakes, or even really spelling mistakes. and then she writes
"not good written english"
on the side. fuck you, joan. wherever you are from, they must not good write THERE english either.
also, in engineering, the professor intentionally misleads us with the directions he writes, and blows through the lab overviews at top speed (also intentionally) so that we have to "work on our own."
idk about you, but for me, it really seems like engineering is a lot of "BS" and very little actual skill and knowledge, and that is not a career choice for me if that's the case. i have an obligation to be actually skilled and knowledgeable about the job i am responsible for, i am not a politician.
oh, and the trivial side of this comes from the engineering chapter (which i have to outline) called "numbers."
one line reads: "One use of numbers is for counting things."
i believe some genius Econ teacher at wakeland created a term called "13th and 14th grade?"
Saturday, October 23, 2010
it kinda scares me
that you can be one person one moment and then another the next. i really like some aspects/persona of some people, but then their ugly sides always show and i end up hating them/at least seeing the truth. i have multiple sides too, don't get me wrong. it's always there.
i guess whoever has the best control of their personal sides rise to the top, have the most friends, etc. whoever has no control has nothing. :P
i guess whoever has the best control of their personal sides rise to the top, have the most friends, etc. whoever has no control has nothing. :P
Friday, October 22, 2010
something lost
if somebody loses something, and gets it back, whether immediately or later, it doesn't matter. the person who returns it gets a quick nothing (a "thanks," as they call it) and that's that. no other sort of gratitude is given. it's sickening. :( ....so why return it?
i'm being used as a pocket. what gives? where's the limit? i'm so sick of this. time to get back at the world.
i'm being used as a pocket. what gives? where's the limit? i'm so sick of this. time to get back at the world.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
2 important things from today :P
first thing first: the ugliness of people demanding and imposing on other people.
this is disgusting. why would you do that? what happened to the golden rule? i mention this today because of the atrocity i witnessed as i wandered the ECS building. as i was walking to the bathroom, i happened to pass an elevator. it was about to close and go about its business changing floors and such, when a huge black "lady" yells out:
"HOLD THE ELEVATUH."
as she waddled towards it. she was in NO hurry, she simply DIDN'T want to wait again. so she made everybody ELSE wait for her royal slowness to make it to the elevator doors. amazing(ly appalling.).
maybe this fits under the category of "misery distribution" but idk, it seems too... selfish. i mean, you see people do things all the time like holding the door for people but if the people inside the elevator wanted to hold the door, they would have. she could have at least hurried, but it didn't look like she ever had to do that her entire life. she probably just asked for help as a "black person," and that really angers me.
POINT TWO----------------------------
ANECDOTE: (this is all spurred on by a girl (kailey) walking by (who i am friends (?) with) that completely ignored me, because i left her dinner table last mealtime. what i explained to clinton was, that even though i left, she was at fault. there were only two seats to sit down at originally (there were other people), and kailey and her friend took them. then, when a table was added so further seats could be arranged, i was suddenly sitting at the opposite end from her, with people i didn't even know. later, i spotted my roommates, and went to sit with them. )
as we were sitting at dinner today, (just clinton and i, nobody else was there yet, and basel actually never did show up) we talked about the state of people's stupidity. clinton argued that everybody was stupid in their own area of inexpertise, and i agreed. i added my own notion that it seemed that a very large number of people are stupid in all the same way. (and that really sucks, said the underlying message of the conversation.)
i slightly changed the discussion topic to all girls being stupid. (which is preposterous, i hate it when that phrase is applied to boys, so i qualified it with you (Hailey N. Nash) being the only smart one :D) i said that was ironic, and clinton didn't understand straight away; i clarified. after that, the climax: (remember, it's just him and i at the table, so he's talking to me.)
Clinton: "You know what i think sucks about your social life?"
me: "Mine? What about it?"
Clinton: "It sounds like you're still in high school."
damn straight clinton, damn straight.
this mario character is cooler than i thought.
this is disgusting. why would you do that? what happened to the golden rule? i mention this today because of the atrocity i witnessed as i wandered the ECS building. as i was walking to the bathroom, i happened to pass an elevator. it was about to close and go about its business changing floors and such, when a huge black "lady" yells out:
"HOLD THE ELEVATUH."
as she waddled towards it. she was in NO hurry, she simply DIDN'T want to wait again. so she made everybody ELSE wait for her royal slowness to make it to the elevator doors. amazing(ly appalling.).
maybe this fits under the category of "misery distribution" but idk, it seems too... selfish. i mean, you see people do things all the time like holding the door for people but if the people inside the elevator wanted to hold the door, they would have. she could have at least hurried, but it didn't look like she ever had to do that her entire life. she probably just asked for help as a "black person," and that really angers me.
POINT TWO----------------------------
ANECDOTE: (this is all spurred on by a girl (kailey) walking by (who i am friends (?) with) that completely ignored me, because i left her dinner table last mealtime. what i explained to clinton was, that even though i left, she was at fault. there were only two seats to sit down at originally (there were other people), and kailey and her friend took them. then, when a table was added so further seats could be arranged, i was suddenly sitting at the opposite end from her, with people i didn't even know. later, i spotted my roommates, and went to sit with them. )
as we were sitting at dinner today, (just clinton and i, nobody else was there yet, and basel actually never did show up) we talked about the state of people's stupidity. clinton argued that everybody was stupid in their own area of inexpertise, and i agreed. i added my own notion that it seemed that a very large number of people are stupid in all the same way. (and that really sucks, said the underlying message of the conversation.)
i slightly changed the discussion topic to all girls being stupid. (which is preposterous, i hate it when that phrase is applied to boys, so i qualified it with you (Hailey N. Nash) being the only smart one :D) i said that was ironic, and clinton didn't understand straight away; i clarified. after that, the climax: (remember, it's just him and i at the table, so he's talking to me.)
Clinton: "You know what i think sucks about your social life?"
me: "Mine? What about it?"
Clinton: "It sounds like you're still in high school."
damn straight clinton, damn straight.
this mario character is cooler than i thought.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
finished being nice
to strangers forever :) time to fucking knock some people off their bikes and get them back to earth. nobody is higher than anybody else. get your shit straight.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
i've never realized
how much difference the teacher in a given class makes.
i used to enjoy math, not anymore. my current teacher is an idiot, whereas my high school math teacher knew what she was doing and assured you of the feeling that you knew what you were doing. also, now i don't mind government so much, since i have a fun/funny teacher. in high school, she was SO DULL to the point where i hated everything she did.
just saying.
i used to enjoy math, not anymore. my current teacher is an idiot, whereas my high school math teacher knew what she was doing and assured you of the feeling that you knew what you were doing. also, now i don't mind government so much, since i have a fun/funny teacher. in high school, she was SO DULL to the point where i hated everything she did.
just saying.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
the faith of the people (in relation to achieving a goal)
is won on the following factors:
1. success. the thought, or memory of success is the number one motivator. if you have done it before, it can definitely be done again, no matter what the odds, the possibility is there. this is stronger than not having done it, but seeing that it is close at hand.
2. personal drive. if one wills it, there will be a way, sooner or later. obviously, the greater the task, the greater the wait time/effort required.
3. leading charisma. some people have an ability to lead others on to success. ex: jose mourinho. if one can instill the belief into someone else that he is unstoppable, then he will be unstoppable.
1. success. the thought, or memory of success is the number one motivator. if you have done it before, it can definitely be done again, no matter what the odds, the possibility is there. this is stronger than not having done it, but seeing that it is close at hand.
2. personal drive. if one wills it, there will be a way, sooner or later. obviously, the greater the task, the greater the wait time/effort required.
3. leading charisma. some people have an ability to lead others on to success. ex: jose mourinho. if one can instill the belief into someone else that he is unstoppable, then he will be unstoppable.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
it is october 5th,
and there is nothing to report. life continues as per the usual, i'm an engineer! lol. just kidding, at least not an engineer yet. but in my everyday life, very much so as i continue the drudgery of slavery/hw. (actually, i think i only found the term "drudgery" because some blurb in my planner told me NOT to call hw "drudgery." in your face.)
yeah, so math is killing me, i'm probably failing government, and high school has shot me in the foot since day one.
THIS IS NOW ONLY A JOURNAL. NO MORE WISDOM COMES FROM ME. PERIOD.
yeah, so math is killing me, i'm probably failing government, and high school has shot me in the foot since day one.
THIS IS NOW ONLY A JOURNAL. NO MORE WISDOM COMES FROM ME. PERIOD.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
patience will win you the world;
and yet i don't have them. another missed chance? THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is the serious nature of my patience. they don't exist. give it, what, 3 days? and i go absolutely nuts.
i should just go enjoy the weather.
i should just go enjoy the weather.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
contradictions keep the world beautiful.
people are generally hypocrites; there's no way around it. each person definitely does not treat each person the same, including respect, conversation, and even level of decency. the boyfriends does not treat his friends the same as he treats his girlfriend. this is because of physical differences, i do not believe many of the masses are too DIFFERENT from one another mentally.
people get treated according to three things: actions, appearance, and treatment of others.
the only way to really eliminate hypocrites is to eliminate physical differences, as seen in "Brave New World" or such other books. obviously that wouldn't be worth it.
and so unfortunately, we must continue on, swimming in our own hypocrisy. *SIGH*
people get treated according to three things: actions, appearance, and treatment of others.
the only way to really eliminate hypocrites is to eliminate physical differences, as seen in "Brave New World" or such other books. obviously that wouldn't be worth it.
and so unfortunately, we must continue on, swimming in our own hypocrisy. *SIGH*
Thursday, September 23, 2010
false alarm?
we'll see. in other news, i have:
-a 4 page paper to finish
-a speech to give monday in which i have not practiced at all
-probably some C programming homework
-a lab report to write on engineering, which i hate and the labs are annoying as anything.
-math online homework.
and not a whole lot to keep me going. better be worth it. also, roommate X is imposing like he owns me... couldn't really stand up to him today in his situation though. i hate being ordered around more than anything.
*subject change* hope my behavior last night didn't ruin everything, but it sure looks like it did.
-a 4 page paper to finish
-a speech to give monday in which i have not practiced at all
-probably some C programming homework
-a lab report to write on engineering, which i hate and the labs are annoying as anything.
-math online homework.
and not a whole lot to keep me going. better be worth it. also, roommate X is imposing like he owns me... couldn't really stand up to him today in his situation though. i hate being ordered around more than anything.
*subject change* hope my behavior last night didn't ruin everything, but it sure looks like it did.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
the people aren't here.
the ones i'm looking for aren't present. there's nothing around me i want that isn't embedded in the past. "i am" has changed into "i was" and now i can grow up unimpeded by my childish desires, which have been stripped powerless.
time to waste away.
time to waste away.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
what is truly the higher action?
is it better to simply forgive and forget, or punish somebody while you have the chance and make things right?
depends on your religion, probably.
depends on your religion, probably.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
should i explain myself?
should i have to? to take my own life, what are the rules? actually, to hell with that, there are no rules. after that point, game over, no more ass covering, trying to be social, trying hard to get to the damn next level, no more stupid people, no annoying kids, no rejections, no awkwardness, no bed bugs, no ridiculous theories, no bigots, no christians, no waiting to enjoy things...
just silence. nothing else to worry you.
why should i stay alive? i am not happy, no real local friends to speak of. technically, everything is "going my way," but that's all. none of it is mine to enjoy. i am physically not able to enjoy life because of the riser's mentality, which, if unassumed, destines/label one as a failure anyway. (this is a destined waste of time by itself because you literally waste your entire life "leveling up" while your body/your ability to enjoy things wastes away.) i have one person that understands me. even my own mother sees suicide as a "dumb" idea, which really makes her seem close-minded. i never asked my dad, but i don't want to. it will disappoint him, but that's part of it i think. troy is troy. he'll be upset as well but idk, i don't see the point of setting an example for him by living. he's already better than i am. unfortunately for him, my mom will break down and cry like she always does, her pathetic self won't realize that crying doesn't change anything. however, she will be sure to tell troy to not do that. it's going to suck for them.
but i won't be part of it. maybe that's the greatest pull about suicide. no more trouble. no more late homework, no more worries. a sort of nirvana all for itself.
just silence. nothing else to worry you.
why should i stay alive? i am not happy, no real local friends to speak of. technically, everything is "going my way," but that's all. none of it is mine to enjoy. i am physically not able to enjoy life because of the riser's mentality, which, if unassumed, destines/label one as a failure anyway. (this is a destined waste of time by itself because you literally waste your entire life "leveling up" while your body/your ability to enjoy things wastes away.) i have one person that understands me. even my own mother sees suicide as a "dumb" idea, which really makes her seem close-minded. i never asked my dad, but i don't want to. it will disappoint him, but that's part of it i think. troy is troy. he'll be upset as well but idk, i don't see the point of setting an example for him by living. he's already better than i am. unfortunately for him, my mom will break down and cry like she always does, her pathetic self won't realize that crying doesn't change anything. however, she will be sure to tell troy to not do that. it's going to suck for them.
but i won't be part of it. maybe that's the greatest pull about suicide. no more trouble. no more late homework, no more worries. a sort of nirvana all for itself.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
DECISIONS
today at pei wei (is it one word? separate? maybe it's "PAY WAY", lol)i had a revelation, sort of.
i noticed that every single piece of clothing, every single high or low light in a girl's hair, every bad haircut on a guy is a DECISION that was made by somebody, and was more than liking influenced by a friend, an idol, or a family member.
therefore, i muse: are we REALLY our own person? are we/can we be the individual that america says you can be? that's the idea, isn't it? try to make yourself into this independent, unrelying person that has all the self-confidence in the world, not to mention not make mistakes (such as spilling one's drink at the dinner table)?
to me, it seems more like an amalgamation of people working on you from the very start.
so there.
i noticed that every single piece of clothing, every single high or low light in a girl's hair, every bad haircut on a guy is a DECISION that was made by somebody, and was more than liking influenced by a friend, an idol, or a family member.
therefore, i muse: are we REALLY our own person? are we/can we be the individual that america says you can be? that's the idea, isn't it? try to make yourself into this independent, unrelying person that has all the self-confidence in the world, not to mention not make mistakes (such as spilling one's drink at the dinner table)?
to me, it seems more like an amalgamation of people working on you from the very start.
so there.
Friday, September 3, 2010
i've done it.
i've broken free. i learned everything from him worth taking, and finally found his fault. the day it hurt me created a chasm;
it grew into a void.
it killed the brothers, made them separate from the greatness that once was.
time to find my own path.
it grew into a void.
it killed the brothers, made them separate from the greatness that once was.
time to find my own path.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
excerpt
from my first college paper.
"Finally, the thing I most look forward to as an experience here at UTD is the transformation
of me. After years of near-isolation and aloneness, I am quite interested in how the forced
meeting of people and definite group work will change me. I have never been a very social person
(though I am decent at faking it), and I see people all around me happy in their groups. I’ve
never been that way, but when I hang out with a few friends I am content. Generally, though, up
to this point I’ve avoided bigger groups. I’ve done this because I’ve never seen the pull of
being in such a large group. It doesn’t seem like you can really pay attention to all the people
or pick out all the details and complexities of one person, defeating the purpose of hanging out
in my opinion. Although, my guess on the psychology behind it is that you never see the “bad” of
each person when in plurality, as each person tries not to be the proverbial “party pooper” and
be angry or upset in a time of hang out that everyone shares, as doing so would be a waste of
everyone’s time, except possibly the person angry. I believe it tends to work rather well as
people focus on the good versus the bad.
Also worth noting: the second thing to focus on here at campus is a psychology I’ve been
developing that I call “Human Control.” With a wealth of “test subjects,” so to speak, I will be
able to experiment with ideas I’ve read about in general psychology classes such as inception
and persuasion. The difference here is how I will be going about these ideas. I want to know if
people will react subconsciously to images they’ve seen before, humanistic or not. An example
would include invoking the subject’s memory in a pleasant manner in order to force a certain
reaction. Specifics are not exactly necessary, I’m certain one could come up with the uses of
this particular ability. "
the rest is insignificant.
"Finally, the thing I most look forward to as an experience here at UTD is the transformation
of me. After years of near-isolation and aloneness, I am quite interested in how the forced
meeting of people and definite group work will change me. I have never been a very social person
(though I am decent at faking it), and I see people all around me happy in their groups. I’ve
never been that way, but when I hang out with a few friends I am content. Generally, though, up
to this point I’ve avoided bigger groups. I’ve done this because I’ve never seen the pull of
being in such a large group. It doesn’t seem like you can really pay attention to all the people
or pick out all the details and complexities of one person, defeating the purpose of hanging out
in my opinion. Although, my guess on the psychology behind it is that you never see the “bad” of
each person when in plurality, as each person tries not to be the proverbial “party pooper” and
be angry or upset in a time of hang out that everyone shares, as doing so would be a waste of
everyone’s time, except possibly the person angry. I believe it tends to work rather well as
people focus on the good versus the bad.
Also worth noting: the second thing to focus on here at campus is a psychology I’ve been
developing that I call “Human Control.” With a wealth of “test subjects,” so to speak, I will be
able to experiment with ideas I’ve read about in general psychology classes such as inception
and persuasion. The difference here is how I will be going about these ideas. I want to know if
people will react subconsciously to images they’ve seen before, humanistic or not. An example
would include invoking the subject’s memory in a pleasant manner in order to force a certain
reaction. Specifics are not exactly necessary, I’m certain one could come up with the uses of
this particular ability. "
the rest is insignificant.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
lunch-hour supervillain
today for lunch, i walked past some eco-friendly sign saying that if each person used one less napkin a day, rainforests would be saved, and tons (literally, the 2000 pound ones) of paper would be conserved daily.
i used 14 napkins as i tried to eat my stupidly made deli sandwich. the lunch lady deliberately put all the ingredients in the crevice of the bread and smashed them together, creating a huge mess. now, while the average person would blame the lunch lady for our midday ecodisaster, i take full credit. i am wrecking the rainforests and polluting the earth. and you can't stop me.
seriously, this was actually just a lame (and failed) mental attempt to hide the fact that i sat alone again at lunch. hailey, it may not bother you but it bothers me, i don't know why. in the morning for breakfast, i'm studying so it doesn't matter, but when there are 3429587974 people in the lunch room and i'm still alone, i feel like a failure. i still don't know why. i shouldn't care, i suppose, but this just reiterates the fact that i'm going to have nobody to share my engineering success with. is it really harder to make friends than succeed at being an engineer?
oh, and that Taoist book i'm reading basically agrees with me and says being stupid and not worrying about things will lead to a happy life and no worries. dumb people do this daily and apparently are happy, is there no other way??? (i thought about cap-locking that last phrase.)
i do have the foresight to realize, however, that THAT is life's challenge. if i find that last thing, that's game over. when i've achieved that, my life will have everything it "needs." (in other words, what i wanted it to contain: no stupid people, no choosy people, success, minimal worries. entertainment.)
as of now, my awesome foresight is doing me no good and i am quite depressed.
i used 14 napkins as i tried to eat my stupidly made deli sandwich. the lunch lady deliberately put all the ingredients in the crevice of the bread and smashed them together, creating a huge mess. now, while the average person would blame the lunch lady for our midday ecodisaster, i take full credit. i am wrecking the rainforests and polluting the earth. and you can't stop me.
seriously, this was actually just a lame (and failed) mental attempt to hide the fact that i sat alone again at lunch. hailey, it may not bother you but it bothers me, i don't know why. in the morning for breakfast, i'm studying so it doesn't matter, but when there are 3429587974 people in the lunch room and i'm still alone, i feel like a failure. i still don't know why. i shouldn't care, i suppose, but this just reiterates the fact that i'm going to have nobody to share my engineering success with. is it really harder to make friends than succeed at being an engineer?
oh, and that Taoist book i'm reading basically agrees with me and says being stupid and not worrying about things will lead to a happy life and no worries. dumb people do this daily and apparently are happy, is there no other way??? (i thought about cap-locking that last phrase.)
i do have the foresight to realize, however, that THAT is life's challenge. if i find that last thing, that's game over. when i've achieved that, my life will have everything it "needs." (in other words, what i wanted it to contain: no stupid people, no choosy people, success, minimal worries. entertainment.)
as of now, my awesome foresight is doing me no good and i am quite depressed.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
new chapter.
so i'm in. i'm just as bad as all the other rich kids, just as guilty. or, on the other hand, maybe i'm just being fashionable? is there really such a distinction? do the higher level material items automatically put you in the asshole category? hmm.
hope not. but i love this style, so yeah. i'm currently in san antonio (here goes the filler) because troy wanted to attend a regional event for yugioh. i guess it was good to get away but i think i would have preferred to hang with new friends than get new jeans. i guess its better this way cause otherwise it would be harder to accomplish both without mother's funds... :P
javascript:void(0)
also, it feels pretty good without oppressive, antagonistic assholes in your life. all i have to deal with now are things like my car breaking, or too much homework, things easily dealt with proper discipline. very nice :P more to come later, time to sleep.
Taoism? research it later, chao.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
today, for whatever reason,
i've woken with a sense of optimism. this was, embarrassing so, in part due to my nice puma jacket which i have been saving for this cooler bit of weather.
this sense of optimism did not kick in until i realized my outfit for the day was quite sensible, and in addition to that, good looking.
hopefully this pays off in some slight, but measurable way.
i need to work out, seriously.
this sense of optimism did not kick in until i realized my outfit for the day was quite sensible, and in addition to that, good looking.
hopefully this pays off in some slight, but measurable way.
i need to work out, seriously.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
it's been awhile.
pretty depressed here.... not nervous that nobody really knows me here at utd, but depressed cause so far it looks like its going to stay like this: just like high school. less gay, more life changing (more money at the end), more friendly souls around me but still lots of aloneness.
this generally has never bothered me before now, because it hadn't mattered until i thought about "down the road," and "in the future."
i realized that after i have a decent job, and a place of my own, and all the possessions i really cared to have, what's the fun of all that without somebody to share it with?
i don't even necessarily mean "oh i need a girlfriend to justify all of this crap i'm going through in school", but more like i don't even know if a person (or persons, lots of friends, girls, whatever) will make any difference to me then.
basically i wanna know what i'm fighting for, but i don't think anybody will give me this answer. maybe i will find a person to BE that answer, but i don't know for sure... maybe that's what's so scary about everything now.
what i LOVE about this blog: i can see my thoughts in retrospect. i think at a pace where the next thought is simply coming too fast. this seems really cool, until you realize you can't remember what you thought 40 seconds before you had your "revelation" thought. then you don't remember why you had it, and you have to dismiss the entire session of introspection and call yourself emptyheaded.
other than that this blog is really just a grievance list.
EDIT:
also, i just "followed" my own blog. while this looks supremely conceited, i assure you it is not. i simply do not know how to take myself off of that list, and suspect the programming on this site is flawed.
this generally has never bothered me before now, because it hadn't mattered until i thought about "down the road," and "in the future."
i realized that after i have a decent job, and a place of my own, and all the possessions i really cared to have, what's the fun of all that without somebody to share it with?
i don't even necessarily mean "oh i need a girlfriend to justify all of this crap i'm going through in school", but more like i don't even know if a person (or persons, lots of friends, girls, whatever) will make any difference to me then.
basically i wanna know what i'm fighting for, but i don't think anybody will give me this answer. maybe i will find a person to BE that answer, but i don't know for sure... maybe that's what's so scary about everything now.
what i LOVE about this blog: i can see my thoughts in retrospect. i think at a pace where the next thought is simply coming too fast. this seems really cool, until you realize you can't remember what you thought 40 seconds before you had your "revelation" thought. then you don't remember why you had it, and you have to dismiss the entire session of introspection and call yourself emptyheaded.
other than that this blog is really just a grievance list.
EDIT:
also, i just "followed" my own blog. while this looks supremely conceited, i assure you it is not. i simply do not know how to take myself off of that list, and suspect the programming on this site is flawed.
Monday, August 16, 2010
a short yet bittersweet entry
so i've come to the realization (actually, i've been at this point for years, but haven't ever had a BLOG to put it in writing) that people only act as they are SHAPED. you can be anybody you wanna be, so long as you were exposed to the right stimuli as a kid. there's no such thing as too radical a change. take an asian kid and put him in a white home, and he'll become a white man.
shit happens.
currently listening to the inception soundtrack! it's classical: definitely not my usual stuff, but it's really relaxing. try it! if you've seen the movie it's worth downloading. :P
shit happens.
currently listening to the inception soundtrack! it's classical: definitely not my usual stuff, but it's really relaxing. try it! if you've seen the movie it's worth downloading. :P
Monday, August 2, 2010
dude.
my body is quite weird. apparently i have an irregular heartbeat, but resting rate is 52/minute. thats nuts. i used to have a heartbeat of 72/minute. also, i may have surgery on my feet for "bunyans", or extra large "ball of foot." you know, the "ball of your foot?" mine are huge.
and they MAKE MY SHOES DIE.
i hate that the most. most kids can use their $200 pair of soccer shoes for 2 years or more (provided they don't grow) but mine last for a year max. so maybe that surgery is a good thing. also; maybe i'll get open heart surgery?? :D lol its gonna be shit on your wallet time but i think it'd be a worthwhile experience eventually.
also: college has not set in yet. idk why but it simply hasn't. however, i'm not looking forward to writing term papers. i've always had this logic about writing as a grade; why not talk about what you're writing about? your thoughts will come out more cleanly, and you'd get over your fear of public speaking. idk. food for thought.
and they MAKE MY SHOES DIE.
i hate that the most. most kids can use their $200 pair of soccer shoes for 2 years or more (provided they don't grow) but mine last for a year max. so maybe that surgery is a good thing. also; maybe i'll get open heart surgery?? :D lol its gonna be shit on your wallet time but i think it'd be a worthwhile experience eventually.
also: college has not set in yet. idk why but it simply hasn't. however, i'm not looking forward to writing term papers. i've always had this logic about writing as a grade; why not talk about what you're writing about? your thoughts will come out more cleanly, and you'd get over your fear of public speaking. idk. food for thought.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
the >> button on your ipod
what is it for? obviously the function is to advance one from one song to the next, whether randomly or not is up to the user.
however, if the ipod is YOURS, then obviously you have filled it with all your favorites tunes and since every song is a good one, you, the owner of this fully customized ipod, have no need for such a button.
and yet, i find myself using this button quite frequently. i do not know why. i have deleted all the music previously on this device, and replaced it with my own selection of quality sound. nevertheless, i am jumping from song to song like a SPED kid with ADD.
it seems that, once one has a perfectly suitable selection of music at his fingertips, nothing is good enough anymore. only the latest addition of music will do for his ears. why is that? did his old songs depreciate in value? actually, i don't believe it is possible for a song to "go down" in value... we do have classics for a reason, after all.
after thinking about this, and listening to my music for a while, i realize the solution is simply to ignore apple's little demon button that is so required for product symmetry. i've begun to slow down and appreciate each song for what it is. i believe that is the way music is meant to be enjoyed, every beat, every note heard and taken note of. beautifully.
however, if the ipod is YOURS, then obviously you have filled it with all your favorites tunes and since every song is a good one, you, the owner of this fully customized ipod, have no need for such a button.
and yet, i find myself using this button quite frequently. i do not know why. i have deleted all the music previously on this device, and replaced it with my own selection of quality sound. nevertheless, i am jumping from song to song like a SPED kid with ADD.
it seems that, once one has a perfectly suitable selection of music at his fingertips, nothing is good enough anymore. only the latest addition of music will do for his ears. why is that? did his old songs depreciate in value? actually, i don't believe it is possible for a song to "go down" in value... we do have classics for a reason, after all.
after thinking about this, and listening to my music for a while, i realize the solution is simply to ignore apple's little demon button that is so required for product symmetry. i've begun to slow down and appreciate each song for what it is. i believe that is the way music is meant to be enjoyed, every beat, every note heard and taken note of. beautifully.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
oh, and stupid people...
run the world. the simple truth is ugly in nature, yes.
this is simply a rehash of a previous conversation, but i believe necessary to avoid this journal path i've been wandering down.
imagine how boring life would be if everyone lived their life to the best advice they knew:
"how was your day reikai?"
"good, i followed the best advice and my life is on track. how was yours?"
"good, same here."
NOW think about all the stupid stories you've heard lately about, people doing something really DUMB that made you laugh. ironic, no? if everybody was SMART, the world would be boring. strange? yeah. and thus, without your class clowns and morons, the world would probably lack all excitement of dumb humor, or easy entertainment.
quite sad :P
this is simply a rehash of a previous conversation, but i believe necessary to avoid this journal path i've been wandering down.
imagine how boring life would be if everyone lived their life to the best advice they knew:
"how was your day reikai?"
"good, i followed the best advice and my life is on track. how was yours?"
"good, same here."
NOW think about all the stupid stories you've heard lately about, people doing something really DUMB that made you laugh. ironic, no? if everybody was SMART, the world would be boring. strange? yeah. and thus, without your class clowns and morons, the world would probably lack all excitement of dumb humor, or easy entertainment.
quite sad :P
heat exhaustion.
i am ready to move out at this point: my summer has been lame thus far and i'm ready to move on: the people at fitness camp seem nice enough. i don't really hang out with anyone since my life (ALREADY) is soccer 23/6 and my AC is broken, so i basically have been cooking in my house for the past week, NOT hanging out with anybody. i'm also pretty sure i pissed off the last friend i have, the rest are pretty much all fakers.
is my creativity dying because of heat? or what? the absolute worst part of this entire thing is the fact that i will NEVER have this summer back. this carefree, young summer, is slipping by and i can't ever reach back and alter it. (and trust me, i've wished to change my past plenty.)
also, my mother is hovering over my shoulder. since the AC is broken, we left the laptop (soon to be mine?) in the coolest room of the house: living room. so i now am posed with a dilemma. do i switch rooms and blog in the heat or put up with her damn snooping?
hmm.
if you don't know me, you might think i changed rooms and typed that out. i did not change rooms.
but yeah, my social dilemma. its gonna either be hell or very average these next couple of weeks. its already hell, i don't do anything except make friends with going-to-be-freshmen around my block at the community pool in my pathetic attempts to cool off. next week its going to be triple digits the entire week, and we will continute to have practice. i don't know what i'm going to do in the school year, when we'll have 6 days of practice a week. if i don't burn out, i'll just die. :P
it seems an easy life no more for me. (my mother is now complaining about the temperature that i've had to sleep in for 3 nights or so.)
so yeah, if you couldn't tell, if your AC is broken, it becomes all you can think about.
HIGHLIGHT OF MY DAY: seeing ryan ward at wakeland high school this morning as i walked away from the school, having picked up my FINAL transcript. i simply smiled the "hey man!" smile i give all my enemies and he scowled his monkey smile as usual. he was carrying stuff for his mom's classroom, LOL. have fun wasting 2 more years of your life in high school, asshole. wish i could have thrown an elbow instead.
this is becoming a journal. this is pathetic.
is my creativity dying because of heat? or what? the absolute worst part of this entire thing is the fact that i will NEVER have this summer back. this carefree, young summer, is slipping by and i can't ever reach back and alter it. (and trust me, i've wished to change my past plenty.)
also, my mother is hovering over my shoulder. since the AC is broken, we left the laptop (soon to be mine?) in the coolest room of the house: living room. so i now am posed with a dilemma. do i switch rooms and blog in the heat or put up with her damn snooping?
hmm.
if you don't know me, you might think i changed rooms and typed that out. i did not change rooms.
but yeah, my social dilemma. its gonna either be hell or very average these next couple of weeks. its already hell, i don't do anything except make friends with going-to-be-freshmen around my block at the community pool in my pathetic attempts to cool off. next week its going to be triple digits the entire week, and we will continute to have practice. i don't know what i'm going to do in the school year, when we'll have 6 days of practice a week. if i don't burn out, i'll just die. :P
it seems an easy life no more for me. (my mother is now complaining about the temperature that i've had to sleep in for 3 nights or so.)
so yeah, if you couldn't tell, if your AC is broken, it becomes all you can think about.
HIGHLIGHT OF MY DAY: seeing ryan ward at wakeland high school this morning as i walked away from the school, having picked up my FINAL transcript. i simply smiled the "hey man!" smile i give all my enemies and he scowled his monkey smile as usual. he was carrying stuff for his mom's classroom, LOL. have fun wasting 2 more years of your life in high school, asshole. wish i could have thrown an elbow instead.
this is becoming a journal. this is pathetic.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
the most unlikely source
started this blog. i never would have guessed an ex-cheerleader would have inspired this. nonetheless, here it is. modelled after thomas gore and his awkward greatness, filled with my thoughts only.
a strange thing happens when i created this blog. as i am writing this, i can seem to only think about the blog itself, versus any ideas i formerly had about writing. i feel compelled to explain my every action; as though this were not MY format and MY place to write.
as soon as i overcome this obstacle more substantial and personal thoughts will ensue, but as for now, i must tip my imaginary hat to katlin stewart for hitting the head of hypocracy's nail. well done; but the congratulations must be cut short: my own thought is about to take root.
technology and ignoring people: these do not go together. there is bound to be a problem, especially when technology was created for the purpose of linking people. at the risk of sounding closer to the "loser" end of things, ignoring somebody through technology is complete chickenshit.
reading a text and ignoring it is like having somebody ask you something, looking them in the face (meaning you "read" their message) and then turning away and not saying anything. imagine if that happened to you in real life. in fact, i don't think anybody is badass enough to do that to anyone in real life where it couldn't be played off, attributed to loud music or some other vague interference.
ahem. is this the extent of a blog, a lengthy facebook-status-esque bitching? please tell me no.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)