pretty depressed here.... not nervous that nobody really knows me here at utd, but depressed cause so far it looks like its going to stay like this: just like high school. less gay, more life changing (more money at the end), more friendly souls around me but still lots of aloneness.
this generally has never bothered me before now, because it hadn't mattered until i thought about "down the road," and "in the future."
i realized that after i have a decent job, and a place of my own, and all the possessions i really cared to have, what's the fun of all that without somebody to share it with?
i don't even necessarily mean "oh i need a girlfriend to justify all of this crap i'm going through in school", but more like i don't even know if a person (or persons, lots of friends, girls, whatever) will make any difference to me then.
basically i wanna know what i'm fighting for, but i don't think anybody will give me this answer. maybe i will find a person to BE that answer, but i don't know for sure... maybe that's what's so scary about everything now.
what i LOVE about this blog: i can see my thoughts in retrospect. i think at a pace where the next thought is simply coming too fast. this seems really cool, until you realize you can't remember what you thought 40 seconds before you had your "revelation" thought. then you don't remember why you had it, and you have to dismiss the entire session of introspection and call yourself emptyheaded.
other than that this blog is really just a grievance list.
EDIT:
also, i just "followed" my own blog. while this looks supremely conceited, i assure you it is not. i simply do not know how to take myself off of that list, and suspect the programming on this site is flawed.
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