should i have to? to take my own life, what are the rules? actually, to hell with that, there are no rules. after that point, game over, no more ass covering, trying to be social, trying hard to get to the damn next level, no more stupid people, no annoying kids, no rejections, no awkwardness, no bed bugs, no ridiculous theories, no bigots, no christians, no waiting to enjoy things...
just silence. nothing else to worry you.
why should i stay alive? i am not happy, no real local friends to speak of. technically, everything is "going my way," but that's all. none of it is mine to enjoy. i am physically not able to enjoy life because of the riser's mentality, which, if unassumed, destines/label one as a failure anyway. (this is a destined waste of time by itself because you literally waste your entire life "leveling up" while your body/your ability to enjoy things wastes away.) i have one person that understands me. even my own mother sees suicide as a "dumb" idea, which really makes her seem close-minded. i never asked my dad, but i don't want to. it will disappoint him, but that's part of it i think. troy is troy. he'll be upset as well but idk, i don't see the point of setting an example for him by living. he's already better than i am. unfortunately for him, my mom will break down and cry like she always does, her pathetic self won't realize that crying doesn't change anything. however, she will be sure to tell troy to not do that. it's going to suck for them.
but i won't be part of it. maybe that's the greatest pull about suicide. no more trouble. no more late homework, no more worries. a sort of nirvana all for itself.
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