choices

miserable for a whole year and happy for one moment or happy for the year and miserable in one moment? the latter, unfortunately, is how champions are made. they live for that one moment. the ironic thing is, the ones that are made fun of in society are usually secret champions. they study(practice) their asses off, only for that one moment that says "yes, you have done it, you have succeeded on a level far greater than anyone else." but on a day to day basis, they are not happy. they drudge away at things that are repetitive and boring, not giving any time for themselves, dedicating themselves solely to the task at hand. a champion's mindset. but is it worth it? people will tell you "do what you want." i'm trying to do that. i hate slaving away at something that i know won't help later. and yet, it's going to hurt me in a big way. is that why people tell you to look at the stars and dream big, so they can take all the money that people like dreamers drop on the ground while staring skyward? i'm not sure where to go, what to do, and for me, even though the tests aren't done, finals pressure isn't off. i feel like a failure just letting get this close and not being able to pull it out of this danger zone. i feel terrible and my parents hate me for it. (they don't HATE me, but i can feel the disapproval like no other. the worst feeling in the world.) i don't know what i will do if the negative outcome surfaces. i don't want to make a plan for it. but i might have to. i just can't stand the thought of it, and it might become reality. i am scared, and that's an understatement. i might live a horrid life just because of these... "people." my mindset is also so imperfect. even though i know the concepts they are teaching me are worthless, i refuse to do really understand them because of that, not even realizing (to some degree obviously) that they will affect me in a big way, at least the numbers they assign to me. i think that beyond the fire, my life has been a failure so far.

i just hope it's enough.

it's one thing to act tough and say that i'm going to shrug it off if i end up keeping the scholarship. it's completely another to not know the test grade and wonder if i'm across the line or just short of it. i hate having to wonder like this, but it's just that my life completely changes from this point on if i don't make it. crossed fingers.

i keep coming back here like something will change...

i think something i don't quite understand, is that the longer i wait to do something, nothing about that thing changes except how UNPREPARED i will be to do it. there isn't really even a reason behind this blog post, except to maybe highlight the nervousness i still get around the chance of failure. i can't imagine what will happen to me if i lose my scholarship, but it's always on my mind when i'm at school, and especially gets bad when it comes near test time or getting a test back with the grade on it. i MUST succeed, and the drive and the fall don't scare me, but it's more about the stupid people i'll be associated with after failing. people will be forever confused about how smart i actually am, being able to instantly solve people's problems and critically thinking myself out of potentially dangerous/unadvantageous situations. i'll be forever put with the potheads and the people without the willpower to change their own bodies or achieve things that they really desire, let alone the things that they don't desire so much. it's gross to think that's where i'll lie, so unfairly so, with the people who will never be properly examined by the office uppers who "don't have time." i wish i could fix the system, but just the existence of people that won't try to even change their beliefs are the ones that kill the spirit of being good. this is kind of why i'm partial to just be totally cool with just chilling in an apartment somewhere playing starcraft and NOT GIVING HALF A SHIT of what others think about me. i'll still dress with class, and do my laundry and stuff, but a super high paying job that requires kissing the ass of fake people everywhere? no thanks. is there a career doesn't require dealing with a lot of sucking up? i got it. a starcraft player.

i don't know why

i came here to unleash my thoughts into a safe place, as this isn't really safe, but i guess it's true that i can say whatever i want here. i don't know how to describe how i'm feeling about school and starcraft and not having an entire life plan like mr. cone showed us how to create in 12th grade. i can't believe the people of the administration would also rather just push away responsibility to the students and not enforce their own policy about keeping records of the students grades. the word stupid keeps coming up, so i'm going to type it out of my hands: stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid. there. phew. anyway, the people there are strangely... invisible. i think they might not be fully human. the way the woman looked at me when she took my appeal... was creepy, to say the least. at least i will pass anyway and give them the middle finger as they tell me "i told you so, just try harder, it isn't our job to fix things, it's all on the student who has to pay all the fines and tuition just to be competitive in the job market even though you don't actually learn any new skills in college." negativity gone. (yeah, right.) hmm... i don't know why i thought this would help, but it didn't even help. things aren't worse in my head, but they aren't fixed. i wonder what it will take. at least i have the outlet.

BJH

i really miss smashing people with you, man. a shame you'll never see this. we had so much fun together, and maybe it's a lie, but facebook makes you look like you have never smiled more in your life. i hope everything goes well for you. pitiful that things didn't work out the way they could have, we could have caused so much trouble together. you taught me so much that i'll never forget, and just looking at my news feed from time to time i'm still learning more from you. i don't know why it's now that all this is hitting me, but i think it just goes to show that you never know who you're next to (and how many percent AMAZING they are) until they're long gone and beyond your ability to experience it again. i wish we could have destroyed everybody this past weekend at the intermural soccer tournament. i hit this sweet equalizer that you would have been proud of me for. although you probably would have been rather bored with the no slide tackling rule ;), it would have still been the best feeling in the world. i still consider you my older brother. BJH

Make so much sense from a man with more class than was given to him. Really proves you can earn just about anything, as long as you remember the same amount of effort and determination doesn't work for everything. Belief is the most powerful weapon. --- Jose Mourinho

paradigm shifter

"You can't emphasize enough how much you need to be a paradigm shifter." --- SaviOr. I think this is absolutely true. You can never see the other side without seeing it through somebody else or experiencing it yourself, and that information is beyond valuable. I will have the last laugh in the grownup world, and my willpower is something to be feared. I'll do it in style, and make it look easy. Then I'll come back and have my laugh. Until then, I've got to take dead aim at what I need to accomplish: having a perfect GPA, or as close as I can get it. After I repay my parents, start creating my perfect little hideaway away from everyone, where I live a classy but quiet life. I don't want anything but me and things to think about, I may even skip on having somebody to share it with, but that's down the road and I can comfortably wait to make that decision. Since there is no real accomplishment in life, I will make my own. They will be completely defined by me, and I will be the final judge of my character, with no exceptions. I still wonder what good an Audi R8 is without friends?

some realizations

Everyone lies at least once. Time is relative to your ability to track it. It's better to live for yourself and die alone rather than live for others and die amongst them On the same token, it's better to be not happy and alone compared to unhappy with someone. The more ability you have, the less effort you will put forth. No fact is unquestionable Do what you will because no one knows what will be.

the truth?

you know what the truth is? there really isn't anybody good out there. nobody. not one person.

reactionary

this is what i have to be in order to finish this semester. this means finding my old ways, doing all homework instantly, and going to every single help session (ok, that's not reactionary) available to me. i never used to go to these sessions. i never needed them until the teachers stopped caring about how much the students learned. all the reviews, extra worksheets, and reiterations i thought were stupid were actually helping. (never thought I'd say this.) now that i'm on my own, i almost never do the entire homework. just skimming over it isn't enough, no matter how boring it is. it needs to be done so that all the weird problems (that will be inevitably and stupidly placed on the exams) can be taken care of. i DON'T feel like this is fair, i DON'T think i deserve this sort of dire consequence, but the bottom line is that i have to cooperate, for the simple reason that they outnumber me. i cannot become the majority. the most logical or brilliant solution is never the one most thought of, and therefore i will have to simply bite my tongue for this semester and become who i was: an unquestioning, hard-working, single-minded person with no social life. sounds fun. welcome to college.

lesson number one when dealing with parents:

NEVER tell them anything that could come back to bite you later. they will always, without fail, bring it up later. doesn't matter the situation, you're going to be in trouble.

better to just keep it inside. the strongest always can.

season three: my last chance before school

to get to master's league.

also, good people have fallen off the face of the planet (no pun intended for what i'm about to say.). facebook is the new immature myspace. all the high school kids are on it: google+ is now the new facebook, but for adults. please, if you are immature, do not add me on plus. it's my turn to be choosy, and you will have no say in what i do.

soon i think i will delete my facebook in favor of class and unlimited social interaction, versus choosy pieces of shit that think they are the best in what they do and don't do.

reikai hwaiting :D

i'm reading horror stuff

and it doesn't phase me near as bad as the first time. idk why. however, i like how everything is a big question mark, and it's up to you to unlock each disturbing image with your mind, everything is up to the user. idk why i like horror stories, and someone will probably find it messed up that i'm writing something like this, so to-the-point, but i enjoy interesting stories :)

PTR is up :D time to go test :))) new maps and such.

kind of unfair

to ask your son to talk to someone he doesn't want to, even if it's his dad. i feel like i'll feel guilty from doing this(not talking to my dad), but years of practicing not feeling guilty tells me that once i forget about it there will only be silence. I don't want to brood (haha, punny) on my decision too much.

anyway, 1-0 in geforce. gogo reikAi

why is that fair?

why can you have any say at all in the world, when you're about to leave and potentially not come back?

why? because we all fucking know you're coming back, and you're just milking it out so your return is welcomed when you decide after drinking and partying with your friends that this is the right place for you, where you can boss people around to do YOUR chores while you sit around and watch soccer, waiting for the next opportunity to use your overpowered control on your wuss of a wife. get the fuck out of my life. i'm ready to live it for ME.

you have something that i don't have!

and i don't even know what it is, yet it pisses me off to think i'm missing something. sad but the truth. i'm being selfish about this, don't get me wrong, i'm mad about myself not being all-inclusive, and not mad about losing you. i'm just still being the same old undeveloped person that everyone is used to pushing around and calling useless and "needs improvement" and stuff.

only thing to do to get rid of my negative energy is turn it into workout energy or whatever. really hard to do when your dad consistently gets you up at 8-9 every fucking morning to do this project or that. really makes the idea of actually taking a long run and working yourself out for a good half hour pretty unattractive.

also: getting sick of my manager bitching and throwing a fit and being a little perfectionist for his company's image. guess is better anyways, get over it. other than that the job isn't too bad, except for the shitty pay, which i could find virtually anywhere else.

soccer is also annoying, with people joining last minute. get your shit straight, play for the team or don't play, i'm not here to waste my time and "have fun." i want to win. it's not a "oh, whatever, no big deal that we lost." i paid money for this shit. let's get better and understand the game and go WIN some games, and save your gf for after the practice or whatever.

so glad my blog has turned into a negative outlet for me. great use of my recordable thought website. time for bed and to start the same shit up for tomorrow. service industry, nice.

unwanted house guests

for 4 years, troy will have to endure 2 strangers in the forms of middle school girls. that is not fair to me, troy, or mom. all of us will have to do more work, while my dad just goes happygolucky over everything, claiming fake family honor and shit. troy will come home with no one real to talk to, and no space (or not as much) to call his own. mom will have to keep buying them female hygiene products and take them to school (or someone will), and they may join sports team that require addition bull shit, not to mention every single meal time which will never be the same again. it's going to be awful for everyone that wants to eat a meal with people they know for a fact.

i will be the least affected, being at college most of the time. dad said that they are going to leave for summers, so that basically means i won't see them at all. this summer rocks/sucks all at once. i don't even know if my dad is leaving for good, and i don't know if i want him to leave or just don't care or don't want him to leave... not sure, nothing is for certain except uncertainty.

a bit worrying

that i do not have enough money. it's going to be tight until my first pay check, and i fucking hate that feeling. i wish it would go away... i hate the discomfort of having to borrow things. sure, it probably sucks to work at ihop for a night shift or whatever, but at least you have money to pay for things, and go out with friends and stuff. i had a job, but gave it up to go to college. college drains all money.

i have $30 in front of me, and tomorrow i have to pay for an oil change: there goes $20. with the last ten i need gas: news flash dad, that is not enough for a tank of gas. i really don't know what to say to my friends when they realize that i've been trying to organize a good indoor soccer team with NO money. i have good music taste, soccer skills, a decent set of friends that aren't really all that bad if you don't rely on them too much, a good computer, a very nice mouse, a roof , food and a bed, but NO money. funny how you can be that screwed with just one ingredient missing. i hate, absolutely hate people who bitch about it, but now i'm really starting to see why people do it; they need a way out, and now i'm in the same boat. it's a simple problem, but has no easy, quick fix solutions beyond traps such as loans or whatever. it's so annoying. you grow up a proper boy, right manners and all that good shit, and you end up poor. on the other hand, your rich frisco school mates that you know will never experience this in their lives are rude S.O.B.s that couldn't be nice when something bad happened if their lives depended on it.

also: why do we need girls? i just need more ladder games. that's all i need, really. tomorrow is going to be hella fun paying 8 dollars to get just enough gas to get me to the honda dealer and then have JUST enough to pay for a fucking oil change. awesome. between the teaser cash from my parents and the fact that they can rend my bank account for as much as they want and then not pay me back (on the grounds of "i can't right now.") is a great feeling to return to. i also need to confirm that i've been put into proper classes for next year, and i've also been given the chore of moving my stuff from college out of the garage. some of it is furniture; i don't know where to put it! quit being lazy and do it yourself, if you want it moved so bad.

people to hang out with this summer (that would be worth my time and MONEY):

-hailey
-kyle
-clinton
-paulina? not sure, that'd be great but not sure.

not too many more. unrelated: would like to increase my typing speed to day9 levels: i think the secret is just knowing what you're going to say next.

Charles Bukowski

is a genius. quotes from him:

"I've never been lonely. I've been in a room -- I've felt suicidal. I've been depressed. I've felt awful -- awful beyond all -- but I never felt that one other person could enter that room and cure what was bothering me...or that any number of people could enter that room. In other words, loneliness is something I've never been bothered with because I've always had this terrible itch for solitude. It's being at a party, or at a stadium full of people cheering for something, that I might feel loneliness. I'll quote Ibsen, "The strongest men are the most alone." I've never thought, "Well, some beautiful blonde will come in here and give me a fuck-job, rub my balls, and I'll feel good." No, that won't help. You know the typical crowd, "Wow, it's Friday night, what are you going to do? Just sit there?" Well, yeah. Because there's nothing out there. It's stupidity. Stupid people mingling with stupid people. Let them stupidify themselves. I've never been bothered with the need to rush out into the night. I hid in bars, because I didn't want to hide in factories. That's all. Sorry for all the millions, but I've never been lonely. I like myself. I'm the best form of entertainment I have. Let's drink more wine!"

"The shortest distance between two points is often unbearable."

"This is very important -- to take leisure time. Pace is the essence. Without stopping entirely and doing nothing at all for great periods, you're gonna lose everything...just to do nothing at all, very, very important. And how many people do this in modern society? Very few. That's why they're all totally mad, frustrated, angry and hateful."

"Great art is horseshit, buy tacos."


"I couldn't get myself to read the want ads. The thought of sitting in front of a man behind a desk and telling him that I wanted a job, that I was qualified for a job, was too much for me. Frankly, I was horrified by life, at what a man had to do simply in order to eat, sleep, and keep himself clothed. So I stayed in bed and drank. When you drank the world was still out there, but for the moment it didn't have you by the throat."

more to come

i feel

very unnecessarily complicated. when it comes time to pick classes, it's like the feeling of growing up really consumes me... i hate that feeling. can't we all just be kids forever and get by on minimum whatever, doing what we love?

no. of course not.

i don't know why, but i hate the thought of growing old and having to deal with the immense level of bullshit and life or death situations that inevitably await me.

i also hate the feeling that i'm falling into the stupid category... i'm settling for weaker classes. why? but then again, what do i gain from choosing bigger, tougher classes? will the employers even know the difference (unless they SPECIFICALLY went to UTD and took the OTHER class)? i don't think so, and that's what's making me choose the current path. it feels like shit to step down into the filth of the world... but what's the motivation for going to the next level?

CODBO is

fun :D i suck though. no problem. i have RTS skills. today was a good day, except for the terrible BM we exhibited after thrashing the rangers.

anyway, i need to RUN. i am getting fat, no lie. running begins tomorrow, but skips days i have soccer games. distance and shooting/touches/short sprints/ladders. xc and soccer :D time to get in shape for summer... not that i have any reason to do so. and yet going to do so. because it would make me proud to get some of my elusive drive back.

tomorrow will be shitty coffee at the dining hall after/before running. i am putting it in writing now that i will run in the AM tomorrow. not mainly in the AM, but at least tomorrow. :) after sleeping well, of course.

one week till hailey's back :D and then i can try to find a job. or maybe tomorrow i can do that while waiting for kyle to get back in and starcraft to start up in the afternoon/night time.

about 2 weeks left of school, then exams either included in those two weeks or just another week after. the end is in sight.. dead aim.

:)

here begins

another awful weekend at home. parents are going to be fighting, troy is going to want to stay at utd with me (while not awful, i do enjoy my alone time on the weekends) and again i will have to wonder if my dad's going to ditch the whole family after calling me selfish for the last time.... oh the irony.

anyway!! i have pretty much figured out that greek life (at least at UTD) is trash, every single last one of them. we got suckered out of 20$ last night to go to a lame roller rink where the girl who invited us didn't even hang out with us = = so no more of that i think.

lunch soon, car alignment soon, RAPING SOME NOOBS SOON. GET SOME. (marine quote :D)

also, sorry to those marines who i rammed into a planetary fortress last night. i sincerely apologize for throwing that 60 food lead away.

why is it so hard

to get motivated lately? i haven't been wanting to do anything but play video games. i need to kill the bulk i built up over my surgery period, and yet now that season's started i just don't have the energy or more importantly, the willpower that creates the energy?

suddenly, i'm just looking back hopelessly at balls that have gone past me instead of hunting them down with a former ferocity. i used to be the man who always went after the ball, but now i'm just another complaint on my dad's list of things my team could have done better.

less jitters also needed on the field. focus, and just dribble the guy. create something dangerous on your own. destroy them without them knowing. single pass or touch to cut through the mire and save the day. save the game from boredom and attrition.

going to need motivation to better myself in the summer, that's for sure. maybe going back out for the team is a good thing, idk yet. i need something for the fall and spring after this year.

forza united.

a realization

so here i am, dying in everyone's phone books on their cell phones, a stupid b-lister to be forgotten. everybody else has their mainstream stuff to be done, while i just don't feel like joining the idiots.

this is the beginning of the ending season to my life. after this season there may not be much more for me to live for, because the number and level of cohesion of the good people left here in my part of the world are dwindling beyond reason.

yes, people grow up and do bigger and better things than soccer at a rec level, but i am not a riser and do not give a flying rat's ass about what is gained or lost on a material level. it's about proving who you are through what you do, and some people just do not get it. i feel people are so misdirected these days, letting egos and their own self-importance take number one priority over everything else, even when they're having fun with other people.

on the other hand and yet closely related, are the people who just don't care for that shit and put everyone else first: kyle. today while we were playing soccer, some kid didn't bring water (he was cocky and self-important) and i felt pretty vengeful. didn't feel like giving him part of my only gatorade. kyle did. idk why. such a nice guy, even puts up with basel's shit. not sure why. maybe revenge and righteous runs in my veins, but forgiveness and a bigger picture run in his. no idea. wish i knew, but there need to be more people like us.

seriously, no kidding around, there are already wars and stupid fights and wastes of good resources because people just HAVE to be the best. that's fine in a harmless environment like a game. but over gas and just seeming cool and having people accept you? you're trash, but unfortunately, you make up the majority, so that means you're allowed to continue ruling.

i don't think this will stop, but if it ever does, humanity will have to realize it and just give it all up on it's own. joyful thoughts of oblivion.

rain

I lay in my bed
afraid to look where you would be
my hand reaches out to accept yours
and i hear the rain outside.

I turn
and acknowledge your space on the bed
at the same time looking to the window
for the rain.

Suddenly it stops.

I respectfully step over you
and go check it out.

The sprinklers have halted their charade.

I climb back into bed and lay carelessly across it.

so i come to realize:

my parents are part of the masses. today, after a stupid guilt trip nearly causing me to leave the house and go back to my apartment, i come downstairs to see my parents watching reality TV.i can't believe it. i really thought i came from a better set of intellectuals than this. they probably bandwagon voted for obama too.

i initially thought they did it on some upper class logic that i wouldn't understand, but now that "logic" is under suspicion after i see my mom start to get teary over some guy donating money to "worthy" souls. seriously, the show was called "secret millionaire" and it was a guy who met people and donated 40K or something depending on if these good people were worth it or not.... it was almost as if he decided to play god or something.

the second show was "undercover boss," where a boss would go and inspect his or her workers, and decide whether they were worthy or not for promotions and stuff. the show really displayed discrepancies about the approaches people took to get to their means.



________________


yeah, i'm less pissed now. i want to play some starcraft :D i've been watching streams for a couple hours (i think?) and no terran games between ROOT and EG :/ so i'll have to play some of my own. chao

ONE DAY.

one day i'll find that girl. i don't pretend to know what she looks like but it's there; the concept of who she is. maybe i already know her, maybe she doesn't exist except for in bits of different people. maybe i'm chasing a ghost but i guess... the bottom line is i'm still chasing. glgl to me.

also: today has been a great day! played with pajela, trashed the same noob toss twice in a row on the ladder, and got a lot of stuff done like extra papers and extra credit stuff. got some good midterm grades, need to check for math and hope it's not horrible.

need to download more music and give kyle his birthday present.. i think it's still in the car??? idk, i'll check in a second. hailey's gone until may ish? maybe she can see us wreck in the playoffs. i wish she could see the game with me against ben but probably not.... hope kyle comes to watch :D i need to run today, maybe i'll do it later.

(yep, i have transitioned back into using this as a thought board.)

can't wait for walmart tonight!! hope kyle can go... clinton cannot wait any longer for food haha xD and also i hate not having snacks around here :P lol

alright, ttyl.... blog, and whoever reads this shit. probably no one :P

glad to be embarrassed

today my body temperature soared to sweating temperatures in my hoodie as i asked a stupid question in math class. i'm glad that i still have the ability to be embarrassed as i do something badly in the educational world. i need to keep pushing. dead aim. :)

this challenge

is freaking tough.

i have to keep a scholarship. the problem with that is the discrepancy in class difficulty, and the disproportionate amount of seemingly random free time i have at my disposal. getting good grades isn't easy when you don't exactly have a super set schedule. also; the english teacher is super stupid, just like the last one. we need the next byroad or bentley teaching in college, we don't need some dumb homeless fat lady they picked up off of the street.

i need to meet with brian vaughn soon (academic advisor) to check in. i hope he has some good news for me.

this is the only source of my stress, and is quite unfair to be honest. i'm doing everything right (to the best of my ability) and it still isn't enough.

break ups.. :)

"There are always winners and losers in games. But there are no winners in breakups. Mutually letting go of their hands, each side giving up on each other, perhaps that is why both become losers." --- Lim Yo Wan :D

gogo terran.

it seems as though

the teacher is just as much to blame for the success of a student as the student is. without direction, there is no progress.

in unrelated news, i think if they had a guys section of victoria's secret, it would definitely sell a lot. :P

that is all.

just a regular

rockin' entry tonight on this lovely snow day, the first of two that create a midweek weekend for north texas.

just eleven days till i turn ugly for a year. what a weird number, 19. like i always say; 18 is cool. 20 is cool. 21 = awesome. but 19... just awkward. it's a huge PRIME number. gross. i have no idea what anybody could possibly getting me, but i hope it's awesome and something i never thought of... that would definitely be a change.

i want a motorcycle. it would be so fun to not have to fight traffic and also be able to slip between lanes, telling the cop that it's legal in thailand. (it's true, you can do that in thailand.) my dad says it will drastically shorten my life span, but that's kinda what i was aiming for. i don't really want to be a guru. if i die tragically, that wouldn't be so bad. but in between (break a leg, paralyzed) doesn't cut it. all or nothing. all-in or expand. end it or keep going just as strong.

one more thing before i begin laddering: i really want to know more about that elusive group of people who have no proper name. these people own everything around them, they're nicknamed "it" people, or maybe are called "charismatic." how do i find that quality?

something is wrong

i just blogged and i'm back for more. second entry within 30 minutes or less. probably less.

idk what the hell i'm even going to write about: there's probably nothing left of BRILLIANCE at 12:32AM on a monday. i have a weird feeling like life is out to get me, and i just need to slip once to get killed. not killed in a death sense, but a lose-everything-and-everyone sense.

maybe that slip is me just raging at the world and say all of you are retarded for making my life harder than it needs to be.

once i divined that the strongest are the ones that can hold it in the best and the longest. you know, all the frustration and hatred for everyone. is it just me, or does everyone out there hate everyone else secretly too? idk.

i need to get the hell off. good night richardson. good night battle.net.

a jumble

i want to say something about my life, but i don't think i have anything much to say right now. maybe it will come out of me as i type this.

i see lots of people in my life, and all of their respective.... aspects of personality, i think is what i want to say. i'd like to say that i'm a better person now than i was, but i'm not sure. i'm trying to be the best i can be. sounds gay, and probably no word i can say now will change that. on the other hand, i guess i'm not trying to defend that either though.

back to the people around me: i've found someone who is so similar to me, and has found so many of the same interests as me. she lives in a completely different world however, so idk if a connection would ever be established. she has a lot to learn about awkwardness :D if she learns though, awkwardness isn't EVER a problem, because you know what causes it and can kill it pretty much whenever.

back to me being gay (jk, me being a better person): people do stupid shit. i guess what i'm trying to say here is that i'm trying to be more patient after people fuck up so hard that it affects other people around them.





another thing i feel is that i'm just blogging to be blogging...i've nothing else to do but let this storm brew and hope it kills tomorrow's math class. i hate math now: it's so difficult to understand, and i won't get anything out of it really. hopefully i can just PASS it; i've had 2 60%s on quizzes already, and those are the only two quizzes we've had so far this year. ugh. i USED to be a beast at this stuff.

i also just realized how much stuff i had on my ipod... music is amazing :) need new stuff though, and need to redownload itunes.

strangely i think joining a fraternity is the next step if i want to experience what my mystery person is experiencing. idk who to join or who will betray me (probably all of them, or they'll all be fleeting friendships or whatever) but i need to see and take that risk. i think. but doing and saying are two very different things.

as i write this,

i wonder if you are the same as the rest, just another glorified, older shelly with different coloured hair. what makes you so different from the rest? you still avoid just like everybody else, and deny existence just like everybody else.

yes, you can follow my wit/jokes, but for how long? how do i know this is worth pursuing?

so far, i've seen the same in my own past, and that makes me so suspicious. i hate being a killjoy, but everyone knows why i am apprehensive.

stupidity and immaturity

do not net you rewards, priorities, or special privileges. please know that. yes, this is directed at you.

the next step:

after your expo, what is YOUR MIDGAME PLAN!?!?

this involves taking your third base, "starving your opponent out", or in general just denying my opponent something.

i believe the idea is to set a goal, and THEN identify a means or way to get there. one can say: "I'm going to win this game by doing: X."

right now, contrary to my recent belief that TvZ is my strong point, it seems to be my weakest. now, however, without mines from vultures like in SC1, tanks seem to be the only way to survive against mass zergling/baneling in the midgame/early game. siege mode seems to be a requisite in order to do anything beyond one base. mass air? a la TLO? as in cloaked banshee into a few turrets for when they get mutas, and then get vikings with your already built starport? thors seem too immobile and i believe they would actually give zerg the advantage to expand and have map control.

things i would like to work on:

--SCOUTING. i never feel like i know what route zerg (or any opponent, really) is doing until i have seen it KILL me.
--getting map control. i understand the faster army is allowed to move around the map, but is there a way i can impose map control on zerg? cloaked banshees seem like they would buy me time to get SIEGE MODE T_T up.... i prefer having something else. terran is defensively strong... maybe a planetary fortress as a first expo would help me establish a quick expo on maps like xelnaga caverns?

i guess the bottom line is that i have to try it. seems very... nooby but maybe it would work. banelings would have no chance. zerglings would receive splash, and marines can clean up mutalisks. hm.