i keep coming back here like something will change...

i think something i don't quite understand, is that the longer i wait to do something, nothing about that thing changes except how UNPREPARED i will be to do it. there isn't really even a reason behind this blog post, except to maybe highlight the nervousness i still get around the chance of failure. i can't imagine what will happen to me if i lose my scholarship, but it's always on my mind when i'm at school, and especially gets bad when it comes near test time or getting a test back with the grade on it. i MUST succeed, and the drive and the fall don't scare me, but it's more about the stupid people i'll be associated with after failing. people will be forever confused about how smart i actually am, being able to instantly solve people's problems and critically thinking myself out of potentially dangerous/unadvantageous situations. i'll be forever put with the potheads and the people without the willpower to change their own bodies or achieve things that they really desire, let alone the things that they don't desire so much. it's gross to think that's where i'll lie, so unfairly so, with the people who will never be properly examined by the office uppers who "don't have time." i wish i could fix the system, but just the existence of people that won't try to even change their beliefs are the ones that kill the spirit of being good. this is kind of why i'm partial to just be totally cool with just chilling in an apartment somewhere playing starcraft and NOT GIVING HALF A SHIT of what others think about me. i'll still dress with class, and do my laundry and stuff, but a super high paying job that requires kissing the ass of fake people everywhere? no thanks. is there a career doesn't require dealing with a lot of sucking up? i got it. a starcraft player.