choices

miserable for a whole year and happy for one moment or happy for the year and miserable in one moment? the latter, unfortunately, is how champions are made. they live for that one moment. the ironic thing is, the ones that are made fun of in society are usually secret champions. they study(practice) their asses off, only for that one moment that says "yes, you have done it, you have succeeded on a level far greater than anyone else." but on a day to day basis, they are not happy. they drudge away at things that are repetitive and boring, not giving any time for themselves, dedicating themselves solely to the task at hand. a champion's mindset. but is it worth it? people will tell you "do what you want." i'm trying to do that. i hate slaving away at something that i know won't help later. and yet, it's going to hurt me in a big way. is that why people tell you to look at the stars and dream big, so they can take all the money that people like dreamers drop on the ground while staring skyward? i'm not sure where to go, what to do, and for me, even though the tests aren't done, finals pressure isn't off. i feel like a failure just letting get this close and not being able to pull it out of this danger zone. i feel terrible and my parents hate me for it. (they don't HATE me, but i can feel the disapproval like no other. the worst feeling in the world.) i don't know what i will do if the negative outcome surfaces. i don't want to make a plan for it. but i might have to. i just can't stand the thought of it, and it might become reality. i am scared, and that's an understatement. i might live a horrid life just because of these... "people." my mindset is also so imperfect. even though i know the concepts they are teaching me are worthless, i refuse to do really understand them because of that, not even realizing (to some degree obviously) that they will affect me in a big way, at least the numbers they assign to me. i think that beyond the fire, my life has been a failure so far.