i can hear myself singing

as if i were another (third) person, watching the whole thing from the side or above or whatever. the scary stuff is that i don't even feel or see the emotions that i'm watching myself express. i know they are there, but they don't feel right or real. i cannot WAIT till the day i can just be myself again. maybe i'll have to wait till the sky stops falling. and guess who's fault that is? probably mine. i suck at starcraft. i don't know what my problem is. my decision making sucks ass or something. not really sure. shouldn't have let the drop unfold today in CSL. should have drew the army, and had MY real army in position to kill all his probes and 3rd nexus. quit losing to colossus. no korean does, neither should i. just make some vikings, don't throw away stupid supply. school tomorrow is going to be full of boring stuff, as usual. guess i better get into the american zombie mindset. go to work/school, do your homework, eat something unhealthy, go to bed, do not have fun. do not pass go. do not collect $20. yes, $20. until the next time i really realize that my life sucks, it's been real.

bose forgot something

clinton's voice clearly has not been tested against the sound insulation of their products. nothing is louder than this kid. i don't know how i'm going to sleep, play starcraft, listen to music, or just simply disappear for a while. holy hell.

it seems i only come here when things go wrong

now is no different. i'm lost without you. that's it. the truth is that you're actually no different than anyone else, and actually just the final warning i needed to know that there are actually no good people in the world. thanks for that. enjoy being the person i made you, and hope i never leave the back of your memory. bye.

choices

miserable for a whole year and happy for one moment or happy for the year and miserable in one moment? the latter, unfortunately, is how champions are made. they live for that one moment. the ironic thing is, the ones that are made fun of in society are usually secret champions. they study(practice) their asses off, only for that one moment that says "yes, you have done it, you have succeeded on a level far greater than anyone else." but on a day to day basis, they are not happy. they drudge away at things that are repetitive and boring, not giving any time for themselves, dedicating themselves solely to the task at hand. a champion's mindset. but is it worth it? people will tell you "do what you want." i'm trying to do that. i hate slaving away at something that i know won't help later. and yet, it's going to hurt me in a big way. is that why people tell you to look at the stars and dream big, so they can take all the money that people like dreamers drop on the ground while staring skyward? i'm not sure where to go, what to do, and for me, even though the tests aren't done, finals pressure isn't off. i feel like a failure just letting get this close and not being able to pull it out of this danger zone. i feel terrible and my parents hate me for it. (they don't HATE me, but i can feel the disapproval like no other. the worst feeling in the world.) i don't know what i will do if the negative outcome surfaces. i don't want to make a plan for it. but i might have to. i just can't stand the thought of it, and it might become reality. i am scared, and that's an understatement. i might live a horrid life just because of these... "people." my mindset is also so imperfect. even though i know the concepts they are teaching me are worthless, i refuse to do really understand them because of that, not even realizing (to some degree obviously) that they will affect me in a big way, at least the numbers they assign to me. i think that beyond the fire, my life has been a failure so far.

i just hope it's enough.

it's one thing to act tough and say that i'm going to shrug it off if i end up keeping the scholarship. it's completely another to not know the test grade and wonder if i'm across the line or just short of it. i hate having to wonder like this, but it's just that my life completely changes from this point on if i don't make it. crossed fingers.

i keep coming back here like something will change...

i think something i don't quite understand, is that the longer i wait to do something, nothing about that thing changes except how UNPREPARED i will be to do it. there isn't really even a reason behind this blog post, except to maybe highlight the nervousness i still get around the chance of failure. i can't imagine what will happen to me if i lose my scholarship, but it's always on my mind when i'm at school, and especially gets bad when it comes near test time or getting a test back with the grade on it. i MUST succeed, and the drive and the fall don't scare me, but it's more about the stupid people i'll be associated with after failing. people will be forever confused about how smart i actually am, being able to instantly solve people's problems and critically thinking myself out of potentially dangerous/unadvantageous situations. i'll be forever put with the potheads and the people without the willpower to change their own bodies or achieve things that they really desire, let alone the things that they don't desire so much. it's gross to think that's where i'll lie, so unfairly so, with the people who will never be properly examined by the office uppers who "don't have time." i wish i could fix the system, but just the existence of people that won't try to even change their beliefs are the ones that kill the spirit of being good. this is kind of why i'm partial to just be totally cool with just chilling in an apartment somewhere playing starcraft and NOT GIVING HALF A SHIT of what others think about me. i'll still dress with class, and do my laundry and stuff, but a super high paying job that requires kissing the ass of fake people everywhere? no thanks. is there a career doesn't require dealing with a lot of sucking up? i got it. a starcraft player.

i don't know why

i came here to unleash my thoughts into a safe place, as this isn't really safe, but i guess it's true that i can say whatever i want here. i don't know how to describe how i'm feeling about school and starcraft and not having an entire life plan like mr. cone showed us how to create in 12th grade. i can't believe the people of the administration would also rather just push away responsibility to the students and not enforce their own policy about keeping records of the students grades. the word stupid keeps coming up, so i'm going to type it out of my hands: stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid. there. phew. anyway, the people there are strangely... invisible. i think they might not be fully human. the way the woman looked at me when she took my appeal... was creepy, to say the least. at least i will pass anyway and give them the middle finger as they tell me "i told you so, just try harder, it isn't our job to fix things, it's all on the student who has to pay all the fines and tuition just to be competitive in the job market even though you don't actually learn any new skills in college." negativity gone. (yeah, right.) hmm... i don't know why i thought this would help, but it didn't even help. things aren't worse in my head, but they aren't fixed. i wonder what it will take. at least i have the outlet.