choices

miserable for a whole year and happy for one moment or happy for the year and miserable in one moment? the latter, unfortunately, is how champions are made. they live for that one moment. the ironic thing is, the ones that are made fun of in society are usually secret champions. they study(practice) their asses off, only for that one moment that says "yes, you have done it, you have succeeded on a level far greater than anyone else." but on a day to day basis, they are not happy. they drudge away at things that are repetitive and boring, not giving any time for themselves, dedicating themselves solely to the task at hand. a champion's mindset. but is it worth it? people will tell you "do what you want." i'm trying to do that. i hate slaving away at something that i know won't help later. and yet, it's going to hurt me in a big way. is that why people tell you to look at the stars and dream big, so they can take all the money that people like dreamers drop on the ground while staring skyward? i'm not sure where to go, what to do, and for me, even though the tests aren't done, finals pressure isn't off. i feel like a failure just letting get this close and not being able to pull it out of this danger zone. i feel terrible and my parents hate me for it. (they don't HATE me, but i can feel the disapproval like no other. the worst feeling in the world.) i don't know what i will do if the negative outcome surfaces. i don't want to make a plan for it. but i might have to. i just can't stand the thought of it, and it might become reality. i am scared, and that's an understatement. i might live a horrid life just because of these... "people." my mindset is also so imperfect. even though i know the concepts they are teaching me are worthless, i refuse to do really understand them because of that, not even realizing (to some degree obviously) that they will affect me in a big way, at least the numbers they assign to me. i think that beyond the fire, my life has been a failure so far.

i just hope it's enough.

it's one thing to act tough and say that i'm going to shrug it off if i end up keeping the scholarship. it's completely another to not know the test grade and wonder if i'm across the line or just short of it. i hate having to wonder like this, but it's just that my life completely changes from this point on if i don't make it. crossed fingers.

i keep coming back here like something will change...

i think something i don't quite understand, is that the longer i wait to do something, nothing about that thing changes except how UNPREPARED i will be to do it. there isn't really even a reason behind this blog post, except to maybe highlight the nervousness i still get around the chance of failure. i can't imagine what will happen to me if i lose my scholarship, but it's always on my mind when i'm at school, and especially gets bad when it comes near test time or getting a test back with the grade on it. i MUST succeed, and the drive and the fall don't scare me, but it's more about the stupid people i'll be associated with after failing. people will be forever confused about how smart i actually am, being able to instantly solve people's problems and critically thinking myself out of potentially dangerous/unadvantageous situations. i'll be forever put with the potheads and the people without the willpower to change their own bodies or achieve things that they really desire, let alone the things that they don't desire so much. it's gross to think that's where i'll lie, so unfairly so, with the people who will never be properly examined by the office uppers who "don't have time." i wish i could fix the system, but just the existence of people that won't try to even change their beliefs are the ones that kill the spirit of being good. this is kind of why i'm partial to just be totally cool with just chilling in an apartment somewhere playing starcraft and NOT GIVING HALF A SHIT of what others think about me. i'll still dress with class, and do my laundry and stuff, but a super high paying job that requires kissing the ass of fake people everywhere? no thanks. is there a career doesn't require dealing with a lot of sucking up? i got it. a starcraft player.

i don't know why

i came here to unleash my thoughts into a safe place, as this isn't really safe, but i guess it's true that i can say whatever i want here. i don't know how to describe how i'm feeling about school and starcraft and not having an entire life plan like mr. cone showed us how to create in 12th grade. i can't believe the people of the administration would also rather just push away responsibility to the students and not enforce their own policy about keeping records of the students grades. the word stupid keeps coming up, so i'm going to type it out of my hands: stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid. there. phew. anyway, the people there are strangely... invisible. i think they might not be fully human. the way the woman looked at me when she took my appeal... was creepy, to say the least. at least i will pass anyway and give them the middle finger as they tell me "i told you so, just try harder, it isn't our job to fix things, it's all on the student who has to pay all the fines and tuition just to be competitive in the job market even though you don't actually learn any new skills in college." negativity gone. (yeah, right.) hmm... i don't know why i thought this would help, but it didn't even help. things aren't worse in my head, but they aren't fixed. i wonder what it will take. at least i have the outlet.

BJH

i really miss smashing people with you, man. a shame you'll never see this. we had so much fun together, and maybe it's a lie, but facebook makes you look like you have never smiled more in your life. i hope everything goes well for you. pitiful that things didn't work out the way they could have, we could have caused so much trouble together. you taught me so much that i'll never forget, and just looking at my news feed from time to time i'm still learning more from you. i don't know why it's now that all this is hitting me, but i think it just goes to show that you never know who you're next to (and how many percent AMAZING they are) until they're long gone and beyond your ability to experience it again. i wish we could have destroyed everybody this past weekend at the intermural soccer tournament. i hit this sweet equalizer that you would have been proud of me for. although you probably would have been rather bored with the no slide tackling rule ;), it would have still been the best feeling in the world. i still consider you my older brother. BJH

Make so much sense from a man with more class than was given to him. Really proves you can earn just about anything, as long as you remember the same amount of effort and determination doesn't work for everything. Belief is the most powerful weapon. --- Jose Mourinho

paradigm shifter

"You can't emphasize enough how much you need to be a paradigm shifter." --- SaviOr. I think this is absolutely true. You can never see the other side without seeing it through somebody else or experiencing it yourself, and that information is beyond valuable. I will have the last laugh in the grownup world, and my willpower is something to be feared. I'll do it in style, and make it look easy. Then I'll come back and have my laugh. Until then, I've got to take dead aim at what I need to accomplish: having a perfect GPA, or as close as I can get it. After I repay my parents, start creating my perfect little hideaway away from everyone, where I live a classy but quiet life. I don't want anything but me and things to think about, I may even skip on having somebody to share it with, but that's down the road and I can comfortably wait to make that decision. Since there is no real accomplishment in life, I will make my own. They will be completely defined by me, and I will be the final judge of my character, with no exceptions. I still wonder what good an Audi R8 is without friends?