I was just thinking about music

and realized I wasn't recording my thoughts! Why not? :) Music can sound good or bad depending on the day that you're listening to it; average music, that is. Good songs, I think, sound good forever, regardless of when you're listening, or at least fit into a lot more days than average stuff does. I'm writing this as I: 1) delay homework :D 2) choose to play halo or SC2 3) fix my music on my phone, which inspired the first paragraph above. I really think that music is not something that can be rushed. Putting everything you know NEEDS to be in there cannot be done all at one time. So this is where I stop for today :D

21st

I hear my dad's voice saying, "Use technology. Don't let it use you." (against homework) Psy - Father All the other kids and their failures/BMs/things that set them back (EXPAND HERE)

today's endeavors :D

today: -found out the power of streaming and a little more about the opponent who defeated me at MLG Dallas (QxGTheognis) -skipped class to take notes at home over said skipped class.. i think it was worth it -smiled a ton and it paid off -started catching up with the homework that started piling up from MLG Dallas -might be able to have kyle play in CSL -did the equivalent of flash's proxy 2 rax on game 7 in real life :D AND I WON -became a champion at the local indoor soccer place... ezpzlmonsqze WOAH :D time for bed and a certain text tomorrow! GLHF

lessons i learned today:

1. prepare for the unexpected. that way, you just expected it, and you'll be golden. 2. to win, you might have to deceive yourself in some way. this can be some motivational music, talking to someone inspirational, watching someone inspirational, or seeing something differently. 3. you are going to MELTDOWN if you keep deceiving yourself. you MUST reload/recharge your mental abilities. trying to keep going on leads to sudden explosions of emotion, something that really cool people never seem to have. (bet you didn't notice that before now :D) 4. just win. it's that simple. find the best way out of the terrible, ugly, downward spiraling, awkward situation you're in, and follow your judgement to the ends of the earth. knowing that you're on the path to the exit should be enough to convince yourself to do whatever you were previously unwilling to do and get out of that bad place in the best shape possible. 5. never lose your cool. this is kind of a combination of the previous four points, but it bears "repeating," because it's so easy to get caught up in the moment. nothing gives a massive advantage like keeping your cool. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i'm tired. i've been running all week (first continuous week in probably........ 2.5 years? that's not good man) and i'm actually going for 2 weeks straight! i might give it a rest day, but i'm not sure. tomorrow is the first indoor game, so i get to use that for running. don't know if i like that or not. going to bed, good night, world who doesn't know i exist yet

Stolen from Liquid'Nony

There is no point to life. If you ask someone "why?", over and over, until the only thing left to explain is the common reason for doing anything at all, for living, for being happy, you will be met with irrationality. No one has ever given a good reason. Motivations get reduced to feelings, not reasons. All of our reasoning begins with premises of (1) feeling a will to survive and (2) feeling a desire to be happy. Rational justification for every act begins with "Assuming you want to live and be happy..." Depression, in my experience, is the diminishment of these feelings. When you do something that should make you happy by all reasonable measures, you aren't happy. When you do something that should make you sad, you don't feel any worse. When you do nothing, you don't feel any different. A lack of those fundamental feelings is to blame. There is no way to think yourself out of it because the solution is irrational. They are feelings that healthy humans have, nothing more than that. Willpower is your only tool here. You can irrationally will yourself to seek solutions. You can practice clever ways to coax those feelings back into existence. You can take medicine to promote those feelings. In any case those feelings will probably return, as depression is typically episodic, and you can start being happy again by doing what's good and doing what's right and being successful. But the better you do the harder you'll fall when those feelings subside again and you're given another lesson about how all that "good" shit you did doesn't matter. One night when your happiness is in full swing, it'll just hit you. You wonder why you did any of it. And no matter what you do or think, your happiness is gone. Habits may carry you a while, but all motivation has vanished. You won't feel like pursuing your own happiness, but you'll feel a lot of other shit that's not so pleasant. You'll pretend nothing has changed, but it's just an act. You'll stretch your willpower to cover the void. If it's enough to bridge the gap, then congratulations on being functioning. If not, then welcome to the club.

just a blog to get thoughts straight.

what homework do i have this weekend/going forward? OB: read a chapter? IF: get started on my eSports paper! 15 pages gogo Sports: read a chapter ACCT: remember to wring the professors neck for screwing me out of points, read a chapter? MIS: online homework on WileyPlus <<- seriously a joke site OK. so i have homework, when i thought i didn't. let's do it. ........... tomorrow

Another whimsy blog

did i just use a capital letter?! unheard of :D current stuff: i just talked for about 3.5-4 hours with a guy who has EIGHT master degrees and has a current business idea that is pitching to investors for 225 MILLION. yeah. there are no typos in the last sentence. he basically told me about how his career went and we talked about everything from how google stores their information to video games and microtransactions inside them! it was insane. i'm going to try and remember everything he said, but it's going to be impossible. oh well :> -get one hard skill and one soft skill. -the hard skill will get you a job for the first 10 years (does this match up with what i see? i don't know) and the soft skill is what gets you promotions. - you don't have to be anyone important to share your ideas with anyone. if you're an intern, go for it. if you don't have the "right degree," go for it. if you think it will fail, think about it a second time lol. -it's a grind. patience pays off. also: related picture to the one person who follows my blog:

:D

on a whim

i'm writing this blog :D i felt it necessary to document my mentality changes. i don't think that it's just how you react to the world, but you can change the world just by how you react to it. it's basically a two way street. one day i want to be the guy that seems invincible, because he isn't. it doesn't make sense unless you can see directly into my head. right now i'm questioning myself about the level of bullshit in the last paragraph. self one is talking. i really want to just trust self two. on top of this, IRL: i want to start a starcraft stream! i think it'd be really fun if i could get a decent viewer count going. i'd love to use it to bring people together in order to enjoy starcraft more. it needs more COMMUNITY like BW. speaking of that, i've been playing LoL more and more and i'm beginning to like it. learning to play passively is a really hard thing, but i'm starting to make less and less dumb mistakes. still want to be SC grandmaster. going to play some games. hopefully i can post more frequently, and maybe soon you'll see Reikai's stream :D "glgl my stream" -- M/Dragon

frustrated

still can't believe i used a twitter POUND SIGN in my last post. looking back it's definitely a facepalm moment. however, i'm wondering if there's really any point to writing all of my feelings out like this. currently i'm FRUSTRATED at a certain person because of how unclear she's being, mainly because i don't know what direction she has in mind, or if she has any at all. -become busy on my day off but don't tell me what you were doing until you--> -pick up earrings from the first day and don't say if you really want to hang out again or not -not text back half of the time -play "hard to get" (<--- that is bullshit) going to work out and hope all of this sorts itself out; usually does, one way or another. LGIMMvp so gosu :D

another sickening day

of people telling me that they like what i'm doing, and that i should keep it up. i want to do nothing of the sort, and start doing what I want to do. i absolutely hate wasting my time for 13 cents a minute and dragging my youth on in circles, wasting it doing what is THOUGHT to be right. i have absolute respect for LastShadow, who is YOUNGER than i am and has made it full time in a pro house in korea. i think i would definitely miss people here, but..... i'd be able to do what i want. that's so important. i want to live, i don't want to be "accepted" or thought of as "correct." if that happens, cool, but that isn't my goal. i want to be happy and i can't do that wasting time. YOLO is actually appropriate here. wow. going to definitely ask for the number of the next girl that strikes me as interesting/beautiful/funny. k, going to bed to obediently and willing waste 8 hours of my life tomorrow. #LivingTheAmericanDream

i have nothing left

no friends to confide in, nothing secretive to keep from the world, no stick to measure my (insignificant?) progress. i am alone in a world which is unfamiliar and foreign and scary. i don't know where to go or what to do, and the life support is in short supply. it's so frightening to see everything change around me, and have nothing to go on, no guide to follow. this is the territory where Josh Waitzkin thrives. i wonder if i can do it too. maybe this will be my final test, to see if i can change with the times. beyond that, nothing will matter, because i can adapt to it. kind of a... final exam. too bad it's lifelong. no rest σ_σ

i don't think i should focus on anything but starcraft

and of course getting a job for the summer. other than that, when i get my new computer i should reach the top of the ladder through unrelenting search for knowledge :D never again will i ever assume (yeah, right) that anyone is any different or better. pretty much, everybody is all the same in their own "unique" way. there is no such thing as perfect, just the one that you settle for. it's disgusting, but it's also the truth about people. better get used to it, just like everything else in this shitty life.

trying to find myself again

this is scary. i'm trying to find something that i've never found or even seen but i'm still looking! i don't really have a goal but i'm ok, because i have people. is it wrong that i'm doing something about PEOPLE and looking for a new way to exist around the people that could reinvent me? break is going to be hell. i can only half imagine her face and i REALLY want to know what else is in her head. i hate more than anything, anything in the world, to not be able to remember a face, especially one i don't want to forget. time to strain my mental capacity in trying to remember -_-

have i ever done this?

waited and waited for a text like this? i think maybe once or twice, but it's been so long since then. 2 minutes in person and i'm trapped. i don't get it. it really does make absolutely zero sense. hope everything goes according to this pseudoplan and i can grab a win :)

are there any words?

are there any words for such a story? this person will never know what goes on here. but seriously. is there anything to be said for the infinitely small focus on which this person dwells? short story retold even shorter: person receives two pieces of cake instead of one. why is this one happy? because of the receipt of two pieces of cake. did he share them with anyone? did he change someone else's day? did he affect the world in any way beyond making himself less healthy and getting happyness out of someone else's unhappyness? "today was a good day." a better quote: "seduce my mind and you can have my body; find my soul and i'm yours forever."

i can hear myself singing

as if i were another (third) person, watching the whole thing from the side or above or whatever. the scary stuff is that i don't even feel or see the emotions that i'm watching myself express. i know they are there, but they don't feel right or real. i cannot WAIT till the day i can just be myself again. maybe i'll have to wait till the sky stops falling. and guess who's fault that is? probably mine. i suck at starcraft. i don't know what my problem is. my decision making sucks ass or something. not really sure. shouldn't have let the drop unfold today in CSL. should have drew the army, and had MY real army in position to kill all his probes and 3rd nexus. quit losing to colossus. no korean does, neither should i. just make some vikings, don't throw away stupid supply. school tomorrow is going to be full of boring stuff, as usual. guess i better get into the american zombie mindset. go to work/school, do your homework, eat something unhealthy, go to bed, do not have fun. do not pass go. do not collect $20. yes, $20. until the next time i really realize that my life sucks, it's been real.

bose forgot something

clinton's voice clearly has not been tested against the sound insulation of their products. nothing is louder than this kid. i don't know how i'm going to sleep, play starcraft, listen to music, or just simply disappear for a while. holy hell.

it seems i only come here when things go wrong

now is no different. i'm lost without you. that's it. the truth is that you're actually no different than anyone else, and actually just the final warning i needed to know that there are actually no good people in the world. thanks for that. enjoy being the person i made you, and hope i never leave the back of your memory. bye.