and yet i don't have them. another missed chance? THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is the serious nature of my patience. they don't exist. give it, what, 3 days? and i go absolutely nuts.
i should just go enjoy the weather.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
contradictions keep the world beautiful.
people are generally hypocrites; there's no way around it. each person definitely does not treat each person the same, including respect, conversation, and even level of decency. the boyfriends does not treat his friends the same as he treats his girlfriend. this is because of physical differences, i do not believe many of the masses are too DIFFERENT from one another mentally.
people get treated according to three things: actions, appearance, and treatment of others.
the only way to really eliminate hypocrites is to eliminate physical differences, as seen in "Brave New World" or such other books. obviously that wouldn't be worth it.
and so unfortunately, we must continue on, swimming in our own hypocrisy. *SIGH*
people get treated according to three things: actions, appearance, and treatment of others.
the only way to really eliminate hypocrites is to eliminate physical differences, as seen in "Brave New World" or such other books. obviously that wouldn't be worth it.
and so unfortunately, we must continue on, swimming in our own hypocrisy. *SIGH*
Thursday, September 23, 2010
false alarm?
we'll see. in other news, i have:
-a 4 page paper to finish
-a speech to give monday in which i have not practiced at all
-probably some C programming homework
-a lab report to write on engineering, which i hate and the labs are annoying as anything.
-math online homework.
and not a whole lot to keep me going. better be worth it. also, roommate X is imposing like he owns me... couldn't really stand up to him today in his situation though. i hate being ordered around more than anything.
*subject change* hope my behavior last night didn't ruin everything, but it sure looks like it did.
-a 4 page paper to finish
-a speech to give monday in which i have not practiced at all
-probably some C programming homework
-a lab report to write on engineering, which i hate and the labs are annoying as anything.
-math online homework.
and not a whole lot to keep me going. better be worth it. also, roommate X is imposing like he owns me... couldn't really stand up to him today in his situation though. i hate being ordered around more than anything.
*subject change* hope my behavior last night didn't ruin everything, but it sure looks like it did.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
the people aren't here.
the ones i'm looking for aren't present. there's nothing around me i want that isn't embedded in the past. "i am" has changed into "i was" and now i can grow up unimpeded by my childish desires, which have been stripped powerless.
time to waste away.
time to waste away.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
what is truly the higher action?
is it better to simply forgive and forget, or punish somebody while you have the chance and make things right?
depends on your religion, probably.
depends on your religion, probably.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
should i explain myself?
should i have to? to take my own life, what are the rules? actually, to hell with that, there are no rules. after that point, game over, no more ass covering, trying to be social, trying hard to get to the damn next level, no more stupid people, no annoying kids, no rejections, no awkwardness, no bed bugs, no ridiculous theories, no bigots, no christians, no waiting to enjoy things...
just silence. nothing else to worry you.
why should i stay alive? i am not happy, no real local friends to speak of. technically, everything is "going my way," but that's all. none of it is mine to enjoy. i am physically not able to enjoy life because of the riser's mentality, which, if unassumed, destines/label one as a failure anyway. (this is a destined waste of time by itself because you literally waste your entire life "leveling up" while your body/your ability to enjoy things wastes away.) i have one person that understands me. even my own mother sees suicide as a "dumb" idea, which really makes her seem close-minded. i never asked my dad, but i don't want to. it will disappoint him, but that's part of it i think. troy is troy. he'll be upset as well but idk, i don't see the point of setting an example for him by living. he's already better than i am. unfortunately for him, my mom will break down and cry like she always does, her pathetic self won't realize that crying doesn't change anything. however, she will be sure to tell troy to not do that. it's going to suck for them.
but i won't be part of it. maybe that's the greatest pull about suicide. no more trouble. no more late homework, no more worries. a sort of nirvana all for itself.
just silence. nothing else to worry you.
why should i stay alive? i am not happy, no real local friends to speak of. technically, everything is "going my way," but that's all. none of it is mine to enjoy. i am physically not able to enjoy life because of the riser's mentality, which, if unassumed, destines/label one as a failure anyway. (this is a destined waste of time by itself because you literally waste your entire life "leveling up" while your body/your ability to enjoy things wastes away.) i have one person that understands me. even my own mother sees suicide as a "dumb" idea, which really makes her seem close-minded. i never asked my dad, but i don't want to. it will disappoint him, but that's part of it i think. troy is troy. he'll be upset as well but idk, i don't see the point of setting an example for him by living. he's already better than i am. unfortunately for him, my mom will break down and cry like she always does, her pathetic self won't realize that crying doesn't change anything. however, she will be sure to tell troy to not do that. it's going to suck for them.
but i won't be part of it. maybe that's the greatest pull about suicide. no more trouble. no more late homework, no more worries. a sort of nirvana all for itself.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
DECISIONS
today at pei wei (is it one word? separate? maybe it's "PAY WAY", lol)i had a revelation, sort of.
i noticed that every single piece of clothing, every single high or low light in a girl's hair, every bad haircut on a guy is a DECISION that was made by somebody, and was more than liking influenced by a friend, an idol, or a family member.
therefore, i muse: are we REALLY our own person? are we/can we be the individual that america says you can be? that's the idea, isn't it? try to make yourself into this independent, unrelying person that has all the self-confidence in the world, not to mention not make mistakes (such as spilling one's drink at the dinner table)?
to me, it seems more like an amalgamation of people working on you from the very start.
so there.
i noticed that every single piece of clothing, every single high or low light in a girl's hair, every bad haircut on a guy is a DECISION that was made by somebody, and was more than liking influenced by a friend, an idol, or a family member.
therefore, i muse: are we REALLY our own person? are we/can we be the individual that america says you can be? that's the idea, isn't it? try to make yourself into this independent, unrelying person that has all the self-confidence in the world, not to mention not make mistakes (such as spilling one's drink at the dinner table)?
to me, it seems more like an amalgamation of people working on you from the very start.
so there.
Friday, September 3, 2010
i've done it.
i've broken free. i learned everything from him worth taking, and finally found his fault. the day it hurt me created a chasm;
it grew into a void.
it killed the brothers, made them separate from the greatness that once was.
time to find my own path.
it grew into a void.
it killed the brothers, made them separate from the greatness that once was.
time to find my own path.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
excerpt
from my first college paper.
"Finally, the thing I most look forward to as an experience here at UTD is the transformation
of me. After years of near-isolation and aloneness, I am quite interested in how the forced
meeting of people and definite group work will change me. I have never been a very social person
(though I am decent at faking it), and I see people all around me happy in their groups. I’ve
never been that way, but when I hang out with a few friends I am content. Generally, though, up
to this point I’ve avoided bigger groups. I’ve done this because I’ve never seen the pull of
being in such a large group. It doesn’t seem like you can really pay attention to all the people
or pick out all the details and complexities of one person, defeating the purpose of hanging out
in my opinion. Although, my guess on the psychology behind it is that you never see the “bad” of
each person when in plurality, as each person tries not to be the proverbial “party pooper” and
be angry or upset in a time of hang out that everyone shares, as doing so would be a waste of
everyone’s time, except possibly the person angry. I believe it tends to work rather well as
people focus on the good versus the bad.
Also worth noting: the second thing to focus on here at campus is a psychology I’ve been
developing that I call “Human Control.” With a wealth of “test subjects,” so to speak, I will be
able to experiment with ideas I’ve read about in general psychology classes such as inception
and persuasion. The difference here is how I will be going about these ideas. I want to know if
people will react subconsciously to images they’ve seen before, humanistic or not. An example
would include invoking the subject’s memory in a pleasant manner in order to force a certain
reaction. Specifics are not exactly necessary, I’m certain one could come up with the uses of
this particular ability. "
the rest is insignificant.
"Finally, the thing I most look forward to as an experience here at UTD is the transformation
of me. After years of near-isolation and aloneness, I am quite interested in how the forced
meeting of people and definite group work will change me. I have never been a very social person
(though I am decent at faking it), and I see people all around me happy in their groups. I’ve
never been that way, but when I hang out with a few friends I am content. Generally, though, up
to this point I’ve avoided bigger groups. I’ve done this because I’ve never seen the pull of
being in such a large group. It doesn’t seem like you can really pay attention to all the people
or pick out all the details and complexities of one person, defeating the purpose of hanging out
in my opinion. Although, my guess on the psychology behind it is that you never see the “bad” of
each person when in plurality, as each person tries not to be the proverbial “party pooper” and
be angry or upset in a time of hang out that everyone shares, as doing so would be a waste of
everyone’s time, except possibly the person angry. I believe it tends to work rather well as
people focus on the good versus the bad.
Also worth noting: the second thing to focus on here at campus is a psychology I’ve been
developing that I call “Human Control.” With a wealth of “test subjects,” so to speak, I will be
able to experiment with ideas I’ve read about in general psychology classes such as inception
and persuasion. The difference here is how I will be going about these ideas. I want to know if
people will react subconsciously to images they’ve seen before, humanistic or not. An example
would include invoking the subject’s memory in a pleasant manner in order to force a certain
reaction. Specifics are not exactly necessary, I’m certain one could come up with the uses of
this particular ability. "
the rest is insignificant.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
lunch-hour supervillain
today for lunch, i walked past some eco-friendly sign saying that if each person used one less napkin a day, rainforests would be saved, and tons (literally, the 2000 pound ones) of paper would be conserved daily.
i used 14 napkins as i tried to eat my stupidly made deli sandwich. the lunch lady deliberately put all the ingredients in the crevice of the bread and smashed them together, creating a huge mess. now, while the average person would blame the lunch lady for our midday ecodisaster, i take full credit. i am wrecking the rainforests and polluting the earth. and you can't stop me.
seriously, this was actually just a lame (and failed) mental attempt to hide the fact that i sat alone again at lunch. hailey, it may not bother you but it bothers me, i don't know why. in the morning for breakfast, i'm studying so it doesn't matter, but when there are 3429587974 people in the lunch room and i'm still alone, i feel like a failure. i still don't know why. i shouldn't care, i suppose, but this just reiterates the fact that i'm going to have nobody to share my engineering success with. is it really harder to make friends than succeed at being an engineer?
oh, and that Taoist book i'm reading basically agrees with me and says being stupid and not worrying about things will lead to a happy life and no worries. dumb people do this daily and apparently are happy, is there no other way??? (i thought about cap-locking that last phrase.)
i do have the foresight to realize, however, that THAT is life's challenge. if i find that last thing, that's game over. when i've achieved that, my life will have everything it "needs." (in other words, what i wanted it to contain: no stupid people, no choosy people, success, minimal worries. entertainment.)
as of now, my awesome foresight is doing me no good and i am quite depressed.
i used 14 napkins as i tried to eat my stupidly made deli sandwich. the lunch lady deliberately put all the ingredients in the crevice of the bread and smashed them together, creating a huge mess. now, while the average person would blame the lunch lady for our midday ecodisaster, i take full credit. i am wrecking the rainforests and polluting the earth. and you can't stop me.
seriously, this was actually just a lame (and failed) mental attempt to hide the fact that i sat alone again at lunch. hailey, it may not bother you but it bothers me, i don't know why. in the morning for breakfast, i'm studying so it doesn't matter, but when there are 3429587974 people in the lunch room and i'm still alone, i feel like a failure. i still don't know why. i shouldn't care, i suppose, but this just reiterates the fact that i'm going to have nobody to share my engineering success with. is it really harder to make friends than succeed at being an engineer?
oh, and that Taoist book i'm reading basically agrees with me and says being stupid and not worrying about things will lead to a happy life and no worries. dumb people do this daily and apparently are happy, is there no other way??? (i thought about cap-locking that last phrase.)
i do have the foresight to realize, however, that THAT is life's challenge. if i find that last thing, that's game over. when i've achieved that, my life will have everything it "needs." (in other words, what i wanted it to contain: no stupid people, no choosy people, success, minimal worries. entertainment.)
as of now, my awesome foresight is doing me no good and i am quite depressed.
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