to ask your son to talk to someone he doesn't want to, even if it's his dad. i feel like i'll feel guilty from doing this(not talking to my dad), but years of practicing not feeling guilty tells me that once i forget about it there will only be silence. I don't want to brood (haha, punny) on my decision too much.
anyway, 1-0 in geforce. gogo reikAi
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
why is that fair?
why can you have any say at all in the world, when you're about to leave and potentially not come back?
why? because we all fucking know you're coming back, and you're just milking it out so your return is welcomed when you decide after drinking and partying with your friends that this is the right place for you, where you can boss people around to do YOUR chores while you sit around and watch soccer, waiting for the next opportunity to use your overpowered control on your wuss of a wife. get the fuck out of my life. i'm ready to live it for ME.
why? because we all fucking know you're coming back, and you're just milking it out so your return is welcomed when you decide after drinking and partying with your friends that this is the right place for you, where you can boss people around to do YOUR chores while you sit around and watch soccer, waiting for the next opportunity to use your overpowered control on your wuss of a wife. get the fuck out of my life. i'm ready to live it for ME.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
you have something that i don't have!
and i don't even know what it is, yet it pisses me off to think i'm missing something. sad but the truth. i'm being selfish about this, don't get me wrong, i'm mad about myself not being all-inclusive, and not mad about losing you. i'm just still being the same old undeveloped person that everyone is used to pushing around and calling useless and "needs improvement" and stuff.
only thing to do to get rid of my negative energy is turn it into workout energy or whatever. really hard to do when your dad consistently gets you up at 8-9 every fucking morning to do this project or that. really makes the idea of actually taking a long run and working yourself out for a good half hour pretty unattractive.
also: getting sick of my manager bitching and throwing a fit and being a little perfectionist for his company's image. guess is better anyways, get over it. other than that the job isn't too bad, except for the shitty pay, which i could find virtually anywhere else.
soccer is also annoying, with people joining last minute. get your shit straight, play for the team or don't play, i'm not here to waste my time and "have fun." i want to win. it's not a "oh, whatever, no big deal that we lost." i paid money for this shit. let's get better and understand the game and go WIN some games, and save your gf for after the practice or whatever.
so glad my blog has turned into a negative outlet for me. great use of my recordable thought website. time for bed and to start the same shit up for tomorrow. service industry, nice.
only thing to do to get rid of my negative energy is turn it into workout energy or whatever. really hard to do when your dad consistently gets you up at 8-9 every fucking morning to do this project or that. really makes the idea of actually taking a long run and working yourself out for a good half hour pretty unattractive.
also: getting sick of my manager bitching and throwing a fit and being a little perfectionist for his company's image. guess is better anyways, get over it. other than that the job isn't too bad, except for the shitty pay, which i could find virtually anywhere else.
soccer is also annoying, with people joining last minute. get your shit straight, play for the team or don't play, i'm not here to waste my time and "have fun." i want to win. it's not a "oh, whatever, no big deal that we lost." i paid money for this shit. let's get better and understand the game and go WIN some games, and save your gf for after the practice or whatever.
so glad my blog has turned into a negative outlet for me. great use of my recordable thought website. time for bed and to start the same shit up for tomorrow. service industry, nice.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
unwanted house guests
for 4 years, troy will have to endure 2 strangers in the forms of middle school girls. that is not fair to me, troy, or mom. all of us will have to do more work, while my dad just goes happygolucky over everything, claiming fake family honor and shit. troy will come home with no one real to talk to, and no space (or not as much) to call his own. mom will have to keep buying them female hygiene products and take them to school (or someone will), and they may join sports team that require addition bull shit, not to mention every single meal time which will never be the same again. it's going to be awful for everyone that wants to eat a meal with people they know for a fact.
i will be the least affected, being at college most of the time. dad said that they are going to leave for summers, so that basically means i won't see them at all. this summer rocks/sucks all at once. i don't even know if my dad is leaving for good, and i don't know if i want him to leave or just don't care or don't want him to leave... not sure, nothing is for certain except uncertainty.
i will be the least affected, being at college most of the time. dad said that they are going to leave for summers, so that basically means i won't see them at all. this summer rocks/sucks all at once. i don't even know if my dad is leaving for good, and i don't know if i want him to leave or just don't care or don't want him to leave... not sure, nothing is for certain except uncertainty.
Monday, May 16, 2011
a bit worrying
that i do not have enough money. it's going to be tight until my first pay check, and i fucking hate that feeling. i wish it would go away... i hate the discomfort of having to borrow things. sure, it probably sucks to work at ihop for a night shift or whatever, but at least you have money to pay for things, and go out with friends and stuff. i had a job, but gave it up to go to college. college drains all money.
i have $30 in front of me, and tomorrow i have to pay for an oil change: there goes $20. with the last ten i need gas: news flash dad, that is not enough for a tank of gas. i really don't know what to say to my friends when they realize that i've been trying to organize a good indoor soccer team with NO money. i have good music taste, soccer skills, a decent set of friends that aren't really all that bad if you don't rely on them too much, a good computer, a very nice mouse, a roof , food and a bed, but NO money. funny how you can be that screwed with just one ingredient missing. i hate, absolutely hate people who bitch about it, but now i'm really starting to see why people do it; they need a way out, and now i'm in the same boat. it's a simple problem, but has no easy, quick fix solutions beyond traps such as loans or whatever. it's so annoying. you grow up a proper boy, right manners and all that good shit, and you end up poor. on the other hand, your rich frisco school mates that you know will never experience this in their lives are rude S.O.B.s that couldn't be nice when something bad happened if their lives depended on it.
also: why do we need girls? i just need more ladder games. that's all i need, really. tomorrow is going to be hella fun paying 8 dollars to get just enough gas to get me to the honda dealer and then have JUST enough to pay for a fucking oil change. awesome. between the teaser cash from my parents and the fact that they can rend my bank account for as much as they want and then not pay me back (on the grounds of "i can't right now.") is a great feeling to return to. i also need to confirm that i've been put into proper classes for next year, and i've also been given the chore of moving my stuff from college out of the garage. some of it is furniture; i don't know where to put it! quit being lazy and do it yourself, if you want it moved so bad.
people to hang out with this summer (that would be worth my time and MONEY):
-hailey
-kyle
-clinton
-paulina? not sure, that'd be great but not sure.
not too many more. unrelated: would like to increase my typing speed to day9 levels: i think the secret is just knowing what you're going to say next.
i have $30 in front of me, and tomorrow i have to pay for an oil change: there goes $20. with the last ten i need gas: news flash dad, that is not enough for a tank of gas. i really don't know what to say to my friends when they realize that i've been trying to organize a good indoor soccer team with NO money. i have good music taste, soccer skills, a decent set of friends that aren't really all that bad if you don't rely on them too much, a good computer, a very nice mouse, a roof , food and a bed, but NO money. funny how you can be that screwed with just one ingredient missing. i hate, absolutely hate people who bitch about it, but now i'm really starting to see why people do it; they need a way out, and now i'm in the same boat. it's a simple problem, but has no easy, quick fix solutions beyond traps such as loans or whatever. it's so annoying. you grow up a proper boy, right manners and all that good shit, and you end up poor. on the other hand, your rich frisco school mates that you know will never experience this in their lives are rude S.O.B.s that couldn't be nice when something bad happened if their lives depended on it.
also: why do we need girls? i just need more ladder games. that's all i need, really. tomorrow is going to be hella fun paying 8 dollars to get just enough gas to get me to the honda dealer and then have JUST enough to pay for a fucking oil change. awesome. between the teaser cash from my parents and the fact that they can rend my bank account for as much as they want and then not pay me back (on the grounds of "i can't right now.") is a great feeling to return to. i also need to confirm that i've been put into proper classes for next year, and i've also been given the chore of moving my stuff from college out of the garage. some of it is furniture; i don't know where to put it! quit being lazy and do it yourself, if you want it moved so bad.
people to hang out with this summer (that would be worth my time and MONEY):
-hailey
-kyle
-clinton
-paulina? not sure, that'd be great but not sure.
not too many more. unrelated: would like to increase my typing speed to day9 levels: i think the secret is just knowing what you're going to say next.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Charles Bukowski
is a genius. quotes from him:
"I've never been lonely. I've been in a room -- I've felt suicidal. I've been depressed. I've felt awful -- awful beyond all -- but I never felt that one other person could enter that room and cure what was bothering me...or that any number of people could enter that room. In other words, loneliness is something I've never been bothered with because I've always had this terrible itch for solitude. It's being at a party, or at a stadium full of people cheering for something, that I might feel loneliness. I'll quote Ibsen, "The strongest men are the most alone." I've never thought, "Well, some beautiful blonde will come in here and give me a fuck-job, rub my balls, and I'll feel good." No, that won't help. You know the typical crowd, "Wow, it's Friday night, what are you going to do? Just sit there?" Well, yeah. Because there's nothing out there. It's stupidity. Stupid people mingling with stupid people. Let them stupidify themselves. I've never been bothered with the need to rush out into the night. I hid in bars, because I didn't want to hide in factories. That's all. Sorry for all the millions, but I've never been lonely. I like myself. I'm the best form of entertainment I have. Let's drink more wine!"
"The shortest distance between two points is often unbearable."
"This is very important -- to take leisure time. Pace is the essence. Without stopping entirely and doing nothing at all for great periods, you're gonna lose everything...just to do nothing at all, very, very important. And how many people do this in modern society? Very few. That's why they're all totally mad, frustrated, angry and hateful."
"Great art is horseshit, buy tacos."
"I couldn't get myself to read the want ads. The thought of sitting in front of a man behind a desk and telling him that I wanted a job, that I was qualified for a job, was too much for me. Frankly, I was horrified by life, at what a man had to do simply in order to eat, sleep, and keep himself clothed. So I stayed in bed and drank. When you drank the world was still out there, but for the moment it didn't have you by the throat."
more to come
"I've never been lonely. I've been in a room -- I've felt suicidal. I've been depressed. I've felt awful -- awful beyond all -- but I never felt that one other person could enter that room and cure what was bothering me...or that any number of people could enter that room. In other words, loneliness is something I've never been bothered with because I've always had this terrible itch for solitude. It's being at a party, or at a stadium full of people cheering for something, that I might feel loneliness. I'll quote Ibsen, "The strongest men are the most alone." I've never thought, "Well, some beautiful blonde will come in here and give me a fuck-job, rub my balls, and I'll feel good." No, that won't help. You know the typical crowd, "Wow, it's Friday night, what are you going to do? Just sit there?" Well, yeah. Because there's nothing out there. It's stupidity. Stupid people mingling with stupid people. Let them stupidify themselves. I've never been bothered with the need to rush out into the night. I hid in bars, because I didn't want to hide in factories. That's all. Sorry for all the millions, but I've never been lonely. I like myself. I'm the best form of entertainment I have. Let's drink more wine!"
"The shortest distance between two points is often unbearable."
"This is very important -- to take leisure time. Pace is the essence. Without stopping entirely and doing nothing at all for great periods, you're gonna lose everything...just to do nothing at all, very, very important. And how many people do this in modern society? Very few. That's why they're all totally mad, frustrated, angry and hateful."
"Great art is horseshit, buy tacos."
"I couldn't get myself to read the want ads. The thought of sitting in front of a man behind a desk and telling him that I wanted a job, that I was qualified for a job, was too much for me. Frankly, I was horrified by life, at what a man had to do simply in order to eat, sleep, and keep himself clothed. So I stayed in bed and drank. When you drank the world was still out there, but for the moment it didn't have you by the throat."
more to come
i feel
very unnecessarily complicated. when it comes time to pick classes, it's like the feeling of growing up really consumes me... i hate that feeling. can't we all just be kids forever and get by on minimum whatever, doing what we love?
no. of course not.
i don't know why, but i hate the thought of growing old and having to deal with the immense level of bullshit and life or death situations that inevitably await me.
i also hate the feeling that i'm falling into the stupid category... i'm settling for weaker classes. why? but then again, what do i gain from choosing bigger, tougher classes? will the employers even know the difference (unless they SPECIFICALLY went to UTD and took the OTHER class)? i don't think so, and that's what's making me choose the current path. it feels like shit to step down into the filth of the world... but what's the motivation for going to the next level?
no. of course not.
i don't know why, but i hate the thought of growing old and having to deal with the immense level of bullshit and life or death situations that inevitably await me.
i also hate the feeling that i'm falling into the stupid category... i'm settling for weaker classes. why? but then again, what do i gain from choosing bigger, tougher classes? will the employers even know the difference (unless they SPECIFICALLY went to UTD and took the OTHER class)? i don't think so, and that's what's making me choose the current path. it feels like shit to step down into the filth of the world... but what's the motivation for going to the next level?
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