i keep coming back here like something will change...

i think something i don't quite understand, is that the longer i wait to do something, nothing about that thing changes except how UNPREPARED i will be to do it. there isn't really even a reason behind this blog post, except to maybe highlight the nervousness i still get around the chance of failure. i can't imagine what will happen to me if i lose my scholarship, but it's always on my mind when i'm at school, and especially gets bad when it comes near test time or getting a test back with the grade on it. i MUST succeed, and the drive and the fall don't scare me, but it's more about the stupid people i'll be associated with after failing. people will be forever confused about how smart i actually am, being able to instantly solve people's problems and critically thinking myself out of potentially dangerous/unadvantageous situations. i'll be forever put with the potheads and the people without the willpower to change their own bodies or achieve things that they really desire, let alone the things that they don't desire so much. it's gross to think that's where i'll lie, so unfairly so, with the people who will never be properly examined by the office uppers who "don't have time." i wish i could fix the system, but just the existence of people that won't try to even change their beliefs are the ones that kill the spirit of being good. this is kind of why i'm partial to just be totally cool with just chilling in an apartment somewhere playing starcraft and NOT GIVING HALF A SHIT of what others think about me. i'll still dress with class, and do my laundry and stuff, but a super high paying job that requires kissing the ass of fake people everywhere? no thanks. is there a career doesn't require dealing with a lot of sucking up? i got it. a starcraft player.

i don't know why

i came here to unleash my thoughts into a safe place, as this isn't really safe, but i guess it's true that i can say whatever i want here. i don't know how to describe how i'm feeling about school and starcraft and not having an entire life plan like mr. cone showed us how to create in 12th grade. i can't believe the people of the administration would also rather just push away responsibility to the students and not enforce their own policy about keeping records of the students grades. the word stupid keeps coming up, so i'm going to type it out of my hands: stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid. there. phew. anyway, the people there are strangely... invisible. i think they might not be fully human. the way the woman looked at me when she took my appeal... was creepy, to say the least. at least i will pass anyway and give them the middle finger as they tell me "i told you so, just try harder, it isn't our job to fix things, it's all on the student who has to pay all the fines and tuition just to be competitive in the job market even though you don't actually learn any new skills in college." negativity gone. (yeah, right.) hmm... i don't know why i thought this would help, but it didn't even help. things aren't worse in my head, but they aren't fixed. i wonder what it will take. at least i have the outlet.

BJH

i really miss smashing people with you, man. a shame you'll never see this. we had so much fun together, and maybe it's a lie, but facebook makes you look like you have never smiled more in your life. i hope everything goes well for you. pitiful that things didn't work out the way they could have, we could have caused so much trouble together. you taught me so much that i'll never forget, and just looking at my news feed from time to time i'm still learning more from you. i don't know why it's now that all this is hitting me, but i think it just goes to show that you never know who you're next to (and how many percent AMAZING they are) until they're long gone and beyond your ability to experience it again. i wish we could have destroyed everybody this past weekend at the intermural soccer tournament. i hit this sweet equalizer that you would have been proud of me for. although you probably would have been rather bored with the no slide tackling rule ;), it would have still been the best feeling in the world. i still consider you my older brother. BJH