i've experienced:
loss
defeat
anger
anxiety
shock
joy
ecstasy
winning with a great team
success
losing with awful teams
eating various good and bad food
being betrayed innumerable times
learning, both good and bad
tons of life truths (and lies)
strategy
stupidity
laughter
hard work and it's benefits
being lazy and having a terrible mental state
having my life screwed over by someone else's poor decision
stupid people, over and over again
pain
deceit
great music
shitty music
cool people in strange places
the concert scene
the party scene (the concert scene is way better)
a sense of family
a sense of great friends (which are still second to family but great nonetheless)
a lot of sub-par company
whores (just social, not sexual interaction)
how girls can be frilly and stupid and still make thousands of friends
how guys can be leagues ahead and still be left in the dust by this terrible thing we call SOCIETY
stereotypes
how nerds can be cooler than anyone you've ever met
how the secrets you keep (such as videogames) can open up friendships
how going after somebody's sister really does make it awkward
how girls are apparently the choosers in society, after the honored place we guys put them on
how many lessons need to be taught to people
work
the drudgery of everyday life
the worthlessness of pretty much everybody
people stealing my things
people lying to my face
knowing when you can't trust someone
revenge
evil thoughts
unusually decent thoughts
people's awful hygiene
bad habits
the power of belief
the juvenility of everyone, even college kids or my own parents
being ignored unfairly
the frequent rightness of my dad
the grace of my brother
the resiliency of my mom
and a ton of loneliness.
what else is there? what am i missing?
death
Monday, November 29, 2010
SC2: When you are WINNING:
DON'T push for the win. keep denying expansions, take extra bases yourself, and extend your lead. when you are ahead, get more ahead.
oh, and get detection depending on what race you are, at the right time. top korean pros lose because of not getting detection. you're going to need the upgrade station anyway. :) cloaked banshees... well, cloaked ANYTHING is imba, because of their ability to hold an opponent in his base until he has mobile detection, or a shitload of scans, which aren't really necessary :P lol.
also; hold vision as much as you can. you'll spot drops, incoming attacks, etc etc. :)
oh, and get detection depending on what race you are, at the right time. top korean pros lose because of not getting detection. you're going to need the upgrade station anyway. :) cloaked banshees... well, cloaked ANYTHING is imba, because of their ability to hold an opponent in his base until he has mobile detection, or a shitload of scans, which aren't really necessary :P lol.
also; hold vision as much as you can. you'll spot drops, incoming attacks, etc etc. :)
Friday, November 19, 2010
SC2: When you are LOSING:
don't panic, first and foremost. and stay in the damn game. don't quit so early. makes you looks stupid.
trust your build, but don't be afraid to deviate: if they rush, and you're teching/FE'ing, you have to deviate. or die. but dying is less fun.
"When you've lost all your SCVs, there are two options: one is to make a 2 base death army giga-push. the other is to buy time by getting snappy with drops and quick, small units like marauders and marines with the occasion medivac." -- day9
Tanks are good in middle to large numbers! not really small ones. Marines work well in smaller numbers. this is because you need less medivacs to support, and they're quick to produce, meaning you can have more quicker than waiting for tanks. plus, if you're under the gun, you need it now, and anything helps.
also, having a shitty computer really hurts your chances to micro. can't play at all if it won't even install the program correctly. pretty simple process, and my computer simply can't handle it. can't wait for a new computer. i'd easily sacrifice a phone for a computer. facebook would be nice on the go, but man, i lose because my computer can't handle the game. can't wait to play in FO tonight. ugh. i HATE this thing.
trust your build, but don't be afraid to deviate: if they rush, and you're teching/FE'ing, you have to deviate. or die. but dying is less fun.
"When you've lost all your SCVs, there are two options: one is to make a 2 base death army giga-push. the other is to buy time by getting snappy with drops and quick, small units like marauders and marines with the occasion medivac." -- day9
Tanks are good in middle to large numbers! not really small ones. Marines work well in smaller numbers. this is because you need less medivacs to support, and they're quick to produce, meaning you can have more quicker than waiting for tanks. plus, if you're under the gun, you need it now, and anything helps.
also, having a shitty computer really hurts your chances to micro. can't play at all if it won't even install the program correctly. pretty simple process, and my computer simply can't handle it. can't wait for a new computer. i'd easily sacrifice a phone for a computer. facebook would be nice on the go, but man, i lose because my computer can't handle the game. can't wait to play in FO tonight. ugh. i HATE this thing.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
SC2: attacking versus expanding.
do not try to win the game instantaneously. --- day9.
i believe this means in this game, attacking is used to set your opponent back, but the real idea (and it's pretty abstract) is to blow your opponent away in a combination of resource collection rate, food, units, and tech :D
apparently killing them is secondary, because eventually you will kill them with a food difference of 150 to 4.
also, the difference of tech and macro (having more STUFF) is that the macro player WILL WIN if he can hold off the lesser "based", teching player. the NEXT STEP: you should probably be grabbing a tech piece; you have a base up on him already.
with this in mind: 2 rax FE means stability through 2 rax (obviously.) after being up on 2 base, and STABILIZING, get a tech choice going.
ASIDE: on a different note, speedlings are the key ingredient to ling/bling. NOT blings. get the surround and you're good. delaying tech is powerful!! do it!! :) delaying gas, tech, but speeding to an expo = super powerful as of late. of course, keep in mind the metagame :)
i believe this means in this game, attacking is used to set your opponent back, but the real idea (and it's pretty abstract) is to blow your opponent away in a combination of resource collection rate, food, units, and tech :D
apparently killing them is secondary, because eventually you will kill them with a food difference of 150 to 4.
also, the difference of tech and macro (having more STUFF) is that the macro player WILL WIN if he can hold off the lesser "based", teching player. the NEXT STEP: you should probably be grabbing a tech piece; you have a base up on him already.
with this in mind: 2 rax FE means stability through 2 rax (obviously.) after being up on 2 base, and STABILIZING, get a tech choice going.
ASIDE: on a different note, speedlings are the key ingredient to ling/bling. NOT blings. get the surround and you're good. delaying tech is powerful!! do it!! :) delaying gas, tech, but speeding to an expo = super powerful as of late. of course, keep in mind the metagame :)
Monday, November 15, 2010
DAY[final]: Foot Surgery.
(Alright, I just typed this whole thing, and then accidently hit the "refresh" button. It's 12:46AM and my patience is running thin.)
Today will be the last day I really write anything, mainly because the healing process is really coming along now.
Today's entry begins yesterday, at my apartment's bathroom, where my mom was so appalled about the level of hygiene that she began to clean it for us. This really did make the place much better, and my roommate even took a shower that night (actually he does that as part of his daily/nightly routine). This is great and fine, except he sheds everywhere. This is also fine, until I have to take a shower the next morning with near-open wounds on my feet (stitches, remember?).
You may not understand the level of badness this implies. I think he intentionally sheds or something, because when my mom cleaned the bathroom initially, the place was absolutely clean, it was spotless. When I took my shower, there were hairs covering just about the entire tub. I don't know how he does that and still has hair on his head. Not only is it disgusting, he doesn't pick it up. I know, I know, I'm supposed to talk to my roommates about what I'm not happy with them doing. But what does one say to that? "Hey, I'm sick of you shedding. Pick it up, dog." I'm doubtful as to that working.
Other than the hygiene fail, today was pretty excellent in literally getting back on my feet and finding that my balance wasn't really affected by the bones being shaved, and also that it really doesn't hurt at all to stand. Only when I am flex my foot does the soreness really come on, and it's minor at that. Combined with the pain pills, this should be no problem.
Stitches come out Wednesday, I can already wear socks, and shoes will be coming along soon. Today (I'm referring to Monday) was also the heaviest walking day, so tomorrow will be even easier. I'm probably going to begin working out tomorrow and see if I'm up to that. It's definitely going to be an uphill climb to get back into game shape for the Spring but with my feet cooperating it won't be a problem.
Concluding this risk, I learned that this whole exercise was really a giant self-discovery project. I learned that I am deathly afraid of horror movies and the things in them, and also am afraid of situations in which I am vastly unprepared and unfamiliar with (which there really aren't too many, but scare me when they arise). Music does not help when the unskilled nurse is unsuccessfully jabbing a needle into your arm. I'm going queasy thinking about it. Also, slowing your life down is quite hard once you've been accustomed to living it so fast. Luckily, I won't have to transition too hard coming back because finals are coming up soon and mainly reviews and brushing up on course material is the main objective, not cramming in new things; most of my professors have done a good job.
Time for bed.
Today will be the last day I really write anything, mainly because the healing process is really coming along now.
Today's entry begins yesterday, at my apartment's bathroom, where my mom was so appalled about the level of hygiene that she began to clean it for us. This really did make the place much better, and my roommate even took a shower that night (actually he does that as part of his daily/nightly routine). This is great and fine, except he sheds everywhere. This is also fine, until I have to take a shower the next morning with near-open wounds on my feet (stitches, remember?).
You may not understand the level of badness this implies. I think he intentionally sheds or something, because when my mom cleaned the bathroom initially, the place was absolutely clean, it was spotless. When I took my shower, there were hairs covering just about the entire tub. I don't know how he does that and still has hair on his head. Not only is it disgusting, he doesn't pick it up. I know, I know, I'm supposed to talk to my roommates about what I'm not happy with them doing. But what does one say to that? "Hey, I'm sick of you shedding. Pick it up, dog." I'm doubtful as to that working.
Other than the hygiene fail, today was pretty excellent in literally getting back on my feet and finding that my balance wasn't really affected by the bones being shaved, and also that it really doesn't hurt at all to stand. Only when I am flex my foot does the soreness really come on, and it's minor at that. Combined with the pain pills, this should be no problem.
Stitches come out Wednesday, I can already wear socks, and shoes will be coming along soon. Today (I'm referring to Monday) was also the heaviest walking day, so tomorrow will be even easier. I'm probably going to begin working out tomorrow and see if I'm up to that. It's definitely going to be an uphill climb to get back into game shape for the Spring but with my feet cooperating it won't be a problem.
Concluding this risk, I learned that this whole exercise was really a giant self-discovery project. I learned that I am deathly afraid of horror movies and the things in them, and also am afraid of situations in which I am vastly unprepared and unfamiliar with (which there really aren't too many, but scare me when they arise). Music does not help when the unskilled nurse is unsuccessfully jabbing a needle into your arm. I'm going queasy thinking about it. Also, slowing your life down is quite hard once you've been accustomed to living it so fast. Luckily, I won't have to transition too hard coming back because finals are coming up soon and mainly reviews and brushing up on course material is the main objective, not cramming in new things; most of my professors have done a good job.
Time for bed.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Starcraft things to remember:
Reapers are probably the most IMBA scout ever, not including scans, which are costly in a race-advantage way.
Scouting kills the need for "knowing timings" such as when a certain unit will come out, whether it has cloak or not, or is just annoying.
Proxy 2 gate is actually powerful. pull 4-5 scvs off to repair.
Tap your hotkeys often just to check their progress. More tapping = better Macro.
Do I need a new hotkey setup?
Current setup:
123 units
4567 Production structures
890 ?? temporary things...? like EBay, tech labs? need to use more
don't be afraid to attack early. if you both play a perfect macro game, you have the same number of units. if you rushed, let him have it.
1 soldier to each base to check and "scan" is so powerful.
pulling people is easy: attack anything new or something they need. drops are ok, maybe they have their place but pulling people with ONE soldier (because they one group control syndrome, they'll pull the whole army to deal with your one soldier. then you a-move your army right into their main.)
xel'naga watch towers = imba and worth fighting for.
builds i know:
fastest bunker rush (6 depot, 6 rax)
6 rax clinton cheese
no gas marine FE
1 rax FE
2 rax FE
3 rax push
MMM
1-1-1 fast thor
1-1-1 banshee hellion marine
1-1-2 2 port banshee with cloak
2 rax 1 fact MM+siege tank
that's all for now!
Scouting kills the need for "knowing timings" such as when a certain unit will come out, whether it has cloak or not, or is just annoying.
Proxy 2 gate is actually powerful. pull 4-5 scvs off to repair.
Tap your hotkeys often just to check their progress. More tapping = better Macro.
Do I need a new hotkey setup?
Current setup:
123 units
4567 Production structures
890 ?? temporary things...? like EBay, tech labs? need to use more
don't be afraid to attack early. if you both play a perfect macro game, you have the same number of units. if you rushed, let him have it.
1 soldier to each base to check and "scan" is so powerful.
pulling people is easy: attack anything new or something they need. drops are ok, maybe they have their place but pulling people with ONE soldier (because they one group control syndrome, they'll pull the whole army to deal with your one soldier. then you a-move your army right into their main.)
xel'naga watch towers = imba and worth fighting for.
builds i know:
fastest bunker rush (6 depot, 6 rax)
6 rax clinton cheese
no gas marine FE
1 rax FE
2 rax FE
3 rax push
MMM
1-1-1 fast thor
1-1-1 banshee hellion marine
1-1-2 2 port banshee with cloak
2 rax 1 fact MM+siege tank
that's all for now!
DAY[9]: Foot Surgery.
Good day, took the first shower since having surgery. We went to Fry's electronics (my family's favorite "techie" store) and I basically walked the entire time. It was great to not have to use the wheelchair, I was banana grinning the entire way there and back because of being able to walk again. The stitches still scare me, but I just leave the wraps on my feet and they're fine after that. Mornings are usually rough as everything sort of stiffens back up and is sore, just like any other injury, bones being shaved off or not.
Monday I go back to school, and I may just be able to WALK to class, which would be great. Definitely don't want to have mom around my social life more than I have to, got to be independent eventually, no offense to her. Time to put some SCII concepts into practice and then head to bed, chao.
Monday I go back to school, and I may just be able to WALK to class, which would be great. Definitely don't want to have mom around my social life more than I have to, got to be independent eventually, no offense to her. Time to put some SCII concepts into practice and then head to bed, chao.
Friday, November 12, 2010
DAY[8]: Foot Surgery.
Today's a pretty dang good day. Today, at 9:15, in Richardson, Texas, I found that MY feet are significantly skinnier than they were. This means a couple things. I can wear soccer shoes (expensive $200 pairs) for a long time without breaking them in one year, and also have stitches in them.
I hate horror movies, and almost threw up at the sight of the stitches in my feet, especially along with the bruising that ensued. I currently look like a horror victim, and even though the doctor said I could shower and wear socks, both actions will remind me (by gross kinesthetics) that I have thread weaving throughout my feet's skin. I believe I am currently developing a fear against medical equipment that is inside the person for any length of time (IVs, needles, or stitches) mainly because of how they feel. not only are they painful, but they don't feel.... human. I hate developing fears, because they lead to stupid, insecure actions that make people less of a "person" than they actually are.
Anyway, I said today was a good day. It may seem like I sort of reversed that, but actually the truth is that the bad often requires more explanation, something people avoid, because not only does it kill the conversation, but also because nobody knows anything about it. (More bad stuff right? Anyway.)
I'm going to be able to walk into restaurants soon! But until then, it's really not a walking world for me because I feel the stitches when I walk. (I can walk anywhere I want in the house, including the stairs, but I generally don't because I don't want to feel the stitches. I guess a great way to face my fear would be to simply walk.)
Other than that, nothing much today. I found the CS1325 class I'm taking absolutely makes homework near pointless with the grading scale putting weekly assignments at 15% and everything else much more "weighty." Other than that I really don't have much to do, and I'm dreading having my mom push me around campus coming monday. Everybody will pretty much see me, and people today don't really harass you for that, but it's pretty much going to alienate every girl on campus.
Today after the doctor's appointment we toured the campus to find all the handicap accessible spots for easy access and pathing on monday, and as my mom pushed the wheelchair, I found more good looking girls on campus than I had ever seen before. Before long I just put my hood up and tried futilely to sink into my jacket. Ah well.
I hate horror movies, and almost threw up at the sight of the stitches in my feet, especially along with the bruising that ensued. I currently look like a horror victim, and even though the doctor said I could shower and wear socks, both actions will remind me (by gross kinesthetics) that I have thread weaving throughout my feet's skin. I believe I am currently developing a fear against medical equipment that is inside the person for any length of time (IVs, needles, or stitches) mainly because of how they feel. not only are they painful, but they don't feel.... human. I hate developing fears, because they lead to stupid, insecure actions that make people less of a "person" than they actually are.
Anyway, I said today was a good day. It may seem like I sort of reversed that, but actually the truth is that the bad often requires more explanation, something people avoid, because not only does it kill the conversation, but also because nobody knows anything about it. (More bad stuff right? Anyway.)
I'm going to be able to walk into restaurants soon! But until then, it's really not a walking world for me because I feel the stitches when I walk. (I can walk anywhere I want in the house, including the stairs, but I generally don't because I don't want to feel the stitches. I guess a great way to face my fear would be to simply walk.)
Other than that, nothing much today. I found the CS1325 class I'm taking absolutely makes homework near pointless with the grading scale putting weekly assignments at 15% and everything else much more "weighty." Other than that I really don't have much to do, and I'm dreading having my mom push me around campus coming monday. Everybody will pretty much see me, and people today don't really harass you for that, but it's pretty much going to alienate every girl on campus.
Today after the doctor's appointment we toured the campus to find all the handicap accessible spots for easy access and pathing on monday, and as my mom pushed the wheelchair, I found more good looking girls on campus than I had ever seen before. Before long I just put my hood up and tried futilely to sink into my jacket. Ah well.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
DAY[7]: Foot Surgery.
Tomorrow's the day. Bet you've never heard that before. But yeah, thursday is today, and therefore tomorrow is known as FRIDAY, otherwise known as the best day of the week. However, to me, it's the day to actually see my feet for the first time since the surgery.
For some reason today I made this bet with my mom about the state of my feet; I took the side that surgery actually made them worse than they were in the first place. I don't know why I made this bet, but maybe I did it to say later that this decision to get surgery at least turned out neutral and/or better in some areas than just flat bad. I don't know. It upset her that I said that (she always get upset over nothing or especially things that aren't her fault.).
Has this blog become a diary now? Pretty much, I guess. At least for sure through this foot surgery thing. I don't know how many more or how long the future entries will be, but I'll be sure to let everybody know the last day. I'm guessing about DAY[10] but I'm entirely unsure, there's always the possibility of relapses in recovery as always, and I'm continually walking before I'm really able to, I probably shouldn't be since the doctor said to lay in bed all this week. Tomorrow we can reorder medication if we need to, I hope we do because sometimes the pain is intense enough to require it. I just took the last dose and as I've said before it does sometimes make me hallucinate, which is by far the best part of this experience. To be given ideas without having to consciously create them or have them be altered out of their true state by the conscious mind is really a gift.
More to come later, going to play computer games with Troy. Later.
For some reason today I made this bet with my mom about the state of my feet; I took the side that surgery actually made them worse than they were in the first place. I don't know why I made this bet, but maybe I did it to say later that this decision to get surgery at least turned out neutral and/or better in some areas than just flat bad. I don't know. It upset her that I said that (she always get upset over nothing or especially things that aren't her fault.).
Has this blog become a diary now? Pretty much, I guess. At least for sure through this foot surgery thing. I don't know how many more or how long the future entries will be, but I'll be sure to let everybody know the last day. I'm guessing about DAY[10] but I'm entirely unsure, there's always the possibility of relapses in recovery as always, and I'm continually walking before I'm really able to, I probably shouldn't be since the doctor said to lay in bed all this week. Tomorrow we can reorder medication if we need to, I hope we do because sometimes the pain is intense enough to require it. I just took the last dose and as I've said before it does sometimes make me hallucinate, which is by far the best part of this experience. To be given ideas without having to consciously create them or have them be altered out of their true state by the conscious mind is really a gift.
More to come later, going to play computer games with Troy. Later.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
DAY[6]: Foot Surgery.
I skipped a day, but nothing really happened yesterday, I basically griped about the fact I couldn't walk. Oh well, everybody gets a gripe day. Today is going to be slow also, although we're going to get to see Manchester United play Manchester City! (Cross town rivals in England :D) Other than that, life as a surgery victim really is just a lot of waiting. And I mean waiting for the next exciting thing, the next event that you care about, never being able to go out and say "man, I'm sick of this. I'M going to do something exciting today, and better, RIGHT now."
I really think that any Americans who are stuck vegetating at a desk job (which actually probably aren't all bad) 24/7 are going to die before their bodies give out; I mean that their brains are literally going to shrivel up because they literally do NOTHING fun all day. This week I refused to do homework because I didn't want to die in misery and further lower the serious mental deficit I'm already in. Screw making yourself more miserable when you already can't do what you exist to do (for me, that's being independent and really inventing new things to do and changing up this "routine").
Right now I'm sitting with an empty plate in front of me from breakfast as both of my parents are at their jobs and my brother is having fun at school and I'm sitting here either playing starcraft/listening/watching videos of starcraft. (I do want to get better at the game, and it's a complex one.) The problem is, I've done it all morning, so after this I'm going to go exercise. (just go to the living room floor and do crunches or push-ups or something.) Monotony sucks.
I feel the need to justify my life at this point, because I'm not doing exactly what I want. I really hope the rest of my life isn't like being a surgery patient; that would suck.
I really think that any Americans who are stuck vegetating at a desk job (which actually probably aren't all bad) 24/7 are going to die before their bodies give out; I mean that their brains are literally going to shrivel up because they literally do NOTHING fun all day. This week I refused to do homework because I didn't want to die in misery and further lower the serious mental deficit I'm already in. Screw making yourself more miserable when you already can't do what you exist to do (for me, that's being independent and really inventing new things to do and changing up this "routine").
Right now I'm sitting with an empty plate in front of me from breakfast as both of my parents are at their jobs and my brother is having fun at school and I'm sitting here either playing starcraft/listening/watching videos of starcraft. (I do want to get better at the game, and it's a complex one.) The problem is, I've done it all morning, so after this I'm going to go exercise. (just go to the living room floor and do crunches or push-ups or something.) Monotony sucks.
I feel the need to justify my life at this point, because I'm not doing exactly what I want. I really hope the rest of my life isn't like being a surgery patient; that would suck.
Monday, November 8, 2010
DAY[4]: Foot Surgery, and Hallucinations.
(Aside: "Hallucinations" is a great song by Angels & Airwaves also! You should give it a listen.)
Seriously, I did have hallucinations while trying to sleep last night because of these drugs. It seriously is scary to have voices in your ear trying to say freaky things, but it's... kind of cool. It makes my life less boring. I almost want to keep these pills for when I need a creative boost, because I seriously think I am not creative enough on my own. Also, I never get nervous on the pill. This would eliminate all sorts of fear on the soccer field. One negative side effect is having my hearing somewhat.. impaired? while on them. It sounds "stuffy," even though I don't currently have sinus problems. Idk. Just something to think about; I need to experiment and just take one pill to see the difference (the dosage is two pills).
Early entry, but I felt this needed to be noted.
Seriously, I did have hallucinations while trying to sleep last night because of these drugs. It seriously is scary to have voices in your ear trying to say freaky things, but it's... kind of cool. It makes my life less boring. I almost want to keep these pills for when I need a creative boost, because I seriously think I am not creative enough on my own. Also, I never get nervous on the pill. This would eliminate all sorts of fear on the soccer field. One negative side effect is having my hearing somewhat.. impaired? while on them. It sounds "stuffy," even though I don't currently have sinus problems. Idk. Just something to think about; I need to experiment and just take one pill to see the difference (the dosage is two pills).
Early entry, but I felt this needed to be noted.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
DAY[3]: Foot Surgery.
Right now I'm confirming my addiction to the magic white pills: I feel strangely down and dejected while off them. I think I'm going to start only using them as a "time to go to sleep" sort of tool, instead of a fight-the-pain tool. For that I'm switching to the Motrin IB.
There really isn't much else to say (I'm pretty much just sick of people waiting on me. I hate being treated differently.). Sorry this wasn't as good per se as a real "risk." I'm going to call the doctor tomorrow about recovery times. I hate not being able to exercise and just MOVE AROUND and get comfortable. As of right now I'm at my own kitchen table twisted sideways trying to blog while my body faces one way and my hands have to participate and think in a different direction.
Maybe this wasn't so much a risk as a self-discovery process. I say this because I now know that I do not like user-unfriendly items (such as a poorly designed phone or wheelchair), can't stand being bodily uncomfortable, and definitely do not enjoy sleeping with anything on my feet (such as bandages which I cannot remove).
If I had taken a real risk I may have gone for asking a girl out on a date first try. I've always been able to pull lots of long-term things off but never something so quick and connection-less. Actually, on second thought, that would be something only difficult (and potentially embarrassing). Not very risky. (At this point my spine, hips, butt, heels, ankles, balls of feet, and toes [?!] hurt. This concludes the blog entry.)
There really isn't much else to say (I'm pretty much just sick of people waiting on me. I hate being treated differently.). Sorry this wasn't as good per se as a real "risk." I'm going to call the doctor tomorrow about recovery times. I hate not being able to exercise and just MOVE AROUND and get comfortable. As of right now I'm at my own kitchen table twisted sideways trying to blog while my body faces one way and my hands have to participate and think in a different direction.
Maybe this wasn't so much a risk as a self-discovery process. I say this because I now know that I do not like user-unfriendly items (such as a poorly designed phone or wheelchair), can't stand being bodily uncomfortable, and definitely do not enjoy sleeping with anything on my feet (such as bandages which I cannot remove).
If I had taken a real risk I may have gone for asking a girl out on a date first try. I've always been able to pull lots of long-term things off but never something so quick and connection-less. Actually, on second thought, that would be something only difficult (and potentially embarrassing). Not very risky. (At this point my spine, hips, butt, heels, ankles, balls of feet, and toes [?!] hurt. This concludes the blog entry.)
DAY[2]: Foot Surgery.
So this is a later entry than I'd usually put in, but I wanted to make sure I encompassed the whole day in this one.
I woke up in a wreck. At 4:03am, I was in a withdrawal rage. By sleeping for more than 3 hours (The duration of the pain meds), I was at the point "off the drug." I hated life. Also, my patience were definitely not cooperating as I sat still doing nothing for the longest week of my life. However, when I got my pills, I was fine. This is not good. I think I am already addicted. (Another reason why "doing the bad stuff is bad.") I hate dependence (as you may have divined by now) and yet for now I need them. Another thing, when I'm on this medication I don't feel hunger, sadness, but I do feel very sleepy, and yet happy at the same time. It definitely falls into the "positive feeling" category. It also destroys all critical thinking and focusing abilities I have, and thus no homework is getting done this week. (That, my friends, is a plus. No busywork for a week? I guess I can cope :D )
Another aspect: This morning I hated having to sit still and watch my fitness wither away, but after a good hour of whining (internally) about it, I said "Well, that's the way it's going to be. Might as well make the most of it." That (plus the drugs) pretty much turned my day around, and was also the reason I held off this blog entry until now.
In other news, nobody wants to text or in general talk to the kid in recovery. Yay. However, tomorrow I get to watch my brother play soccer in a wheelchair (I'm in the wheelchair, he's playing legitimately), and he's going to be playing against my ex-best friend, who pretends he's still my friend. He (Ben from now on, and that is his real name) is my age, but my brother is 3.5 years younger than both of us. We'll see how this goes.
I woke up in a wreck. At 4:03am, I was in a withdrawal rage. By sleeping for more than 3 hours (The duration of the pain meds), I was at the point "off the drug." I hated life. Also, my patience were definitely not cooperating as I sat still doing nothing for the longest week of my life. However, when I got my pills, I was fine. This is not good. I think I am already addicted. (Another reason why "doing the bad stuff is bad.") I hate dependence (as you may have divined by now) and yet for now I need them. Another thing, when I'm on this medication I don't feel hunger, sadness, but I do feel very sleepy, and yet happy at the same time. It definitely falls into the "positive feeling" category. It also destroys all critical thinking and focusing abilities I have, and thus no homework is getting done this week. (That, my friends, is a plus. No busywork for a week? I guess I can cope :D )
Another aspect: This morning I hated having to sit still and watch my fitness wither away, but after a good hour of whining (internally) about it, I said "Well, that's the way it's going to be. Might as well make the most of it." That (plus the drugs) pretty much turned my day around, and was also the reason I held off this blog entry until now.
In other news, nobody wants to text or in general talk to the kid in recovery. Yay. However, tomorrow I get to watch my brother play soccer in a wheelchair (I'm in the wheelchair, he's playing legitimately), and he's going to be playing against my ex-best friend, who pretends he's still my friend. He (Ben from now on, and that is his real name) is my age, but my brother is 3.5 years younger than both of us. We'll see how this goes.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
DAY[1]: Foot Surgery.
I didn't sleep a wink, and I think this is due to the drugs (pain meds mostly). Not only do they seriously dehydrate you, they make it impossible to shut your brain up. I literally spent the entire night with Starcraft II strategies pouring forth. Now, this isn't bad, I played a Free-for-all and beat my brother, my roommate, and a computer at the same time, but it definitely has it's downsides.
I am never hungry. I literally feel no need to eat anything, except drink tons of water to counteract the ridiculous thirst brought by the pain meds. However, that's quite the vicious circle; I have to use the restroom all the time. This seems pretty straight forward, but not to somebody who has to sit in a chair all day long. I cannot walk when I am not on meds (it simply hurts too much) and must scoot backwards on the ground by using a combination of my backside and my frustrated fists. If I do not resort to this (highly embarrassing) method of travel, I am stuck IMPOSING on somebody else, either a parent or my brother, and I absolutely loath people who impose on others, even in times of disability like now.
I really don't feel much fear (or much of anything right now) but I still do not know what my feet look like, and that is the one twinge of fear I've got right now. After the procedure yesterday, my feet were bandaged and that was that; the doctor said I couldn't take the bandages off, even to shower. (For bathing purposes, he said to just put plastic bags over them.)
I really miss being able to walk around and just get up and grab things (i.e.: the remote or water or anything really). Hope this is worth it.
I am never hungry. I literally feel no need to eat anything, except drink tons of water to counteract the ridiculous thirst brought by the pain meds. However, that's quite the vicious circle; I have to use the restroom all the time. This seems pretty straight forward, but not to somebody who has to sit in a chair all day long. I cannot walk when I am not on meds (it simply hurts too much) and must scoot backwards on the ground by using a combination of my backside and my frustrated fists. If I do not resort to this (highly embarrassing) method of travel, I am stuck IMPOSING on somebody else, either a parent or my brother, and I absolutely loath people who impose on others, even in times of disability like now.
I really don't feel much fear (or much of anything right now) but I still do not know what my feet look like, and that is the one twinge of fear I've got right now. After the procedure yesterday, my feet were bandaged and that was that; the doctor said I couldn't take the bandages off, even to shower. (For bathing purposes, he said to just put plastic bags over them.)
I really miss being able to walk around and just get up and grab things (i.e.: the remote or water or anything really). Hope this is worth it.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
DAY[0]: Foot Surgery.
I was scared s***less this morning. To say I was anxious would be a sick understatement. I even took some music to help me calm down, but by the time I'd been pushed from room to room on the hospital bed my worst fear had been realized(being useless/helpless). I hated the feeling of NEEDING medication and NEEDING be pushed from room to scary room. (Some rooms were nice and cheerful, but the guy pushing me around was extremely creepy and scary, especially when you're about to have the bones in your feet shaved down.)
Also, they only apparently shaved the bones on the ball of each foot down, I guess breaking the bones wasn't necessary. The big right toe was "corrected." Don't know how that fits into what really happened. However, the doctor and the nurse were both cool and cut the tension a lot. :) All I remember is going into the final room with serious tension turning slowly into mild tension, then waking up in a different room feeling EXTREMELY comfortable and warm under some sheets. The foreign-ness of the people before hand were drastically contrasted with the amiable asian lady who eased me back into consciousness.
It's about 3 hours after the surgery which started at eleven and took 31 minutes per foot, so it's 4:14pm right now. Apparently anesthesia takes tons of your hydration from you, so we went to starbucks afterwards, possibly the greatest thing we could have done.
I wish I could have blogged in the hospital to more accurately describe the feelings of fear I experienced pre-surgery.
Another interesting point, nobody in my family seemed to care yesterday (when I started to feel some anxiety) but now everybody's being really nice to me, and asking how it went and that sort of thing. It seems strange that there was such a change of heart. Maybe they knew I could handle it, but earlier this morning I really felt like ripping the IV out and running screaming from the room. Right before the lady said I couldn't take my music into the surgery I nearly cried, not because of the loss of music, but because of the strange/newness of the situation. Generally I get into "high stress" situations (doing timed sprints for some coach or giving a speech) and come away smiling and satisfied, but this was too much. I was going to be helpless while people pulled my limp body apart. If you've seen the horror movie "The Crazies," you know what I mean. If not, there's a scene where a "crazy" has a pitchfork and goes into a hospital and stabs everybody to death while they're pinned to their respective beds.
MAN this is a long entry. I hope this surgery was worth it, I don't know if I'll miss UTD homecoming. I was planning to use that occasion to get to know a girl better. (I don't know which one, but it's just a good opportunity that shouldn't be missed if one can avoid doing so.) *sigh*
Time to play Starcraft II drugged :D
Also, they only apparently shaved the bones on the ball of each foot down, I guess breaking the bones wasn't necessary. The big right toe was "corrected." Don't know how that fits into what really happened. However, the doctor and the nurse were both cool and cut the tension a lot. :) All I remember is going into the final room with serious tension turning slowly into mild tension, then waking up in a different room feeling EXTREMELY comfortable and warm under some sheets. The foreign-ness of the people before hand were drastically contrasted with the amiable asian lady who eased me back into consciousness.
It's about 3 hours after the surgery which started at eleven and took 31 minutes per foot, so it's 4:14pm right now. Apparently anesthesia takes tons of your hydration from you, so we went to starbucks afterwards, possibly the greatest thing we could have done.
I wish I could have blogged in the hospital to more accurately describe the feelings of fear I experienced pre-surgery.
Another interesting point, nobody in my family seemed to care yesterday (when I started to feel some anxiety) but now everybody's being really nice to me, and asking how it went and that sort of thing. It seems strange that there was such a change of heart. Maybe they knew I could handle it, but earlier this morning I really felt like ripping the IV out and running screaming from the room. Right before the lady said I couldn't take my music into the surgery I nearly cried, not because of the loss of music, but because of the strange/newness of the situation. Generally I get into "high stress" situations (doing timed sprints for some coach or giving a speech) and come away smiling and satisfied, but this was too much. I was going to be helpless while people pulled my limp body apart. If you've seen the horror movie "The Crazies," you know what I mean. If not, there's a scene where a "crazy" has a pitchfork and goes into a hospital and stabs everybody to death while they're pinned to their respective beds.
MAN this is a long entry. I hope this surgery was worth it, I don't know if I'll miss UTD homecoming. I was planning to use that occasion to get to know a girl better. (I don't know which one, but it's just a good opportunity that shouldn't be missed if one can avoid doing so.) *sigh*
Time to play Starcraft II drugged :D
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
DAY[-1]: Foot Surgery.
Ok, I admit it, now I'm dreading tomorrow. Or at least very anxious. I don't know how they plan to do this job: does it require a saw? a big hammer (with precision laser sights)? (They have to break my feet to reconstruct the right foot's big toe; it's twisting inwards)
Today I caught myself doing scissors walking back from breakfast. (scissors explanation: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4oQiiFfYac just watch the opening dribble tricks. those are scissors.) I guess it's a nostalgia thing, like I know I'll miss it once it's gone. Of course it will come back, but not being able to dribble around my room and embarrass people is going to be really annoying.
However, I totally gave in to human nature this morning and didn't go run like I normally do every other day or so. Kind of ironic, since today is the last day I'll be able to walk for a while. Recovery will be even harder I think, 'cause whenever I'm injured I ALWAYS want to play before I'm ready. I once snapped my ankle in half but continued playing and schooling people, awesome feeling. I miss it just talking about it, being that midfielder that controlled the game, whether it was with both feet or just one.
Oh, I've totally forgot to include the reason why I'm doing this surgery so early. Normally it was planned to go down around new year's, but if I had done that I wouldn't be able to play with my brother's team (or at least be in shape.). I've never played soccer with my brother, and have always wanted to. He's always had this curse that he could never find as good a coach as I had (dad rules), but finally he's found one, and I want to play (and play well, meaning in shape) for them this spring. So it's not just a medical procedure really, it's for a personal goal and a family cause. More to come later, I'll probably take my laptop home tonight after my math exam so I can freak out on this blog tomorrow morning before checkin.
By the way, check in is at 10:00am, surgery at 12:00pm I believe. Later.
Today I caught myself doing scissors walking back from breakfast. (scissors explanation: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4oQiiFfYac just watch the opening dribble tricks. those are scissors.) I guess it's a nostalgia thing, like I know I'll miss it once it's gone. Of course it will come back, but not being able to dribble around my room and embarrass people is going to be really annoying.
However, I totally gave in to human nature this morning and didn't go run like I normally do every other day or so. Kind of ironic, since today is the last day I'll be able to walk for a while. Recovery will be even harder I think, 'cause whenever I'm injured I ALWAYS want to play before I'm ready. I once snapped my ankle in half but continued playing and schooling people, awesome feeling. I miss it just talking about it, being that midfielder that controlled the game, whether it was with both feet or just one.
Oh, I've totally forgot to include the reason why I'm doing this surgery so early. Normally it was planned to go down around new year's, but if I had done that I wouldn't be able to play with my brother's team (or at least be in shape.). I've never played soccer with my brother, and have always wanted to. He's always had this curse that he could never find as good a coach as I had (dad rules), but finally he's found one, and I want to play (and play well, meaning in shape) for them this spring. So it's not just a medical procedure really, it's for a personal goal and a family cause. More to come later, I'll probably take my laptop home tonight after my math exam so I can freak out on this blog tomorrow morning before checkin.
By the way, check in is at 10:00am, surgery at 12:00pm I believe. Later.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
DAY[-2]: Foot Surgery.
So I just realized how messed up my feet really are. My left isn't as bad as my right, but my right foot has the toes bent out by about a good 35 to 40 degrees. It may be just a number for everybody that doesn't have my feet, but when you make your toes point straight and realize that your heel is pointing to about the 4:30 position, it starts to affect the way you think.
(yes, of course there's the whole ego booster ["How did I make all those killer passes with these messed up feet??"] but more than that [well, about the same] is the feeling that I need this surgery. )
Also, I won't be able to sprint back from the dining hall in case of pouring rain while carrying popcorn like I just did. Just saying.
(yes, of course there's the whole ego booster ["How did I make all those killer passes with these messed up feet??"] but more than that [well, about the same] is the feeling that I need this surgery. )
Also, I won't be able to sprint back from the dining hall in case of pouring rain while carrying popcorn like I just did. Just saying.
i really believe
that every seriously dirty, ugly, messed up person with every single flaw known to man has something that i can learn from. maybe it will be negative learning (as in don't do that, that'd be worse than how i am now) but so far every single person i've come across has something that can be picked up. pretty sweet, to think there are valuables everywhere, EVEN in stupid people. makes life a little less hard.
"hey, uh, i think we're going to be making a run to walmart soon." lmao kyle's reaction at my joke made my monday.
I NEED A HAIR CUT! i may go to the plano mall and see what they can do. maybe they can make me look like a true asian :D lol. until then, i'll be laddering :P
another thing!! the truth, i believe, is never told. only either our perception of it (which CAN be quite accurate,) but mainly our real thoughts are suppressed. (i just did it, i was going to write something on here but refrained. i don't remember what it was now, so don't ask lol. but it made an interesting contribution! :)) )
"hey, uh, i think we're going to be making a run to walmart soon." lmao kyle's reaction at my joke made my monday.
I NEED A HAIR CUT! i may go to the plano mall and see what they can do. maybe they can make me look like a true asian :D lol. until then, i'll be laddering :P
another thing!! the truth, i believe, is never told. only either our perception of it (which CAN be quite accurate,) but mainly our real thoughts are suppressed. (i just did it, i was going to write something on here but refrained. i don't remember what it was now, so don't ask lol. but it made an interesting contribution! :)) )
Monday, November 1, 2010
DAY[-3]: Foot Surgery.
It really didn't cross my mind today. Nothing serious out of the ordinary really affected my mental state today, and I really think it will be one of those things that you don't miss until it's gone, like shampoo or FOOD. The only time this momentous future occasion came into my thoughts today was when everybody reminded me that I needed to blog about it today.
The reason I think this is occurring is that I can't yet visualize the saw cutting into my feet or anything yet, there really isn't a reason to fear just yet. Once it gets closer (just like a project or paper left to the last minute), the good old fear will be there.
Until then, video games and the regular daily drudgery (homework and the like.). Maybe I'll dream about it, who knows.
The reason I think this is occurring is that I can't yet visualize the saw cutting into my feet or anything yet, there really isn't a reason to fear just yet. Once it gets closer (just like a project or paper left to the last minute), the good old fear will be there.
Until then, video games and the regular daily drudgery (homework and the like.). Maybe I'll dream about it, who knows.
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