have i ever done this?

waited and waited for a text like this? i think maybe once or twice, but it's been so long since then. 2 minutes in person and i'm trapped. i don't get it. it really does make absolutely zero sense. hope everything goes according to this pseudoplan and i can grab a win :)

are there any words?

are there any words for such a story? this person will never know what goes on here. but seriously. is there anything to be said for the infinitely small focus on which this person dwells? short story retold even shorter: person receives two pieces of cake instead of one. why is this one happy? because of the receipt of two pieces of cake. did he share them with anyone? did he change someone else's day? did he affect the world in any way beyond making himself less healthy and getting happyness out of someone else's unhappyness? "today was a good day." a better quote: "seduce my mind and you can have my body; find my soul and i'm yours forever."

i can hear myself singing

as if i were another (third) person, watching the whole thing from the side or above or whatever. the scary stuff is that i don't even feel or see the emotions that i'm watching myself express. i know they are there, but they don't feel right or real. i cannot WAIT till the day i can just be myself again. maybe i'll have to wait till the sky stops falling. and guess who's fault that is? probably mine. i suck at starcraft. i don't know what my problem is. my decision making sucks ass or something. not really sure. shouldn't have let the drop unfold today in CSL. should have drew the army, and had MY real army in position to kill all his probes and 3rd nexus. quit losing to colossus. no korean does, neither should i. just make some vikings, don't throw away stupid supply. school tomorrow is going to be full of boring stuff, as usual. guess i better get into the american zombie mindset. go to work/school, do your homework, eat something unhealthy, go to bed, do not have fun. do not pass go. do not collect $20. yes, $20. until the next time i really realize that my life sucks, it's been real.

bose forgot something

clinton's voice clearly has not been tested against the sound insulation of their products. nothing is louder than this kid. i don't know how i'm going to sleep, play starcraft, listen to music, or just simply disappear for a while. holy hell.

it seems i only come here when things go wrong

now is no different. i'm lost without you. that's it. the truth is that you're actually no different than anyone else, and actually just the final warning i needed to know that there are actually no good people in the world. thanks for that. enjoy being the person i made you, and hope i never leave the back of your memory. bye.

choices

miserable for a whole year and happy for one moment or happy for the year and miserable in one moment? the latter, unfortunately, is how champions are made. they live for that one moment. the ironic thing is, the ones that are made fun of in society are usually secret champions. they study(practice) their asses off, only for that one moment that says "yes, you have done it, you have succeeded on a level far greater than anyone else." but on a day to day basis, they are not happy. they drudge away at things that are repetitive and boring, not giving any time for themselves, dedicating themselves solely to the task at hand. a champion's mindset. but is it worth it? people will tell you "do what you want." i'm trying to do that. i hate slaving away at something that i know won't help later. and yet, it's going to hurt me in a big way. is that why people tell you to look at the stars and dream big, so they can take all the money that people like dreamers drop on the ground while staring skyward? i'm not sure where to go, what to do, and for me, even though the tests aren't done, finals pressure isn't off. i feel like a failure just letting get this close and not being able to pull it out of this danger zone. i feel terrible and my parents hate me for it. (they don't HATE me, but i can feel the disapproval like no other. the worst feeling in the world.) i don't know what i will do if the negative outcome surfaces. i don't want to make a plan for it. but i might have to. i just can't stand the thought of it, and it might become reality. i am scared, and that's an understatement. i might live a horrid life just because of these... "people." my mindset is also so imperfect. even though i know the concepts they are teaching me are worthless, i refuse to do really understand them because of that, not even realizing (to some degree obviously) that they will affect me in a big way, at least the numbers they assign to me. i think that beyond the fire, my life has been a failure so far.

i just hope it's enough.

it's one thing to act tough and say that i'm going to shrug it off if i end up keeping the scholarship. it's completely another to not know the test grade and wonder if i'm across the line or just short of it. i hate having to wonder like this, but it's just that my life completely changes from this point on if i don't make it. crossed fingers.