frustrated

still can't believe i used a twitter POUND SIGN in my last post. looking back it's definitely a facepalm moment. however, i'm wondering if there's really any point to writing all of my feelings out like this. currently i'm FRUSTRATED at a certain person because of how unclear she's being, mainly because i don't know what direction she has in mind, or if she has any at all. -become busy on my day off but don't tell me what you were doing until you--> -pick up earrings from the first day and don't say if you really want to hang out again or not -not text back half of the time -play "hard to get" (<--- that is bullshit) going to work out and hope all of this sorts itself out; usually does, one way or another. LGIMMvp so gosu :D

another sickening day

of people telling me that they like what i'm doing, and that i should keep it up. i want to do nothing of the sort, and start doing what I want to do. i absolutely hate wasting my time for 13 cents a minute and dragging my youth on in circles, wasting it doing what is THOUGHT to be right. i have absolute respect for LastShadow, who is YOUNGER than i am and has made it full time in a pro house in korea. i think i would definitely miss people here, but..... i'd be able to do what i want. that's so important. i want to live, i don't want to be "accepted" or thought of as "correct." if that happens, cool, but that isn't my goal. i want to be happy and i can't do that wasting time. YOLO is actually appropriate here. wow. going to definitely ask for the number of the next girl that strikes me as interesting/beautiful/funny. k, going to bed to obediently and willing waste 8 hours of my life tomorrow. #LivingTheAmericanDream

i have nothing left

no friends to confide in, nothing secretive to keep from the world, no stick to measure my (insignificant?) progress. i am alone in a world which is unfamiliar and foreign and scary. i don't know where to go or what to do, and the life support is in short supply. it's so frightening to see everything change around me, and have nothing to go on, no guide to follow. this is the territory where Josh Waitzkin thrives. i wonder if i can do it too. maybe this will be my final test, to see if i can change with the times. beyond that, nothing will matter, because i can adapt to it. kind of a... final exam. too bad it's lifelong. no rest σ_σ

i don't think i should focus on anything but starcraft

and of course getting a job for the summer. other than that, when i get my new computer i should reach the top of the ladder through unrelenting search for knowledge :D never again will i ever assume (yeah, right) that anyone is any different or better. pretty much, everybody is all the same in their own "unique" way. there is no such thing as perfect, just the one that you settle for. it's disgusting, but it's also the truth about people. better get used to it, just like everything else in this shitty life.

trying to find myself again

this is scary. i'm trying to find something that i've never found or even seen but i'm still looking! i don't really have a goal but i'm ok, because i have people. is it wrong that i'm doing something about PEOPLE and looking for a new way to exist around the people that could reinvent me? break is going to be hell. i can only half imagine her face and i REALLY want to know what else is in her head. i hate more than anything, anything in the world, to not be able to remember a face, especially one i don't want to forget. time to strain my mental capacity in trying to remember -_-

have i ever done this?

waited and waited for a text like this? i think maybe once or twice, but it's been so long since then. 2 minutes in person and i'm trapped. i don't get it. it really does make absolutely zero sense. hope everything goes according to this pseudoplan and i can grab a win :)

are there any words?

are there any words for such a story? this person will never know what goes on here. but seriously. is there anything to be said for the infinitely small focus on which this person dwells? short story retold even shorter: person receives two pieces of cake instead of one. why is this one happy? because of the receipt of two pieces of cake. did he share them with anyone? did he change someone else's day? did he affect the world in any way beyond making himself less healthy and getting happyness out of someone else's unhappyness? "today was a good day." a better quote: "seduce my mind and you can have my body; find my soul and i'm yours forever."