why is it so hard

to get motivated lately? i haven't been wanting to do anything but play video games. i need to kill the bulk i built up over my surgery period, and yet now that season's started i just don't have the energy or more importantly, the willpower that creates the energy?

suddenly, i'm just looking back hopelessly at balls that have gone past me instead of hunting them down with a former ferocity. i used to be the man who always went after the ball, but now i'm just another complaint on my dad's list of things my team could have done better.

less jitters also needed on the field. focus, and just dribble the guy. create something dangerous on your own. destroy them without them knowing. single pass or touch to cut through the mire and save the day. save the game from boredom and attrition.

going to need motivation to better myself in the summer, that's for sure. maybe going back out for the team is a good thing, idk yet. i need something for the fall and spring after this year.

forza united.

a realization

so here i am, dying in everyone's phone books on their cell phones, a stupid b-lister to be forgotten. everybody else has their mainstream stuff to be done, while i just don't feel like joining the idiots.

this is the beginning of the ending season to my life. after this season there may not be much more for me to live for, because the number and level of cohesion of the good people left here in my part of the world are dwindling beyond reason.

yes, people grow up and do bigger and better things than soccer at a rec level, but i am not a riser and do not give a flying rat's ass about what is gained or lost on a material level. it's about proving who you are through what you do, and some people just do not get it. i feel people are so misdirected these days, letting egos and their own self-importance take number one priority over everything else, even when they're having fun with other people.

on the other hand and yet closely related, are the people who just don't care for that shit and put everyone else first: kyle. today while we were playing soccer, some kid didn't bring water (he was cocky and self-important) and i felt pretty vengeful. didn't feel like giving him part of my only gatorade. kyle did. idk why. such a nice guy, even puts up with basel's shit. not sure why. maybe revenge and righteous runs in my veins, but forgiveness and a bigger picture run in his. no idea. wish i knew, but there need to be more people like us.

seriously, no kidding around, there are already wars and stupid fights and wastes of good resources because people just HAVE to be the best. that's fine in a harmless environment like a game. but over gas and just seeming cool and having people accept you? you're trash, but unfortunately, you make up the majority, so that means you're allowed to continue ruling.

i don't think this will stop, but if it ever does, humanity will have to realize it and just give it all up on it's own. joyful thoughts of oblivion.

rain

I lay in my bed
afraid to look where you would be
my hand reaches out to accept yours
and i hear the rain outside.

I turn
and acknowledge your space on the bed
at the same time looking to the window
for the rain.

Suddenly it stops.

I respectfully step over you
and go check it out.

The sprinklers have halted their charade.

I climb back into bed and lay carelessly across it.

so i come to realize:

my parents are part of the masses. today, after a stupid guilt trip nearly causing me to leave the house and go back to my apartment, i come downstairs to see my parents watching reality TV.i can't believe it. i really thought i came from a better set of intellectuals than this. they probably bandwagon voted for obama too.

i initially thought they did it on some upper class logic that i wouldn't understand, but now that "logic" is under suspicion after i see my mom start to get teary over some guy donating money to "worthy" souls. seriously, the show was called "secret millionaire" and it was a guy who met people and donated 40K or something depending on if these good people were worth it or not.... it was almost as if he decided to play god or something.

the second show was "undercover boss," where a boss would go and inspect his or her workers, and decide whether they were worthy or not for promotions and stuff. the show really displayed discrepancies about the approaches people took to get to their means.



________________


yeah, i'm less pissed now. i want to play some starcraft :D i've been watching streams for a couple hours (i think?) and no terran games between ROOT and EG :/ so i'll have to play some of my own. chao

ONE DAY.

one day i'll find that girl. i don't pretend to know what she looks like but it's there; the concept of who she is. maybe i already know her, maybe she doesn't exist except for in bits of different people. maybe i'm chasing a ghost but i guess... the bottom line is i'm still chasing. glgl to me.

also: today has been a great day! played with pajela, trashed the same noob toss twice in a row on the ladder, and got a lot of stuff done like extra papers and extra credit stuff. got some good midterm grades, need to check for math and hope it's not horrible.

need to download more music and give kyle his birthday present.. i think it's still in the car??? idk, i'll check in a second. hailey's gone until may ish? maybe she can see us wreck in the playoffs. i wish she could see the game with me against ben but probably not.... hope kyle comes to watch :D i need to run today, maybe i'll do it later.

(yep, i have transitioned back into using this as a thought board.)

can't wait for walmart tonight!! hope kyle can go... clinton cannot wait any longer for food haha xD and also i hate not having snacks around here :P lol

alright, ttyl.... blog, and whoever reads this shit. probably no one :P

glad to be embarrassed

today my body temperature soared to sweating temperatures in my hoodie as i asked a stupid question in math class. i'm glad that i still have the ability to be embarrassed as i do something badly in the educational world. i need to keep pushing. dead aim. :)

this challenge

is freaking tough.

i have to keep a scholarship. the problem with that is the discrepancy in class difficulty, and the disproportionate amount of seemingly random free time i have at my disposal. getting good grades isn't easy when you don't exactly have a super set schedule. also; the english teacher is super stupid, just like the last one. we need the next byroad or bentley teaching in college, we don't need some dumb homeless fat lady they picked up off of the street.

i need to meet with brian vaughn soon (academic advisor) to check in. i hope he has some good news for me.

this is the only source of my stress, and is quite unfair to be honest. i'm doing everything right (to the best of my ability) and it still isn't enough.