new chapter.

so i'm in. i'm just as bad as all the other rich kids, just as guilty. or, on the other hand, maybe i'm just being fashionable? is there really such a distinction? do the higher level material items automatically put you in the asshole category? hmm.

hope not. but i love this style, so yeah. i'm currently in san antonio (here goes the filler) because troy wanted to attend a regional event for yugioh. i guess it was good to get away but i think i would have preferred to hang with new friends than get new jeans. i guess its better this way cause otherwise it would be harder to accomplish both without mother's funds... :P
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also, it feels pretty good without oppressive, antagonistic assholes in your life. all i have to deal with now are things like my car breaking, or too much homework, things easily dealt with proper discipline. very nice :P more to come later, time to sleep.

Taoism? research it later, chao.

today, for whatever reason,

i've woken with a sense of optimism. this was, embarrassing so, in part due to my nice puma jacket which i have been saving for this cooler bit of weather.

this sense of optimism did not kick in until i realized my outfit for the day was quite sensible, and in addition to that, good looking.

hopefully this pays off in some slight, but measurable way.

i need to work out, seriously.

it's been awhile.

pretty depressed here.... not nervous that nobody really knows me here at utd, but depressed cause so far it looks like its going to stay like this: just like high school. less gay, more life changing (more money at the end), more friendly souls around me but still lots of aloneness.

this generally has never bothered me before now, because it hadn't mattered until i thought about "down the road," and "in the future."

i realized that after i have a decent job, and a place of my own, and all the possessions i really cared to have, what's the fun of all that without somebody to share it with?

i don't even necessarily mean "oh i need a girlfriend to justify all of this crap i'm going through in school", but more like i don't even know if a person (or persons, lots of friends, girls, whatever) will make any difference to me then.

basically i wanna know what i'm fighting for, but i don't think anybody will give me this answer. maybe i will find a person to BE that answer, but i don't know for sure... maybe that's what's so scary about everything now.


what i LOVE about this blog: i can see my thoughts in retrospect. i think at a pace where the next thought is simply coming too fast. this seems really cool, until you realize you can't remember what you thought 40 seconds before you had your "revelation" thought. then you don't remember why you had it, and you have to dismiss the entire session of introspection and call yourself emptyheaded.

other than that this blog is really just a grievance list.




EDIT:

also, i just "followed" my own blog. while this looks supremely conceited, i assure you it is not. i simply do not know how to take myself off of that list, and suspect the programming on this site is flawed.

a short yet bittersweet entry

so i've come to the realization (actually, i've been at this point for years, but haven't ever had a BLOG to put it in writing) that people only act as they are SHAPED. you can be anybody you wanna be, so long as you were exposed to the right stimuli as a kid. there's no such thing as too radical a change. take an asian kid and put him in a white home, and he'll become a white man.

shit happens.

currently listening to the inception soundtrack! it's classical: definitely not my usual stuff, but it's really relaxing. try it! if you've seen the movie it's worth downloading. :P

dude.

my body is quite weird. apparently i have an irregular heartbeat, but resting rate is 52/minute. thats nuts. i used to have a heartbeat of 72/minute. also, i may have surgery on my feet for "bunyans", or extra large "ball of foot." you know, the "ball of your foot?" mine are huge.

and they MAKE MY SHOES DIE.

i hate that the most. most kids can use their $200 pair of soccer shoes for 2 years or more (provided they don't grow) but mine last for a year max. so maybe that surgery is a good thing. also; maybe i'll get open heart surgery?? :D lol its gonna be shit on your wallet time but i think it'd be a worthwhile experience eventually.

also: college has not set in yet. idk why but it simply hasn't. however, i'm not looking forward to writing term papers. i've always had this logic about writing as a grade; why not talk about what you're writing about? your thoughts will come out more cleanly, and you'd get over your fear of public speaking. idk. food for thought.