Charles Bukowski

is a genius. quotes from him:

"I've never been lonely. I've been in a room -- I've felt suicidal. I've been depressed. I've felt awful -- awful beyond all -- but I never felt that one other person could enter that room and cure what was bothering me...or that any number of people could enter that room. In other words, loneliness is something I've never been bothered with because I've always had this terrible itch for solitude. It's being at a party, or at a stadium full of people cheering for something, that I might feel loneliness. I'll quote Ibsen, "The strongest men are the most alone." I've never thought, "Well, some beautiful blonde will come in here and give me a fuck-job, rub my balls, and I'll feel good." No, that won't help. You know the typical crowd, "Wow, it's Friday night, what are you going to do? Just sit there?" Well, yeah. Because there's nothing out there. It's stupidity. Stupid people mingling with stupid people. Let them stupidify themselves. I've never been bothered with the need to rush out into the night. I hid in bars, because I didn't want to hide in factories. That's all. Sorry for all the millions, but I've never been lonely. I like myself. I'm the best form of entertainment I have. Let's drink more wine!"

"The shortest distance between two points is often unbearable."

"This is very important -- to take leisure time. Pace is the essence. Without stopping entirely and doing nothing at all for great periods, you're gonna lose everything...just to do nothing at all, very, very important. And how many people do this in modern society? Very few. That's why they're all totally mad, frustrated, angry and hateful."

"Great art is horseshit, buy tacos."


"I couldn't get myself to read the want ads. The thought of sitting in front of a man behind a desk and telling him that I wanted a job, that I was qualified for a job, was too much for me. Frankly, I was horrified by life, at what a man had to do simply in order to eat, sleep, and keep himself clothed. So I stayed in bed and drank. When you drank the world was still out there, but for the moment it didn't have you by the throat."

more to come

i feel

very unnecessarily complicated. when it comes time to pick classes, it's like the feeling of growing up really consumes me... i hate that feeling. can't we all just be kids forever and get by on minimum whatever, doing what we love?

no. of course not.

i don't know why, but i hate the thought of growing old and having to deal with the immense level of bullshit and life or death situations that inevitably await me.

i also hate the feeling that i'm falling into the stupid category... i'm settling for weaker classes. why? but then again, what do i gain from choosing bigger, tougher classes? will the employers even know the difference (unless they SPECIFICALLY went to UTD and took the OTHER class)? i don't think so, and that's what's making me choose the current path. it feels like shit to step down into the filth of the world... but what's the motivation for going to the next level?

CODBO is

fun :D i suck though. no problem. i have RTS skills. today was a good day, except for the terrible BM we exhibited after thrashing the rangers.

anyway, i need to RUN. i am getting fat, no lie. running begins tomorrow, but skips days i have soccer games. distance and shooting/touches/short sprints/ladders. xc and soccer :D time to get in shape for summer... not that i have any reason to do so. and yet going to do so. because it would make me proud to get some of my elusive drive back.

tomorrow will be shitty coffee at the dining hall after/before running. i am putting it in writing now that i will run in the AM tomorrow. not mainly in the AM, but at least tomorrow. :) after sleeping well, of course.

one week till hailey's back :D and then i can try to find a job. or maybe tomorrow i can do that while waiting for kyle to get back in and starcraft to start up in the afternoon/night time.

about 2 weeks left of school, then exams either included in those two weeks or just another week after. the end is in sight.. dead aim.

:)

here begins

another awful weekend at home. parents are going to be fighting, troy is going to want to stay at utd with me (while not awful, i do enjoy my alone time on the weekends) and again i will have to wonder if my dad's going to ditch the whole family after calling me selfish for the last time.... oh the irony.

anyway!! i have pretty much figured out that greek life (at least at UTD) is trash, every single last one of them. we got suckered out of 20$ last night to go to a lame roller rink where the girl who invited us didn't even hang out with us = = so no more of that i think.

lunch soon, car alignment soon, RAPING SOME NOOBS SOON. GET SOME. (marine quote :D)

also, sorry to those marines who i rammed into a planetary fortress last night. i sincerely apologize for throwing that 60 food lead away.