Change the way I'm thinking

I need to do things for the right reasons! That's all for now.

Things have changed around

It's winter break of my senior year in college, two days in. You'd think, after putting up with tons of crap from everyone else and doing a bunch of schoolwork that I'd be ready to play video games and get drunk and be a kid again. Yet here I sit, almost procrastinating my gaming. Is that possible? Procrastinating your procrastination? I feel unmotivated for some reason. I don't understand. I just got done lifting properly for the first time in months, and I don't feel like doing anything. I don't understand. Am I growing up? I'm about to be happy just to go to grad school. I still have to apply and get in, but it's not so bad that I don't see it happening. Have I changed mentally, as I originally planned, to just be invincible mentally? I feel like I have these bouts of depression, where nothing makes me happy, but I learned in Thailand that this feeling can be replicated just by being so tired that I can't function and get extremely irritable. I can't tell which is happening. I still have to record the final blog before 2/12/14. I don't know what days are good for doing such a thing, hopefully I'll feel rather inspired soon.

Things are coming to a head

and right now, among: -trying to get a job/internship -trying to grow a soccer lesson client base -trying to maintain good grades in all of my classes -trying to find my way back to thailand -trying to stay relatively unstressed while dealing with people when i'd rather be alone I come here, to get away from it all, and just write down my thoughts, and absorb the "quiet" for a while. I'm really tired of all the hustle and bustle lately, but I only suspect it's going to get much worse as time goes on. GOTTA WRITE A PAPER. GOTTA PRESENT ON THURSDAY. GOTTA MAINTAIN COOL ON SATURDAY, WHETHER MY YOUTH TEAM WINS OR LOSES. GOTTA DO AN ACCOUNTING QUIZ. GOTTA REVIEW FOR A PROFESSOR WHO DOESN'T PUT IN HALF THE WORK I DO. GOTTA DO HOMEWORK FOR PERSONAL FINANCIAL PLANNING. gotta stay cool.

Random Thoughts

The goal is hard to see in the current moment. Hatred is a great way to push yourself to become stronger. It's still, and always will be, about how hard you're fighting -right now- for what you want. Use, and also be wary of the word, "content." :D

What Success Should Lead To

Success is a funny thing. It means you've achieved your goals, it means you've overcome whatever was holding you back, it means you've beaten whatever you challenged yourself with. The bad part is it makes you relax, get fuzzy, and not really think about how things could be better. It induces a feeling of comfort. It makes you feel like there's nothing left, and right here and right now is the best thing that's ever been, like you should never worry about anything ever again. It's worse than being drunk, it's worse than being exhausted. Takes all the drive right out of you. You've finished your task, and now you should rest, or even celebrate. Honestly, there's nothing wrong with resting, or celebrating. However, I'm of the opinion that the mentality of the hard work that got you in the first place is what gets lost when you celebrate. That's the worst part of success. Perhaps this is the biggest challenge of all: being continuously successful. Shrug off the mental fog of success, and forge ahead just as hard as you had done before, when you were still just on the verge of success. What should success lead to? More success.

Feeling Inspired

Just last I'd been feeling quite... down? I'd been playing some really uninspired starcraft, and couldn't seem to be excited or "authentic" with my gameplay.

But then I read TheOgnis' s blog, and was.... confirmed? in believing that nothing is coming to help us. (Basically his blog says that he kept expecting that "something" to come along and help him, maybe unexpected money, or somebody famous, but that in reality you shouldn't expect anything of that nature. You should FORCE the world to recognize you.) Then I read day9's posts on TL, and was inspired again :) this seems simple/stupid, but the man is brilliant and I'm not going to say anything else on it. Going to go play SC :) bye bye bye

I've got to make sure

to never have to come back to anything like this. Places, areas, people, things I don't want to be around have no place in my life and I'm going to try to get rid of all of them. I hate to have to use any bit of time to do something that does not directly interest me. It doesn't make sense to throw the one resource away that one owns. There has to be a better way, and I'm going to find it.